I miss it..

The feeling of happiness. I just want to feel fulfilled.. I'm tired, so very tired of feeling empty.. like this is all just bullshit.. I like my new roomy though! she is awesome! I have been thinking alot about david though.. I mean, it kinda hard to stop thinking about someone that you fancied yourself in love with.. I haven't had 1 day so far where I don't think about him for less than an hour. He is just not that in to me, and I get it.. truth be told, I don't really think that I'm that in to him either.. I'm just getting old and the lonliness is starting to wear me down.. I mean, he was comfortable, and I had known him longer than any other guy that I was seeing.. So no, I don't think I was/ am in love with him. I think I was just scared of moving to Tucson by myself, and needed/ wanted a crutch.. someone to talk to on a regular basis. someone to tell me that I was making a smart choice, someone to have phone sex with while out here.. however, I don't know why I thought that he would be able to foot that bill.. David is most likely a horrible loser who NEVER deserved any of my time, or effort, or attention.. But he got lucky.. Everyone needs to get lucky at least once in thier lives.. I will get over him.. I mmean it only hurts when I try to sleep, or try to masturbate, or eat pizza.. sooo.. I think I should be able to get over him pretty simply.. I even was able to get myself off this morning.. do you know how long its been since I masturbated and was able to get off? A very LONG time!! I kept thinking about David, and Pen and Brian and all those guys that could so-called "get me off" and I realized, NOPE! I mean I miss David kinda the way I missed Casey.. I missed my friend.. we could talk about anything, now, he is just angry and bitter. I mean, more so than usual. I think David has wonderful potential, But he is not the type that wants to actually do something with it. I SAW his trailer for BB3.. It was fucking horrible!!! I haven't been that bored since I watched the news!.. LAME!!!! I mean, I want to tell him that its a horrible trailer, but he would take it the wrong way, meaning that I am no sk8 conosure and have no clue what I'm talking about.. but it was really bad!! I KNOW he can do better! I've SEEN him do better. So, I say nothing.. Its hard enough just getting him to text me back! He says he is sick, but I disagree.. I think he knows that his video is going to BOMB, and instead of doing something about it( like asking for help) he is just going to let it.. I don't know whats worse, him allowing it to happen, or the fact that its going to happen... I don't even think he realizes that I have the power to pull crowds to this showing.. I have the power of CLEAR CHANNEL!! My roomy is all over the radio!! all over it! But nope.. he doesn't want help from some chick he USED to bang. Depression is shitty.. Really shitty.. I realized that Unless all the lights are off and I'm under the covers with my eyes squeezed shut, I can't get off anymore.. I feel old and ugly.. Middle Aged.. Pushing thirty, feeling 16, but looking closer to 40 is not a super swell place to be at.. Maybe thats why David doesn't like me.. I'm no longer attractive.. I mean in his defense, I have let myself go.. notice, the only picts on here are head shots! But really, really really.. Does he need to treat me like I have the Blaque Plague? I guess so.. Anywayz, I should be out in tempe this weekend.. So maybe I will see him around..Maybe..