Today was a good day..

so I had a pretty awesome day today.. I did my business, and then went to rescue Brandy whos car was oon the fritz again.. We started drinking at like 1pm or so. And then I continued to drink until about 8pm.. I had terrific pot roast, and talked to my sexy mans David and even hung out with the sex bomb Brad.. It was a pretty groovy day and I'm glad that i had so much fun. i miss David all kinds, and I can't wait to hang with him manyanna. So.. Now I am going to shower and then to bed, cause I want to be on my best behavior 2 morrow. But, we shall see how it turns out.. I just want to spend time with mr. smith. Thats all.. But I guess on Thursday I will be seeing Pen for some carnage.. which will be awesome. i think i kinda pissed him off today cause for some reason he thinks I care about his going ons.. and i really don't. But he will get over it. I think it will just make him the better carnage maker on Thursday. Holla!!

women word decoder.. Pretty funny..

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
40-ish................................49.
Adventurous.......................Slept with everyone.
Athletic...............................No breasts.
Average looking....................Moooo.
Beautiful..............................Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure................On medication.
Feminist................................Fat.
Free spirit............................Junkie.
Friendship first......................Former slut.
New-Age............................Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-fashioned.......................No BJs.
Open-minded.......................Desperate.
Outgoing.............................Loud and Embarrassing.
Professional..........................Bitch.
Voluptuous..........................Very Fat.
Large frame...........................Hugely Fat.
Wants Soul mate..................Stalker.


DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit. = I'm gay.

How could You!!!???!!!

Tell me the things I want to hear, and then go behind my back and do the complete opposite!

Thank-you Anonymous..

You are right. I do need to leave the shit behind. I'm not gonna curse and scream and tell you that I'm in control, Cause I KNOW I'm not. I know i have to get my shit together. I can't hope for anything to just happen to me cause I think I'm cute(sometimes). I realize this, and so i try to make a conscience effort to do better. But everytime I do try, its seems as if I just get slapped in the face with MORE shit. I've already come to the conclusion that I will NEVER be completely happy in life. But I'm not looking for complete happiness.. I'm just looking to be ok. Maybe its because deep down inside, I DO want the elusive American dream of the career, the guy and the ability to pretty much have the freedom of not having to struggle for everything. I had a wonderful night with David last night/this morning.. Yeah I threw away my new years resolution of being celibate(yet again).. But we had a talk about what it is that actually is between us. I figure that its so hard to let go because he is comfortable. I don't feel fat and gross when I'm naked with him. I don't have to play act when we have sex cause he will call me on it, I don't have to be anybody but my very weird self. and I like that. I think that its just pure fucking laziness that keeps me wrapped up in him. As he said last night, 'relationships are just too much work' and I don't fault him in his belief. I love David, as a friend, and as a guy. I don't expect for it to 'work out' between us, cause we are both to lazy to do anything about what is between us. Its all a technicality the whole 'boyfriend girlfriend' thing. We are friends, that just so happen to be to lazy to look for sex and companionship in other people. I mean, I think that I look for what I need that I can't find in him in others, take that and get what I can get from him. Its like the whole Pendergrass thing. I like to do weird things, like fight and wrestle and draw blood and piss and shit on people. David is not down with that stuff. (I mean it is super cute when he tries to be though.)So I found someone else that can give me the carnage that I crave, with out having to sacrifice what I have with David. David is my cuddlebug.. I enjoy snuggling with him, and watching skate videos and dancing and shit like that.. But when it comes to leaving bruises or taking it in the ass like a man should, I know to look elsewhere. I just realize that I need to have more than one outlet. Cause I'm NOT going to be able to find a one stop shop of a guy, that can give me everything I need. The trick, is to be able to find 2 people who are totally ok with sharing me in that fashion. But most guys get jealous when they figure they have to 'share' their girl with another guy, cause they can't stomach the ideas that she has in her head. David loves me in his own way. Pen loves the pain that I can bring, which is basically says he loves me in his own way too.. and I love them both in my own way. I just love David more.. Why? cause he is my comfy pants.. and goddess knows how much we love comfy pants! But thank-you for your words of encouragement. It IS nice to know that somebody does care.. Hell, its just nice to know that somebody reads my blogs!

The horror-scope

Dear Danielle,
Here is your couple's love horoscope
for Saturday, January 26:

There's a time when you have to work at your relationship, and there's a time when you two need to go out and have some fun. Today's a mixed bag -- start out with the work, and then move on to the merriment.

Its crazy cause this was sent to my mailbox at about 211am this morning. At about 222am David texted me to say " Fuckit! I love u!"Which I could tell by the time that he did it, he was pretty much SHITFACED DRUNK! cause it was after 2am when the bars closed that he wrote this. I replied with "Are you just trying 2 keep me from getting another canadian at the picnic?"
Then he wrote," Iam wasted idnot whats going on!" So I wrote back," Yup thats what i thought." then he wrote, "Correct! I suck. I love u" to which I wrote, "Ur drunk. U love everything rite now. Please tell me ur not driving."
That was the end of the exchange. So he is either in jail, dead, or passed out. I'm gonna go for the passed out. I don't want some random drunkin confession of love from him. I didn't do him like that.. I at least made sure I was sober when I told him that I was in love with him. Having someone HAVE to get drunk so that they can tell you they love you, is just like a slap in the face!As if I didn't have it hard enough already trying to get over the fact that told him that I loved him, and he told me he didn't feel the same way.. now I have to suffer more degradation by having him randomly text me while he is drunk to tell me that he loves me!?! Its almost to much to bare.. I shouldn't have to deal with shit like that in my fragile state! Ok.. maybe I'm not that surprised that he texted me completely drunk.. It happens.. at least he thought about me. I wonder If it was cause it rained.. Cause he can't skate in the rain.. his knees get all super stiff.. ( its cause he is OLD!) But whatever. I'm gonna try finishing up my hair today.. We shall see if he calls or texts me.

WOW!!

Look at me.. I'm all shook up an shit. I mean for some stupid reason, I figured that since it was raining today, that he would call me or contact me.. Nuthing.. I keep forgetting that the reason we no longer talk, is because I'm in love with him, and he... doesn't feel the same. DUH Danielle! Obviously hes NOT going to call me, or text me or e-mail me.. He doesn't fucking CARE about me.. I have to keep telling myself that like every 5 minutes. Over and Over and Over again.And Over again, and over again and over again and over again. Well now, I'm gonna go watch a movie. to try to forget about the guy who doesn't love me back. LAme!

My Horror-scope

Dear Danielle,
Here is your couple's love horoscope
for Thursday, January 24:

Part of being in a relationship is knowing when to let go (and what to let go of). A little judicious editing or a case of selective memory might help both of you in the long run. Forgiveness eases everything.

OMG!! Soooooo Awesome!

So I was checking my e-mail just now( cause I've been remiss in doing so) and i have a job offer to work at marana hospital in TUCSON!! I'm sooo excited about this, I think I may mess my pants! This is an awesome opportuinty.. and it means that i will more than likely have to move with my mom and commute for a month or 2 until i can find a place to live in Tucson.. but thats the SHIT!! I think that moving there will help me get over David.. Think about it, I will be away, but still close. I'm all for this shit! ALL for it!

My gwarsh?

I wanna talk 2 him soo bad! About nothing and everything. I just wish I knew if he was even thinking of me now. Im pretty sure hes not, he only thinks of himself. And skating. No room 4 me in those thoughts.

How hot..

Is Pendergrass's body! Dude! Bite marks now cover them abs!

My fave pict of David.

He is the guy in the front with the sexy blue eyes, menthol cig, and the fourty ounce. He is soo hood! NOT! Man I miss him.

And time marches on..

So.. Yesterday, after I took care of my business, I walked my Wifey to class, then I knew that I I had to get my sunglasses back from Davids house.. I had planned on doing this anywayz, so I made sure that I brought the skateboard that he got for me last year in the car.. I had to get rid of it. I was never going to ride it again, and looking at the damn thing just made me want to burst into tears. So I gave it back.. Got my sunglasses back, and left really without a second word. He tried to make some sort of conversation.. I'm sure it would have just been, oh, I hate your skin, I hate your hair, and I told you that guys and girls can't be friends.. yadda yadda.. so I drove away.. Plus, I kinda had to go meet up with Pen before he went to work.. I got to Pens' casa with plenty of time to watch 2 episodes of Firefly.. which was AWESOME!! He kept telling me that he cleaned his room, and again with the mentioning about how clean his room was.. which i kept informing him, was really fucking awesome.. I think he wanted me to do dirty things with him again.. but that wasn't gonna happen, I really just wanted to get my movie from him and leave.. I mean watching Firefly was a bonus, but Yeah.. the number has already been erased from my phone.. I'm just not feeling him.. Well I guess theres that and he's leaving in February anywayz.. Plus, I already got what I want from him.. I got to PEE on his FACE! How KICK ASS is that?!?! But whatever, all I want is my I mean Just David. I miss him.. God I'm so screwed in this. I was talking to my Wifey about this, and she says that I should just get over him cause he is a loser, she has always thought that, and will always think that. She says maybe I just have a fetish for retards or something.. I'm starting to wonder if shes right.. But I mean, she liked Casey.. Hell, EVERYONE likes Casey.. But Casey wasn't, isn't for me. But whatever. Now i'm all melancholy and shit. I keep looking at the pictures of David that i'm slowly deleting.. the ones in my phone, the ones on my myspace, the ones on my computer that he doesn't even know I have.. Just the cute sleepy pictures of him.. You know how when your with someone (so technically I wasn't 'with' him)and your out having a great time, you fool around, and they fall asleep, and you just want to preserve the moment forever? Yeah, I've got THOSE pictures.. unfortunately the picts are all I've got will be gone forever like the guy himself. Lame.. Maybe i will keep a couple.. I can't help it! I think he is amazing! I LIKE staring at him.. I think hes cute!! I'll have to put my fave pict of him on my blog so that I can pretty much get rid of all the others, and just stare at that one. But anywayz.. I've been typing this and doing my hair at the same time.. well I'm done now, typing, not with my hair necessarily, i mean, I've done pretty much all I'm gonna do tonight. just enough to put it into a ponytail.. I'm tired, and i need nicotine. I guess, when I have nothing better to do than mope around my house after a boy, i tend to get productive.. Cause now, I won't have to do my hair for at least a month or so. and i even did it short this time. usually, i do my braids looooooooong! I mean down to my ass long. But it just didn't seem like the thing to do Right now. okies, i sent a pict of my hair and a pict of David AND a picture of Pendergrass's ROCKING bod! OMG! That guy has a fucking hot body.. goddess bless it! Amazing that a computer nerd like himself could have such a body and an athlete as David well, doesn't. I mean don't get me wrong, David has a sexy body( well to me anyways) but he is most certainly not cut like Pen.. which is probably why I like him.. I'm not really into muscular guys, I mean YES they are PHENOMENAL to look at.. but come on, I don't want a guy thats prettier to look at naked than I.. It ruins the whole dynamics of the relationship. But anyways, i'm off to gather my nico fix.. holla!

from the excerpts of the breakup chronicles

Date:
Jan 21, 2008 9:28 PM
Flag as Spam or Report Abuse [ ? ]

Subject:

RE: I get it.
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: No Longer Confused
Date: 21/01/2008


I don't want to put you in an awkward position. So i understand that your just not that into me. It hurts, I won't lie, But I understand. Thanks for being so forth coming with me.

-Danielle
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: david
Date: Jan 21, 2008 8:42 PM



I don't know what to do,so confused,.....FUCK!



-------------------Original Message-----------------

Well... That would be the HUMAN in you. I don't understand why YOUR so confused! YOU asked ME out first.. I said no. Now I guess I felt as if I understood you and vice versa.. What does it matter, now your just gonna used the fact that i fooled around with that other guy as the reason to not make it work.. Whatever. I'm not gonna argue with you, or get angry, or beg or grovel.. it happened, I'm NOT sorry for doing it. There was an opportunity for carnage, if you knew me, then you would know how much I ADORE carnage, and if you can't bring it, I will find it elsewhere.. Plus as you said, its perfect cause he is leaving anyways.. I used protection.. and We WERE NOT TOGETHER anyways. You broke my New years resolution 1st, but you weren't all that broken up about makin me out to be a liar then.. you fucked around with me AGAIN yesterday. Your not all broken up about making me a Liar then either. So I'm supposed to accept you making me into the 'bad one' just so that you feel good about not actually returning the feelings i have for you. its not gonna happen. You think that I'm just a liar. But your lying to yourself if you think that you had no part in all of this. You insensitivity to my feelings as they grew for you is what put us in this particular predicament. Its both neither and both of our faults.. it started out wrong. But we made it work. Now whether or not you would like to still talk to me is up to you.. Just let me tell you that it was a PLEASURE meeting you, and i wish you all the best, if I never see you again. And you KNOW that this is going on my blogger.
-Danielle

time to come clean

so i wrote mostly the truth about my weekend.. but i just told david that i was in love with him, and he basically told me to get over it. So I'm gonna tell more truth.. I fooled around with david like last tuesday.. I fucked up and had sex with him.. even after making it clear that I wanted to stick to my resolution. He fucked the shit outa me, and it was awesome.. Not nearly as ruff as the sex I had with Pendergrass, yes I fucked Pen that illustrious Saturday night. My GOD! It was fabulous.. well with pen, everything was awesome except for the actual sex part, I will say that David has it, and Pen has it.. I mean, the whole fighting and carnage that went along with Fooling around with Pen was just so sublimely awesome.. I fucked him, then pissed on his face as he came. It was fabulous.. afterward, I told that no offense, but i'd had better. Hell the whole night we were hanging out, I kept wanting to call him Jeremy for some reason.. But anyways.. i fucked him, then sunday, while i was getting my cuddle on with David, I fucked David.. I needed some familiar dick.. It was awesome with David, He made me squirt, and with both of them, I will just take the easy way out and say that its because I was drunk.. however, with Pen, I had looooooong since sobered up..He just made me want to fuck him after the fighting that we had done.. the bruises, the blood, the carnage.. all of that! It was Awesome! Te actual act of sex was very blah.. Though the position he had me in was pretty groovy. I love David. I would do just about anything for him. But since he just doesn't feel the same, and is hell fired and damnation to stop talking to me at all costs, I just don't give a wit right now about being tactful. I didn't need for him to be ruff, I already had my carnage, I just wanted booty from him.. I like sex, alot. Plus i figured, I wasn't really going to tell anybody, and I could give a fuck if Pen says something.. It was all fun and games. He knows this. Plus, he is moving in February anyways.. But reguardless of that.. David doesn't like me. will never like me, HAS never liked me. And I am sad. But surprisingly not enough to actually want to hurt myself, or others. Maybe its cause I got really great sex.. technically it was from 2different people, but put em together, and it was one great sexual adventure. Now, I'm going to smoke, and then repair the damage done to my hair that was done by Pen. I guess I WILL go hang out with him tomorrow. Why not? Even if I just get really shitty sex from him, 4 play will be incredibly inventive and thats really all I'm gonna be getting right now.. Since saving myself for David is out of the question, might as well rock out with my cock out.

My life..

this weekend was absolutely ah-mazing..(FRIDAY) I that new movie CLOverfield, and then hung with my wifey and Animal pants and the mountain man Jordan, and Tim was in town, so it was nice to see him.. Then I went and hung out at Pendergrass's house for a moment.. We played video games and he smoked pot.. I just enjoyed the company.. It was weird hanging at his house though.. When I was at jordans, we were playing Halo, but listening to some kick ass tunes.. at Pens casa, He had us listening to oldskool videogame music.. I'm talking like castlevania or early mario bros music.. and this is while we were playing call of duty 4.. it was odd to listen to such old skool shit while playing a newer game.. But I had fun.. (SATURDAY) I hung with Brandy.. we went shopping for her house warming party, and to help her find a couch and love seat.. But not many people came so we ended up going out to Devils Martini in Scottsdale and having a FUCKTON of fun well, for the most part.. I met this guy that is phillipino, and he was very drunk, and very fucking grabby.. He was cool, we exchanged numbers, but he kept being all up in my look.. finally, Brandy had to put the smack down.. Oh yeah.. Pendergrass came with brandy and brad and brads friend and then josh's friend drove.. it was pretty super.. I think that pen was super uncomfortable, cause it wasn't his normal NERD element.. See that is the hardest part for a chick like me who digs nerds.. You never can take them anywhere out of their element, or else you run the risk of seeing exactly how nerdy they are.. But whatever.. I had fun at the club.. Then I spent the night at Pens house.. actually, there was no sleeping on my part( like there ever really is)But I DID have a bang uptime.. Literally.. We wrestled and fought.. I told him that I had a rape fetish.. He said that he was willing to fulfill that fetish.. I told him that if he could take it, he could have it.. Contrary to my height and size, I'm surprisingly strong.. Basically, I made him fight for me to piss all over his face. It. Was. Awesome. I forgot how much fun it is to be in complete control like that.. To have someone want you so bad, that they would settle to just have you piss all over them.. Its funny, cause while I peed on his face, I made him jack off, and when he came, he came all over his precious sega and playstation consoles.. It was fucking awesome! But I haven't fought and wrestled with that much gusto in such a loooooooong time!It was refreshing to fight with out restriction or conscience, or the danger of hurting the other person too much, cause the guy can take a punch.. He has got a fuckton of bite marks and bruises, I am kinda sore.. Fore sure my nipples are from them constantly being grabbed and bitten and pinched.. it was the thing for him to do when I started biting the fuck outa him.. He was still a little on the pussy side, mainly cause he was still up in arms about actually hitting me.. He wouldn't slap me, but he would bite the fuck outa me.. It crazy how much fun you can have still fully clothed.. Well, to make a long story short, He was unable to take it, so he didn't get it, but I cave him a C+ for effort and then pissed all over his face.It was nice. I had fun.. Then he had to go to sleep cause he had to work the next morning at like 10 or something.. so he finally went to sleep at about 730 or 8am.. I stayed up playing video games until he was ready to take me back to Brandys' place. (SUNDAY) After I got back to Brandy's house, obviously it was a ruff night the night before, and I was starving.. So everyone was still pretty much asleep at her house, I reheated some of the food from the night before, drank some water, popped in Failure to Launch, and hung out until every one woke up. Basically They all came about around 11ish or so.. By that time, I had already started on my 1st beer, and was thinking about having a shot or two.. We ended up making bloody Mary's and I had a couple of scotches mixed with Heinekin or vice versa.. Then we went to Chipotle and went and saw that movie <1st friday> (Horrible!) and then back to Brandy's house. I had talked to My David like sprinkled through out the day, and I figured that since I had had such a drama and violence filled night before, I wanted to cuddle with something familiar.. Being the raging alky that I was, whenever I talked to David, I was super sugary sweet and nice and incredibly luvy duvy.. But it was cool, when we were done with the movie, I went to his house to get my cuddle on.. On the way over, i realized that I was pretty fucking drunk, and probably should not have been driving, But boy I couldn't wait to seeeeeeee my David! The crazy part about it, was that I realized that I really missed him.. I probably would say that I am completely infatuated with that boy.. So I go to his house and I get to cuddle with him, and finally, after such a Looooooooong weekend, I slept.. It was probably some of the best sleep i had gotten in a loooong time.. I missed David.. As I woke up with him asleep next to me, I realized that, I was really in love with this guy.. I mean, there are not many people that I feel comfortable enough to sleep around, even when I first met him, I felt comfortable enough with him to just have a rockin time.. I know that with all the other ones after him, I will just be biding my time, Just filling in the blank space until he comes around to see that we could be super happy together. Which upon further reflection, just means that at I will be waiting for a while. Again putting my thoughts and feelings and what I know is best on the back burner Just for what? IDK.. some guy to realize that I am in love with him and can't live my life without him in it and would even cut myself off from what I want in life just to be his FRIEND. Not sure how long this will last, but I've only got 3yrs.. But I suppose if I have to be a great friend to him and celibate for the rest of my life with the exception of when he deems my appearance appealing enough to fuck, then I guess thus is the rest of my life. God I'm lame. He is the love of my life, and it sucks that there is nothing, nothing, nothing that I can do about it.. Hell I had ample chances to fuck someone else, but i get to that point, and I want nobody but him, just his cock , just his fingers, just his lips, just his body against mine.. nobody elses. It sucks, cause now I have to occupy myself with random guys just to keep myself from being a bugaboo to him. Is it fair that I find guys to keep me busy, but be unable to fool around with any of them? Is it fair for me to be in love with someone who doesn't love me back? Its not fair. Maybe I should just sleep with Pen.. Yeah he is leaving in February, which seems like a huge waste of my time.. But ya know, his cock isn't bad, and he has stamina, and is willing to be as ruff with me as I like.. but he doesn't deserve the pussy.. Not even David deserves the pussy.. But that is who I want to give it to. Its just not fair. Now Pen has called me to come over and hang out.. Hell he even suggested coming out to my house to hang. But do I say yes? Nope.. cause I want to hang with David. But David is busy. So now I will be at home alone tonite instead of hanging out and having fun. Its not fair. Its just not fair. I'm in love with an emotionless asshole. And there seems to be nothing I can do about it, nor the way that I feel. LAME

Boom baby!

We went 2 Dmartini last nite, and boy, was it fun. I got accosted by this drunk guy.. Like all nite he was on my ass! He was a little wierd, but it was cool. I had my peeps wit me.

The begining of greatness.

I hung with brandy yesterday.. Im not gonna lie.. It was fucking awesome! It was cool that i also got 2 hang with Pen. That is one down ass muthafucka! This is going 2 be good. Suks that he will only be here til february.But i like em quick...

Too sick 4 words

I am sick. I take medicne. I sleep.

I'm moving..

Yes.. I have given my roomate 30days notice today.. why? because i don't like the fact that her boyfriend is over here ALL the FUCKING TIME!! He is creepy, and he makes me feel uncomfortable. so i paid for my rent up until the 16th of february.. sad, cause now i have to find someplace else to live and such. which means, I will most likely be moving back to casa grande.

Thank-you

For your support.. It is greatly appreciated. Venting is something that all of us must do at least once in our lives.. I love writing in my blogs.. Love it to death.. But there is nothing like talking to an actual live person.. even if they have no feedback whatsoever, its still nice to talk to a live person..

I fucked up.. and the Jaguars suck!

My team lost yesterday. I'm saddened by this.. It set of a chain of fucked up events for the rest of the night.. I am a loser, not even good enough to blow.. I am a bitch with too much attitude to shake a stick at. I'm a stupid girl, who got caught up in stupid girls antics. I'm the idiot who instrumented my own descent into madness.. now that i'm off work, i'm drinking heavily. in hopes to erase the images of who stupid i was last night from my mind.. It was such a bad idea to go well ANYWHERE last night. and I was SOBER!! I had no excuse! except that I'm a stupid girl that believes the drunken ravings of friends that don't actually care about anything but themselves. It was awkward, and weird and I'm glad that i can say that i've had enough to drink to not care right now. I think that this will be my life.. I will go to work, then come home and drink myself into a coma until I can no longer remember the reason I'm doing it.Hopefully it wont be to much longer that i have to do this shit. Hopefully. I'm sad. And I hate my roomys boyfriend. he sucks the bib one and I hope he dies in a vicious accident that involves him saying something smart to the wron person.

My life.. in a nutshell

Is composed of fleeting moments of clarity.. Like when i figured out that Mr.Smith was better at hiding his feelings than I.. Like when I figured out that Casey was a big ass mommas boy. Like when I figured out that Brian was a poser. Like when I realized that Jeremy and I would never be more than friends, no matter how much we joke. Like when I figured out that I can do anything I want, as long as it is within the moral social confines of this particular society. What I don't understand, is why when I find something that I truly enjoy, it is taken from me in a manner the befits someone who has the karma of a python that has bitten and swallowed the most holy of holy mice. Fuck this.. I have money, I should just go buy a fuck-ton of sleeping pills, and a bottle of scotch and just end this right now.. I'm depressed. I have never thought myself to be A person of such low character, that the ill will(or just random uncaringness) of 1 person, could send me into a shame spiral that would make me want to end my own life. I know they aren't worth it. Hell, even they know they aren't worth it.. I advocate for a person to live life only for themselves, and to not let the retardness of another human being be the center of your life. But obviously, I don't follow my own rules. He was the center of my universe, the beginning and end of my world. I wanted to help, I wantd to hold, I wanted to make him happy, I wanted him to be all that he could be. Now, I just want to be a bitch. Be really fucking mean. Be really fucking juvenile. Like egg his car, or key his car with the word 'asshole'. Fuck one of his friends in his bed, or go to the place that he is with a hot guy and start making out in front of him( ok, I could never actually do that anyways cause kissing is disgusting!)! I feel the need to do something,. anything to forget. To make him feel as bad and as FUCKED UP as I feel. But I will do none of those things. I will sit at home and cry.. Yes I'm crying.. and feel sorry for myself. My sorry self. I can't believe that he actually had the nerve to agree that he cared not at all for me. I'm glad, and disappointed. Through TEXT MESSAGING and E-mail of all things!! He did not have the nerve to tell me to my face! He didn't even care enough to call and tell me!! Through comments on my blogs, and my myspace and text messaging on my phone.. this is how shitty my life is when it comes to guys. It makes me just want to do something uber destructive.. I think I'm gonna get drunk tonite.. really fucking drunk. really, really fucking drunk and as per usual, it will be all by myself!

God I miss..

Having a friend to talk to.. Especially at a time like this! I don't mean Retarded chicks.. I mean a guy friend to hang out with and to chillax with and to tell me where I went wrong.

the previous post..

is not my ass at all.. but somestimes i wish it was.. at the same time.. they picture is of a tranny, but it doesn't show you that cause it won't scroll like it does on my phone.. sadness..

FWD:

A lil sexy.

Im not happy with my life.

But i deal with it as best i can. Regaurdless of the idiots that surround me.

I've got a date!

Saturday, I've got a date to watch my jumpin Jags, take on the patsy Pats.. Hurrah! and , I will get to ride on a narley Harley! Fuck-yeah indeed! I haven't been on a Harley in years! It will be nice to get out and cruise around.. I wonder what I should wear.. Hell, How should I do my hair?

Easily replacable.

Is what they are. Boys i mean. When 1 acts retarded, another is there 2 take his place. Why was i so depressed about david? He was just another notch in the belt.

one last..

caress
post
kiss
life
love
dick
fuck
suck
lick
pick
chick
feast
person
car
jar
hole
mole
chore
floor
door
and the list goes on, and on.. Yes.. i am an insomniac once again.. Back to the old me.. feels..I will let you fill in the blank.

life..

Sucks.. I'm depressed. I'm upset. I'm not in my right frame of mind. My mind is racing like 100mph and I just can't get it to slow the fuck down.. I can't sleep, there is so much going on inside me. I want to laugh hysterically, I want to cry achingly, I want to play with myself, but I'm disgusted by myself.. I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm irritated, i'm glad, I'm bitchy, But happy.. Whats going on?!? Only felt like this once before.. Overstimulated.. But I know I need to sleep. Tomorrow is a big day. Not really, But it could be! You never know what tomorrow could bring. Maybe I am getting some semblance of my old self back.. The insomniac.. I'm ok with that. I'm ok with that. I'm ok with that, i'm ok with that. I'm ok with that. I'm ok with that.

A coversation between BB and I.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: *NINJA KITTY*
Date: 07/01/2008


as per your request, you have been removed from my top friends list. As usual, Your wish is my command.

---------------- Original Message -----------------
From: david
Date: Jan 8, 2008 6:00 AM


AHH! you didn't have to do that! I was joking, but whatever. So, if my wish is your command than I better start thinking of some coller wishes than removing me from your top friends list. Have a great day!
~DAVID!


----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: *NINJA KITTY*
Date: 08/01/2008


Thats rich! You thinking about something cooler? hahahahaha!! Don't hurt your brain trying to do that.. It would be unseemly. Plus, there really is no need to think on things for you.. Thinking requires emotions.. of which you are in seriously short supply of. My day was fabulous thanks..I imagine that they could only get better.. at least I hope.
--------------Original Message----------------

Jan 8, 2008 3:51 PM

WHOA! was that last sentence positve? Is Danielle turning a leaf? Is 2008 going to bring a positve outlook to Danielle? I hope so. It's much more attractive than being a Debbie Downer.
Your Pal,
David Smith


*in response to this I wrote :

Hmmm.. to be honest, I think that being abstinent has totally turned my thinking.. I mean, the worst thing I can think of has already happend to me.. what more is there to think of. Plus, It helps that I can pretty much blog at a moments notice.. That way i'm not carrying the bad around inside for a long period of time.. I can get it out almost immediately.. and I think that helps alot.. I notice that i blog almost constantly.. But at the same time, my general out look on life is pretty bleak.. If the worst has already happend, then I can take the bull shit thats left. So what If I'm old and alone.. So what if I have no talent.. I am who I am, and who I am is what makes me, me. I can be no one else. I just want to get to the point(again) like you where other people don't mean shit and are as replaceable as toilet paper. People come and go, but I have to live with myself for the rest of my life.. however short it may be.

*************************************************************************************
Now.. He has not sent anything back at this time.. i'm thinking its cause he has the emotional availability of a rock and Just doesn't want to fight.. Which is fine.. I actually do wish i was more like him.. Then maybe I wont feel so crybabyish all the time.. But after re-reading the last thing he wrote, I realized.. Who the Fuck cares if i'm more attractive with a positive attitude.. Just cause I'm not what he likes, doesn't mean that someone couldn't find my surly, bitchy attitude endearing.. Hell I accepted him even after i thought he was mentally retarded( No Really i seriously did for a moment there, still do kinda) ya know, kinda like rain man, only just not as smart, and instead of stuttering he just says 'like' alot. But anyways, I still was fucking the shit out of him then.. I accept him for not being overly attractive,for having gray hairs, for having a receding hair line( I actually kind of like that on my guys for some reason) for having no major goals in life except to "SHRED".. Hell I was even there when he moved back in with his mom, who lives in the AVENUES, and he is 28yrs old! I even kept at it when I realized that he was too much of a fucking PUSSY to fuck me rough.. or even when he popped after 5minutes of sex, in which there was 5 minutes of foreplay..and the foreplay was all about him then!! Then he tried to finger fuck me to appease me.. HA! the crazy part, is that i was still going back for more even when i was pretty much faking how much I enjoyed sex for like the last 2 months.. Ok I will say that for some reason, when he lived at his moms, sex was really fucking good then.. now.. its like hes bored, i'm bored and we were doing it just to have something to do when we hung out. I don't know why we went through the motions, for such a long time.. Familiarity I guess.. It was something (someone) to do, with out whoring around( at least on my part) I'm guessing for him, it was just like he told me.. I made myself available.. I think he should just stick with his old friend aubry.. Yeah, he says he likes the girls of color, but ya know.. he always ends up fucking around with her again, and again, and again..Surprisingly, I'm not as upset about it as I thought I would be.. As in the previous blog, I knew it wouldn't work out with us in the beginning.. Its cause we are sooooo much alike.. I need a counterbalance, and David Smith(BB) is most definetely NOT IT!.. I aspire to be as emotionless as he.. I can only dream of being that Fucking dense, that fucking blind that even hellen keller could see how much I cared.. Now, I just feel disgust.. disgust at myself mostly for wasting a year out of my life with a guy I knew from the get go was not for me, and disgust at him, for letting it go on soooooo fucking long.. He gets out of this unscathed and "da man" through his 'peeps' I get.. blogs.

shit that i wrote to myself about my situation..

Well, I'm sorry that you made a bad decision that YOU now have to deal with.. I guess that whole celibacy thing is too little to late, huh? Its really not MY fault that you got knocked up by MR.Morality and then figured she would just 'take care of herself'.. Your an Idiot, and you know it. I'm here to remind you just how much of an Idiot you are EVERYDAY!I liked Casey! I thought you guys were AWESOME together.. Don't forget that I was there when the times were good, AND when the times were bad.. I KNOW what happened and I even know Why.. I figure if you can be chicken shit all the time, then I can be a BITCH all the time.. I'm seriously tired of hearing you bemoan the loss of some guy YOU WILL NEVER GET BACK.. Get over it! Quit being a dumb whore.. your starting to fucking act and whine just like Brandy.. If you don't snap out of it, I'm just gonna have to drop you like we did her.. Hell I'll do ya one better.. Still, I understand that your confused and hurt and whatever else you fucking chicks tend to feel..But does that give you an excuse to make me listen to you fucking cry about it? If you don't fucking like something, change it.. if you can't change it, then leave it alone and walkt the fuck away.. Just like that idiot David.. You did what you had to do to get away from him right? He was an idiot and a jackAss, and your alot happier without trying to get him to fit in that little prefabricated mold that you have for your guys.. You knew he wouldn't fit this whole time, You were in a power struggle with yourself trying to leave him alone.. You found a way out of that stupid shit right? If you ask me, he was a waste of time, energy and space.. But Obviously, what I think just doesn't matter, or else you wouldn't be in the FUCKED-UP situation your in now. STOP looking for the perfect guy.. There isn't one.. Casey was cool, I will admit that.. But even he wasn't perfect, as testament to him choosing that horrible child over you.

If i had never had the child,

We would have been great 2gether. He made me laugh, he made me learn, he made me happy. I loved him and was 2 chicken 2 say. Now i pay. I do think he was 4 me, but i acted like BB, and now we are done. He was the one. I miss Casey Stewart.

Oh yeah.. I had one of those..

But he prefered the company of a small child 2 me. Its truly hopeless this search for the 1. Truly hopeless. It makes me cry 2 know that i wont know what its like 2 b truly loved.

Is it 2 much 2 ask 4 a guy that can open

A door for a girl? A car door? A store door? Automatically reach 2 carry bags when ur out shopping? Take ur hand and kiss it every so often? Look in2 ur eyes and see ur soul. Kiss ur neck without slobber. Show emotion n still b a man?

Hanging with BB is awesome.

And even tho we faught the majority of this day, having a beer and hangin @ the vine, made it all cool. Its to bad he wont do it again since im nolonger putting out. Sad that i find out thats all he wanted. But happy that now i know.

The room of doom. This is where..

All the fighting, fucking, and frustration happens. No magic.. At least not anymore. Im over it. I hope.

This is the asshole who is responsible 4

Making me feel things like a regular human being. He suks. He suks. HE SUKS! Anybody wanna off him 4 me?

This suks! Im all super horney and i

Have no outlet! He is devoid of human emotion, and i am fucked 4 caring.. Now i understand what the punk princess was talking about. Emotionally unavailable.. And i thought I was hardcore.

Why do i care so much?

When he cares more about hisself than me? Im willing, im able, but that just isnt enuf. What more does he want? What more cld he need? I offer my fragile soul.. But with him, my gift is denied and returned unopened. I am unacceptable in his eyes.

I want him 2 take it like its owed 2 him

Iike it was his all along.No matter how much i kick n scream. Him forcing me is hot! I will cum bak 4 more, even if he hurts me. Especially if he hurts me. He shld know that it belongs 2 him.. Cause it does. Him and no one else.

previous post..

So the highlighting didn't work, which blows, but whateve.. you guys should be able to figure out which ones I'm all aboot.. and if not, I guess you could just ask me and I will tell you.. By the way.. Stumble and Pandora are some of the best sites ever!!

Pearls of wisdom..

so I high-lighted the ones that are especially important!

Pearls of Wisdom
"Twenty-Five Things It Took Me Over
50 Years To Learn" by Dave Barry

1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.

2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time.

3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.

4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.

5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

6. A penny saved is worthless.

7. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies.

8. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

9. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.

10. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

11. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."( this is for certain people)!!

12. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

13. There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer that generates concepts for television sitcoms. When TV executives need a new concept, they turn on this computer; after sorting through millions of possible plot premises, it spits out, "THREE QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT," and the executives turn this concept into a show. The next time they need an idea, the computer spits out, "SIX QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." Then the next time, it spits out, "FOUR QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." And so on. We need to locate this computer and destroy it with hammers.

14. Nobody is normal.(we should all take heed!)

15. At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited and announce that:
* The universe is even bigger than they thought!
* There are even more subatomic particles than they thought!
* Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.

16. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

18. The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite of what the advertiser actually thinks. For example:
* If the advertisement says "This is not your father's Oldsmobile," the advertiser is desperately concerned that this Oldsmobile, like all other Oldsmobiles, appeals primarily to old farts like your father.
* If Coke and Pepsi spend billions of dollars to convince you that there are significant differences between these two products, both companies realize that Pepsi and Coke are virtually identical.
* If the advertisement strongly suggests that Nike shoes enable athletes to perform amazing feats, Nike wants you to disregard the fact that shoe brand is unrelated to athletic ability.
* If Budweiser runs an elaborate advertising campaign stressing the critical importance of a beer's "born-on" date, Budweiser knows this factor has virtually nothing to do with how good a beer tastes.

19. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

20. You should not confuse your career with your life.

21. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

22. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

23. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

24. Your friends love you anyway.

25. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

It ahmazes me how these fucktards@

Think im dat intrested in dey lives. We nolonger have neting in comon, and dey do nutin but call 2 tell me how gr8 ereting is going 4 dem, and den have da nerve 2 ask me when am i gona hang wit dem again. I tell em 2 cum get me. Dat cuts em off der.

happiness

happiness is hanging with my roomies kids and actually having fun! its being able to finally use my palm pilot to get on the internet!!! I miss BB!! But I guess that's sorta normal when the person you used to see on a regular basis is out of town! I wonder if he will call me when he gets back. I wonder if he is even thinking of me at all while he is in Vegas. I doubt it. I mean even if i had went to vegas, i would have called to see how he was doing. but i guess that that's the difference between us. i may care,but he doesn't. yet another reason why it would never work with us. i like that he proves me right about my migivings all the time! it shows me that i am always right and that i should never second guess myself. crazy how that works out. okies,i'm going to do my hair. that way i wont look shabby for my interview tomorrow. holla atcha girl!

a few more words..

so I was thinking about this whole abstinence thing.. and I think its a damn good Idea.. Mainly cause then i can get rid of all the unwanted emotions i have swirling about my head and focus on really important shit, like myself..I figure maybe i will give the odd blow job or hand job or even a little tit-fucking.. but nothing below the waist.. I figure that this is a good idea, cause then i will never be disappointed because i got lame sex.. Its really easy for me to get myself off, and i do such a good job at it, i just cant for see ever letting someone else in my pants ever again.. The really cool thing about it, is that now, it would take a super smooth, super groovy, incredibly masterful guy to get in my pants.. or hell, to even get my shirt off! That means he would have to totally mind fuck me 1st! Which we all know is super hard for most guys to do.. at the same time, it shows his real character.. cause most guys would be completely satisfied with getting blown all the time, instead of having to do work( not like they do such bang up jobs of getting us girls off anyways and thats why we fake it) to get us off.. But a guy that was truly interested in me as a person, would want to know why, i decline to give it up, and then try his damnedest to get me to give it up.. it shows commitment, interest, and above all, a supreme desire to want to be in control.. I figure, that even if i have to give 5 different guys blow jobs, but one guy is at a lost of the why i will only blow him and nothing else, and continues to ask for more, then i have found a guy worthy of giving it up to.. actually the thing is, I'm only going to start with really shitty hand jobs.. They get 3 hand jobs, and if they decide its not worth it, then they aren't worth it.. If they last past that, then we shall see where it goes from there.. actually, i think the sequence will go, hand job, hand job, hand job.. I don't want to see you, then hand job, shirt off then i don't want to see you then hand job, tit fuck, hand job, then i don't want to see you , then hand, tit, a little head, the finish your self off cause I'm to tired, the head, and I'll finish you off with the tit fucking.. we shall see who makes it that far.. I'm sure there will be few(if any) who will.

Break time!

As i sit smoking, all i can think about is that one guy. He came into my life last year and forced me 2 think about some of the choices that i made. Mostly i realized why i had made those choices, and why i have 2 stick 2 them. I like that about him.

Just had a thought..

So i was just thinking, that even if i was with like a guy that was tailor made 4 me, and i fucked up and knew that the only way 2 save what we had was 2 say i luv u 2 him, i wldnt say it. I think that im incapable of saying it and meaning it. Lame!

What i want continued..

I want 2 drive around in a decent car and enjoy a secure relationship with someone who has likeminded ideas. Smile and laugh and joke and have great sex. I want 2 be able 2 take vacations and be content in knowing my life is good. Thats what I want.

So.

I have decided that i want the figment of the american dream. I Want 2 live in a nice middle class neiborhood, and walk a beautiful dog every day with my significant other. 2 have adult parties in the nice house we have no problem paying 4. ect..

New Years Resolution..

So this is the 1st post of a new year.. My resolution is oh-so clear.. Abstinence is first on my list, followed by getting rid of most off the current mouth breathers that I currently call friends.. Basically this means that i will turn into one uber boring chic.. Oh well.. Its not as if my life was all that interesting before.. I was stuck trying to figure out if this retarded sk8er was for me or if The redhead was all mine.. Well, after conversations last night.. i have come to the conclusion that neither are right.. So in my great attempt to not get all wee-todd-ed again, I have decided to not have sex with anyone but myself.. we will see how far this gets me with the redhead.. And see how long it takes for contact with the sk8er boi to fizzle out.. on the bright side, making this choice has done wonders for my complection and weight.. why just since making this decision lastnight, my acne cleared up, and i lost 12 lbs! ok so thats not totally true, but close enough! My face does look strangely clearer, and I do look more fit.. I'm actually going to go walk the puppy right now! Hurrah for the new year! One more year closer to death!