If

If he cared, he wld have come over rite? Home alone with the puppy, no alcohol, and no pot. Am i lame, or a grown up? Or just a lame grown up? I knew i was outgrowing him, but, so soon? Tragedy.

so fucking bored

with life.. but as i said before, pandora is doin the damn thing with my music selection.. Hell, i don't even get it this right with my ipod..

Yet again, I act like a cunt!

So, BB called to see if I wanted to hang out, I'm not in a frame of mind to be around his stupid friends or his ineptness of being able to handle me in this mood.. plus i would just feel stupid and ugly cause i have a fever blister, and all the zits that he so duly hates.. Why is it that he still fucks with me? IDK.. If he is so repulsed by the way that i look, then what the fuck is he doing still talking to me? I just don't understand that.. I'm just so damn angry.. and i have no clue why. I wanna cry aboot it, but I've long since lost the ability to do that.. unless I'm crying from laughing really hard.. Now I am listening to 'bodies' by the smashing pumpkins.. its the song that reaches to the very depths of my soul right now, and Goddess bless pandora for playing it!! LoVe Is SuiCidE.. thats just how I feel.. If i had alcohol, I would be so drunk right now.. but i have nothing, nothing, nothing.. no food, no drink, no pot.. nothing to create a vice for myself that would make me forget, even for a little while, how absolutely pointless my exhistence on this earth is, and just how much nobody cares.. why even write this blog? nobody cares, or reads it.. and if they do, they really only do it just because they are bored.. I'm sure we all have something more important that we should be doing than fucking around on the internet.. the internet, just another way for us to waste precious time. I was so mean to BB.. I just can't be nice on the phone to anybody today.. even when my mom called me today, I was bitchy on the phone with her.. but when she got here, I was as great full and as happy to see her as a starving person.. God.. I'm such a loser..

continued from ok..

So since i felt as if the invitation was out of pity and not because he REALLY wanted to hang out with me on new years eve( even though we had already made plans to do so) I declined.. I don't want to be taken out on a pity date.. then he won't have fun, and I wont have fun, and the night would have been a huge disaster.. Plus.. how could he think that I would want to hang out with the loser sk8ers that he hangs with.. ok maybe that was a little harsh and wrong.. but HE is the one who wants to party like of nube fratboy.. I wanna party with more sofisticated and probably way more entertaining people.. ok thats a lie to.. I don't wanna really go any where, just hang out in the house by the fire place.. drink some bubbly stuff, and have a really tame time of it actually.. IDK.. I guess I am getting older.. cause I don't want to go out and get completely shit faced just because its new years.. I figure I will just have to spend this new years like I will spend for the next 3 years.. alone, with my computer.. or just alone.. you know, they say that the person you kiss( or in my case are just with) on new years eve, is the person that you will spend the rest of that year with..The crazy part about it, is that I have always found that to be true.. So again, this year.. I shall be by myself.. cause you know, if he really wanted to hang with me for new years, he wouldn't have let my surly attitude stop him from coming out here.. he would just show up, ready to do nothing but hang with me.. But i guess if I were in his shoes, I would rather leave the spoil sport at home too and go out and get really fucking wasted and then watch all of my friends die in a drunk driving accident that i caused cause i figured that i was sober enough to drive but for got( cause i was wasted) the there are other people out there on the road thinking the same thing, but not as sober.. Ok.. maybe I'm a little bitter because I am forgotten in my little corner of the AZ..But its just wrong.. I ALWAYS have to go see those fucking people at their houses.. because mine is to far they say.. but they forget that I have to drive that shit to see them on a regular basis.. so Fuck it.. as of now, I am alienating myself from all those fucktards.. They could care less what happens to me, so as of now, i hope they all go out to their respective new years eve parties and have just a horrible time.. I hope tami gets called a fat whore, and I hope nelda gets dropped by some super cute blond girl.. I hope nene gets shit on by her dude, i hope brandy gets arrested again, and i hope the same for all their friends! and as for BB.. oh, i hope he has the best time in the world.. and then has to watch his friends die because they were drunk and did something stupid.. Fuck this.. its only riling me up more thinking about it.. I should probably be writing my new years resolution.. Well its the same as every year.. Lose weight, lose friends, become a loner, and make enough money to get all the plastic surgery I want.. yup.. here we go with yet another year.. just 3 more to go.. just 3 more to go.. just 3 more to go.. Fuck it.. maybe I will just tap out early.

Ok,

Ok, so as i walk the puppy, i was doin some thinkin. Like how retarded i was for yelling @ BB the other nite. I apologized (of course) but i cldnt get over the fact that even though he said he wld cum get me, i felt as if it was done out of pity.

MAKE ME SQUIRT!!

so I was on my stumble account, and I came across this video.. if it doesn't show up, then i will put the link to it below..



http://www.redtube.com/2325

I think its the best thing they could cover..

So

So im all outa sorts cause ima loser. The worst kinda loser. Ok so maybe im depressed. I just wanna work. I got twisted thinking i had friends. Stupid girl. Stupid me.

Just

Just want 2 c if it works.

sweeeeeeet!!

Mobile blogging is a go for this girl!! NOW I CAN SEND ALL OF MY PICTS AND SUCH DIRECTLY HERE!! This means whenever I get the hankering to write something, i can do it and send it directly here so that you all can see it! Niiiiiiice!!

Hurrah!!

So my roomy told me that I should have my computer up and running by the end of this weekend! NIIIIIICE! It will be awesome to be able to have my own shit again! But as for this newyears.. I guess I will be kicking it at home all lonely like( as usual) or I guess I could go out to Brians party.. But thats not rerally what I want to do.. I kinda want to be all snuggly with that guy, But That aint gonna happen either.. Okies well I will type more later..

another thought

I think that I want a new type of guy to dATE..I want an asian guy! Thats what i want.. But who knows where I can find one of those at.. I wish that I could just give up and give in.. But I know that thats just not simply possible for me to do.. I just want to cry and be all sad and sappy.. maybe its cause I've been hangig with family ad stressed out cause of my job situation.. But it will all work out.. at least I hope it will.. So bored, but I don't want to go now, cause if I do, then SOMEONE will ask me to take them SOMEWHERE, and I just don't feel like dealing with anyone elses issues.. What i really want to do is get stoned and go for a drive in a car that has a decent stereo system and then lay down in a field somewhere and just stare into the very blue sky.. Listening to some decent trance music and drinking sangria.. Maybe playing with some moon sand.. But whatever.. Its not gonna happen unless I make it happen, so.. But yes, i came to the conclusion that the perfect guy for me would be the type that can read minds.. cause then, I wouldn't have to work overly hARD to get what I want.. Right now, I'm too fucking lazy to try to actually make a relationship work.. But I still want one.. Kinda Lame huh? But I guess That would be me.. ya know, its funny that I think that BB is such a loser, but it seems to me that I'm more of a loser than he is.. Maybe I'm just starting to sip back into my depressive state cause I need to start working.. How does this look, me with no job, and no money, talking shit about how He is a loser.. Yup, I'm an idiot and I'm a loser and i'm lame and I think I will just cut this little forage into self pity short..

this x-masday!

So I was on my myspace.. and she is coming into town on the 16th.. not really excited, and can't really be mad about it either.. cause its not like I have any say in this.. I'm not his girlfriend, so I can't get upset.. But now, how do I react with this information? I mean, I knew i was gonnna have to deal with it at somepoint.. But come on! What Can I do.. absolutely nothing.. So I guess the whole time shes here I have to remain incommunicado.. Thankfully Brian will be back.. That way I can hang out with him, instead of being all worried about BB and his future wife.. I can't hate her, cause she is cool as fuck! But ya know, I guess i could say I'm a little jealous.. I want him all to myself for the next 3 years( some of the time) and I don't like to share my toys.. But whatever.. anywayz.. I'm so glad that this whole holiday season is almost over.. So, now I'm just wondering what I should do for newyears.. I already asked BB to hang with me, But to be honest, I don't think that He would really want to hang anywayz.. to be honest, I'm not really looking to go out.. kinda want to have a nice little get together watching movies, havng some drink, and just chillin out.. but we shall see..

soooooo..

Whats good! Just letting it be out there.. I know what i want, I know what i need.. i want a Someone who can read my mind. That way I can have the perfect guy.. with out the drama or stress.. Then.. I can have the next 3 yrs fun!! Ok that didn't make any sense.. but nuttin is making much sense to me lately.. I enjoyed my night saturday.. it was fun.. and I even got a number from a super cute guy at the bar! But thats neither here nor there.. I had fun.. with the exception of one thing.. the sex(as usual) was not the on and cracking type.. But it was groovy cause He made up for it later on.. But it still was a disappointment.. Then he tried making out with me.. eeeewwww.. But it was still groovy! Ummmm.. so I realized that I refer to all my x's by their middle names in my phonebook.. Weird... But any wayz.. I'm done with these fcking family functions.. I'm so over them.. But Back into the fray i guess.. Oh yeah.. So i talked to BB yesterday, and IDK.. I was feeling antsy and so I sorta picked a fight.. then i hung up.. But I know that I was in the wrong.. I can't help it.. Hes slow and a boy and acts like such A GIRL, THAT I CAN'T HELP BUT TO FUCK WITH HIM EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE.. Hes sooo damned concerened about what what I feel, that it affects his performance, with makes me say and write scathing remarks about or to him.. But its his fault for being so sensetive.. at least thats what I think..

just a small update!!

So it has been a weird couple of weeks.. I have a new job, but it doesn't start until the 7th of january.. fucking impossible!!But better than nuthing! And this weekend, I am supposed to be going to this super awesome formal holiday party with this guy.. I got a super groovy dress and then we found him a co-ordinating suite to go with it.. he should look like a fine piece of arm candy.. But then he was talking about making it and extremley "WHITE" xmas! Meaning that he wants to do a little nose candy.. I'm not down with that, but if thats what he wants to do... I just don't want him to get all weird n shit if he does it.. maybe I'm putting too much stock into this whole weekend night thing.. Its ok I guess... But well, I'm super nervous about how it will turn out. Plus this whole new development with Brian is kinda perplexing.. I have always said that I would never get back with an ex.. but I have also said that the relationship that he and I had was waaaaay before our time.. It should have been like 2yrs ago instead of 8yrs ago.. But since it happened when we were 19, and now that we are 26, it may be better.. obviously all his cockblocking with his boy sean was because he still likes me.. he even hit on me the last time I was at his house.. something about smoking the bud(pot) that I masturbated with(hypothetically).. I guess its called Goddess bud.. I mean I was flattered and all, but it was kinda cheesey, But lucky for him, I like cheesy pick up lines.. plus.. he is the original blue-eyed god of my dreams.. He ALWAYS gets 1st dibs.. ok maybe not, But He is a super cute guy who makes mulaugh and has a big cock and likes the mary J.. Hes cool and laid back and pretty funny.. but hes not tall like BB, or awkward like BB or as focused on other things.. wait.. now who sounds like a made in heaven match.. How is it that BB is so far from what I want, but I like him the most.. IDK.. I guess though that we shall see how things go tomorrow when I hang out with my Brian.. I'm going to help him pick out an xmas present for his mother.. It should be fun.. I am irritated cause ever since BB moved to his new place, i hear from him less and less.. we have been reduced to texting hi and other such short nonsensical messages.. Now he is texting me about hanging out.. which means he probably wants to break in his new bed.. which I'm ok with.. But still.. one cant but hope for something more.. But my face is still all super broke out.. well not as bad as it was before, but still pretty bad.. I'm not so sad faced to have brian see me like this.. But since BB made a point to say that My bad skin is like the worst.. and that that is the only thing that he would change about me.. I guess That I should be happy.. but it would have to be something that I cant change no matter what.. Lame.. maybe i'm being over sensitive..

Dontcha just luv it..

When things come together for you? They say that everthing happens for a reason.. well.. i'm a firm believer in that.. I olost my job, But got a new one, Lost whom i thought was the love of my life( but found my true one) and because of my errant ways, forgot how fun my life was before i got soo caught up in bullshit.. Now, i feel free.. i feel as if i have been given a second chance.. i have found the person who cares for me, who puts me at the top of their list EVERYTIME.. Crazy thing, is that this person has been right infront of my face this whole time I was searching for the perfect person.. Now that i've recognized it, I see what they are all aboot( which is me, myself and I) it makes my heart sing in relief.. I thought I would have never found such loyalty, such dedication, such drive to make me better.. No matter what the cost.. I am In LOVE!! Yes!! In love!! and it makes me cry to know that I only have 3yrs to give this person.. But they are so dedicated.. they just grinn and say.." we shall see how you feel at the end of those 3 yrs" and then fucks me til my arms, back,and legs give out, and i'm lying gasping for breath and totally satiated.. Ah-ma-zing what a little soul searching can bring up huh? You spend the majority of your life looking for that one person that will treat you as good as you would treat yourself.. and then you realize.. that they were right there all along.. Everytime you look in the mirror.. The best sex, the best jokes, the best of everything.. but they were also there for you during the worst moments of your life.. Its yourself.. and if people think I'm wierd for being SOOOOO in love with myself.. then they have really low expectations and probably think that marriage and kids is the epitome of coolness.. little do they know that the person you marry, 9 times out of 10, would never give their life for yours as an even exchange.. But I would do it for myself.. Now that I have somebody just for me.. all for me.. I have to figure out someother shit.. but with my #1 on my side.. it shouldn't be to hard.. Now, I'm gonna go have ruff sex with myself now.. so, if you will excuse me..

apparently me in a nut shell( so they say)

You Are Boyish Sexy

You're the kind of girl who gets along with all the boys Whether it's holding your own in a game of touch football... Or kicking some major butt while playing Xbox. You hang with the guys easily, while still keeping your girly sexiness.

What Kind of Sexy Girl Are You?

Poster of a Girl..

I know that you don't like your reality
I know that you don't like your reality
You know that I don't like my reality
I know that you don't like your reality
You know that I don't like my reality
We cannot make up the truth

I know that you don't like your reality
I know that you don't like your reality

I detest sleeping alone
Poster of a girl
Portrait of a lady
Poster of a girl

Satisfy myself
Avoid the amateurs
Those who look to shut me up
Until I go home with one of them
When I know the feeling of
Looking for the bright side
Portrait of a lady
Poster of a girl

I know that you don't like your reality
I know that you don't like your reality
We can't make up the truth
You know that you don't like your reality
I know that you don't like your reality

This Doesn't Bode Well..

So I've Lost my Job.. And it sucks I must say.. But i kinda knew that it was coming.. But whateve.. I guess its a good thing that I can bounce back realitively fast.. Then onn my way out, my car broke down.. I got it fixed, but it still sucks that that happend.. After I did that, I went to my Wifeys and smoked some grrrreat shit then I got on the phone with the Mkesn rep and got another job.. However, I was thinking that I should just start working at mssge envy and go back to school like I said I was going to do.. Then become a pharmacist and work at a rival store to take down CVS/CareMark!!! Mwahahahahahahahahaha!! J/k.. I wont do a thing like that.. I wish them all peace and harmony and the american dream. May they Live forever... so anywayz.. BB texed me at like 11pm to tell me, How did he put it? Oh yes.." Your Blogs are informative..." How.. Informative of him to tell me these things.. Now I didn't know what to make of this, so I wrote back.."they have to be. I'm one of the rare few that actually DOES come with instructions." But I'm constantly being told by guys that I have dated that I read too much into what they say.. Which goes to say that if they really cared, they would know this about me and not give me things to read soo much into.. but whateve.. Now, I'm gonna do Mindless shit on the internet for a while.. At least I don't have to go to work tomorrow..

I think I figured it out..

So BB decided that after taking a hiatus from reading my blogs, that he would start again..apparently he missed a lot of important information while he was on hiatus.. But thats his own fault..Anyways.. after some careful thought, I figured that the best way to just leave him alone, is to just start fucking another guy.. So now, I have the option of rushing it with sean, or there is this other guy shawn that one of my clear girls thinks would be right up my alley.. Then there is Jeremy( my future husband) and I'm sure I could just start fucking a couple of different people to get my mind off him.. But I'm not that type of girl.. It will probably just end up being one of the shawns.. I guess I could start fucking brian again, but why do that to myself? Plus I think i just think these things, just because I'm angry at myself for getting a little to attatched to BB.. He was just supposed to be a fuck buddy, the rebound guy for Mr.Cuddlepants, not anything necessary to my life( except for his actual friendship).. And he could still be that way.. I just gotta man-up and stop being so fucking lazy and find someone else to fuck.. So Starting saturday.. Thats my goal.. Saturday, I have a date with sean and then, if things don't work out, I will be headed to the other shawns..I'm easy.. No need to get all liquored up in shit to do it.. I'm on a fucking mission.. Hell the guy could be a scrub.. Not looking for anyone special, just a distraction.. But we shall see.. Gotta figure out how this whole period thing is gonna work out.. My period is like finding out I was with child.. I kinda figured that i was, But It was still a surprise.. So tonight on my way home from work, some dumb cunt cut me off trying to go from the 101 to the 60.. Me being the road rage driver that I am, Was incredibly pissed off. especially since she had ample room to just slow the fuck down and get behind me, instead of speeding up to get in front of me with a gynormous suv in the space that my little mazda wouldn't even fit into.. Needless to say, I had to slam on my brakes( did I mention that there was a FUCKTON of room behind me!) Just cause she HAD to get in.. To do what.. to go 60mi/ hr on the fucking FREEWAY when the speed limit is 65!!! Oh yeah did I mention that there was NOBODY FUCKING BEHIND ME when this cunt did this? So I followed her ass.. I followed her all the way out to right about apache junction before she FInally pulled over.. So I got out, and told her how disappointed i was in her driving by banging on her window and telling her to get the FUCK out the car.. She felt like Wonder woman when she cut me off, where was all her fucking gusto now? I told her that she was lucky that I didn't have a gun, or else I would have blown her fucking brains out!! Hell I did indeed have a nigga moment or as dave chappelle said I kept it real.. Thankfully It didn't go too wrong.. I even backed out so that the Bitch couldn't see my licsence plate.. I told her that is she was going to continue to drive like a retarded whore trying to give a blow job and drive at the same time, i could make it happen for her.. But she would have to get out of the car.. so of course she looked all scared and then dialed 911.. but i told her, unless she was going to tell them the reason WHY she got followed, then to just hang up the phone and take her ass whoopin like a real woman should.. Of course she declined.. Finally I left and now I'm home.. Irritated at myself and at that fucking whore for wasting my gas because she was impatient to go NO FUCKING WHERE.. LAme!! Plus BB didn't call or leave a msg of any kind to let me know what he thought of the blogs.. i guess It is an awful lot to take in.. But actions speak louder than words..He is probably out doing what he loves most in this world anyways.. (hanging with YOUNG ass kids) Eating pizza and drinking fucking sugar free red bulls, while they try to come up with new ways to bust their skulls to the white meat.. FUCK THEM ALL!! I'm going to bed.

LONG TIME: LOOOOONG TIME..

sO i ASKED FOR THE DAY OF AND THE MONDAY AFTER MY B-DAY OFF.. wHY? SO THAT i COULD I GUESS GO SEE THE CHILD.. I FIGURE THAT IF I WORK MY ASS OFF FOR DECEMBER, AND JANUARY, THEN i WILL BE ABLE TO AFFORD TO RENT A VEHICLE AND A HOTEL ROOM OUT IN COLORADO.. BUT WE SHALL SEE.. i THINK THAT ALL THIS TIME AT WORK IS STARTING TO GET TO ME.. LIKE ALL KINDS.. CANT SEEM TO CONCENTRATE WHILST I'M HERE.. BB CALLED ME LAST NIGHT.. AND SINCE I DIDN'T ANSWER, HE TEXED ME.. I DIDN'T RESPOND BACK.. I KEEP HOPING THAT IT WILL WORK OUT BETWEEN THE BOTH OF US.. I WANT HIM TO ASSERT HIMSELF AND TAKE ME IF HE WANTS ME.. BUT SINCE THATS NOT WHAT HE IS ABOOT, I FIGURE HE DOESN'T DESERVE ME..MY ONLY HOPE IS THAT BY MY B-DAY, SEAN AND I WILL BE A LITTLE CLOSER TO EACH OTHER AND HE WILL GO WITH ME TO COLORADO TO SEE THE CHILD AND THAT WAY I CAN SHOW HIM OFF TO CASEYS' FAMILY.. IT WOULD BE NICE TO BE ABLE TO DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT.. BUT WE SHALL SEE.. I COULDN'T REALLY SHOW BB OFF TO CASEYS' FAMILY, CAUSE CASEY WOULDN'T BELIEVE THAT I COULD BE WITH SUCH AN INTROVERT, AND ACTUALLY BE HAPPY.. BUT I GUESS IT SHOULDN'T BE ABOUT WHAT OTHERS THINK.. HOWEVER, THE LONGER THAT THIS DRAGS ON, THE MORE I SEE THINGS THAT I JUST DONT HAVE THE TIME OR THE PATIENCE TO CHANGE.. SO I WILL LET HIM GO.. I THINK I HAve TRAINED HIM WELL ENOUGHT TO BE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS LOWER STANDARDS THAN I. OKIES.. WELL BACK TO WORK IT IS MY FRIENDS.. BACK TO WORK IT IS!

I don't think it's right..

Sooo.. Its raining here.. which is really rare in this wonderous state.. And what do you do when it rains? You stay indoors and hang out watching tv or movies and fooling around.. So I Called BB and requested his presence to cuddle with me.. Yes I said cuddle.. i couldn't help it.. I think its about that time of the month.. But mores the pity, about that time for BB and I to part ways.. It always ends up like this.. I can't stand it when I feel like cuddling and the guy has no clue what to do.. But whateve.. I will live on.. I feel so sad that its ending.. I think we ae both getting pretty tired of one another.. plus the sex was really shitty tonight.. I mean really shitty sex.. Didn't last long and I didn't even get off. Oh well.. When the sex starts to get bad, thats when its time to kiss the relationship goodbye.. okies.. I'm off to bed.. Hopefully to dream of a sexy, sexy, sex bomb of a guy.. One that I don't have to train and gets me right away.. One that has similar hopes and dreams and ideas to mine.. night!

too friendly?

I think not.. I.. I think that as time wears thin, I tend to get old and really sappy.. Then I have top take a step back and even slap myself for thinking such blasphemous thoughts about my life.. But it will soon all be over.. However.. I don't know if its for the best or if its for the worst..I'd give up just about anything to become beautiful, successful and happy.. I wouldn't mind burning in the fires of hell just to have a beautiful 10 yrs on earth.. everything I've ever wanted, everything i've ever dreamed of.. Instead of being a fat, zit-ridden, bitchy black chick.. IDK.. I'm becoming depressed.. Must be from lack of sex.. Gotta get it like clock work or else I become tempramental.. How lame is that? Sex is just another thing for me to try to accumulate feelings of humanoid emotion from.. eventually, I will be able to go without it.. or not.. whatever.. So that guy didn't call today, or tonight.. perhaps I should be pleased by that.. Cause what would be the point of him calling me if he has nothing to say.. But a text of 'hi, how ya doin' would be nice.. But whateve.. I shouldn't even be thinking about him, I spoke with My seanyboy.. So sexy and talkative on the phone, so quiet and reserved in reality.. But he is a quick one I will tell you that.. God.. its like I'm TRYING to make myself care more about this sean guy than BB.. I'm guessing cause sean is asthetically, everything I'm looking for.. But who knows what he would be like in bed.. and truth be told, If I wasn't already fucking BB,then I probably would have banged him already.. I have a sinking feeling that he is incredibly boring in bed.. just lazy and lame and one of those guys that you lay up-under hoping that they make it quick.. or even just give a half-way decent blow-job to just cause the thought of having sex with him puts you to sleep.. How SAD is that.. Its so fucking typical.. Meet the man of your dreams, and you relize, it is all JUST in your dreams.. and your better off with the homely, poor guy that can at least give you a thrill in the sack.. WHY?!?! I guess, why do I feel as if I need to rush into anything, with, well, anyone.. I mean BB seems content with our arrangement, I don't want to meet his mom or his family and I don't want to be his gurl.. There is so much more.. But since I have such a very hard time "meeting the parents" I figure it would be best if I just keep it where I'm at.. Especially since BB isn't fully trained yet.. Don't worry ladies, He is coming along nicely.. pretty soon he will be at the halfway mark.. Hell I'm impressed that the training is going so well.. I didn't think that it would take for a minute, but.. The subject is a very apt pupil.. Sometimes he even surprises me! But mostly, I'm just waiting for him to catch on to what I'm doing.. But Its for his own good.. cause by the time he realizes whats happening, it will be too late and the habits that he has aquired will ensure that he is snapped up immediately.. and then, I will be thanked, I will be adored and I will have made a great contribution to women kind.. Fuck with him it will make like 3 that I have trained and sent out into the world.. the other 2 are extremely happy.. both married ( to girls with kids by someone else, but they don't seem to mind) and doing well.. I mean they aren't super well off, but they take care of business.. See withthe 1st recruit, I went a little crazy and now all he cares about is his money and dating young girls.. and he is a horrible story teller and braggart.. but... Well hell, I still couldn't even say that he is a catch.. He is my stallion.. when I need verification that a bitch is a hoe/slut/tramp for real, then I have him fuck her.. (which is probably why I will never fuck him again) Then, I cAN talk shit about her taken my leftovers.. no matter how long ago or how much I said it was cool.. it is NEVER cool to fuck the ex of a close friend.. which really sucks, cause sean and brian are close and they are roomies.. so it may not work out well for sean and i anywayz.. but then what does that leave me stuck with.. BOOOOO!!! I mean, I have nothing against BB.. I mean hes funny, intelligent, has great taste in music, and becoming pretty fucking awesome in bed.. But what to do? IDK.. Whateve.. I'm going to sleep.. I wish some guy would tell me that I'm beautiful..

OOOOOPS.. unfinished..

i THINK THAT i MAY HAVE MADE A MISTAKE BY LETTING YOU THINK THAT i AM ANYTHING OTHER THAN A LYING SACK OF SHIT WHO IS ONLY OUT TO MAKE SURE THAT SHE ENDS UP ON TOP.. i LIKE HAVING FRIENDS, i LIKE going out with the girls.. but, I realized that throughout my life, girls come and go, but my boys have always basically been the same..Whatever.. last night I was supposed to go out with the clear girls and i got home and ate, then fell asleep.. oooopsie! I fell asleep while I was eating.. go figure.. must be the kick ass pot that I was smoking earlier.. Now, I went to the movies and I spent the night(friday night) at BBs' house, But so far, I escaped meeting his mom.. Luck seemed to have been on my side.. But I won't let myself be put in that shitty position again.. The sex was horrible( I think he had been drinking)

Trying to find a way..

Out, is like trying to find the center of a tootsie pop.. Pretty pointless after you realize that you can bite it to get to it faster.. But whatever.. I finally have internet at mi casa, so now I will make it a point to come home on a regular basis.. or rather to update at often as possible.. Anyways.. I just got done doing some serious friendly mcfriendster stuff with BB.. On Tuesday, he called me when I was hanging with nesha at the dealership.. He needed a rid cause his car was at the shop.. Okiess.. Then I decided that if that was what was up, I was gonna just see what something felt like.. I just wanted to know what it would feel like to go from his bed to work the next day.. so I stayed at his house that night, so that I could take him to work in the morning and then pick him up after sos he could get his car.. I guess its a good thing we work like 5 miles away from each other.. but anyways.. It was a wonderful night.. the 1st night.. I picked him up( Clear to the rescue!) and then we went to my casa to get sum clothing, and I took a shower, and then we went to get pizza and redbull, had some great sex and then went to sleep.. It was nice to be held for a little bit.. its all I really wanted..Just to be able to fall asleep afterward.. and not have to drive allllllllll the way back to east mesa( damn near queen creek) from the fucking avenues.. It was cool.. but I think that BB and I have a limit to how much time we can spend together.. and that limit is about a day and a half.. So, living together is completely out of the question.. But it was nice to be able to wake up next to him.. But then I was all extra bajiggity about him for the rest of the day at work.. So i didn't get much work done and then I was all bitchy and shit when I went to go pick him up cause he had been on my mind all day and that took time away from me thinking about myself.. Then he told me that this weekend all he wanted to do was skate.. Okies.. That did it for me.. I always get sucked in to thinking that somehow he has switched his priorities.. but then like a bucket of ice water thrown on me right before I cum, I am made to realize that I don't come close to his obsession with trying to break his face.. I'm thinking its cause it doesn't judge him.. anyways.. So I was going to ask him to be my BF.. But then I realized that that was quite possibly a very stupid thing to do.. Cause It just would never work.. There is not enough time in the day for my to go through all the reaONS WHY IT WOULDN'T.. i'M IN AN INCREDIBLY NEGATIVE MOOD RIGHT NOW.. ALL I CAN THINK OF IS HOW COMPLETELY SILLY I FEEL AROUND THESE PEOPLE.. AND THE FACT THAT I THINK THESE CHICK ARE TRYING TO HOLD ME BACK.. BUT i REFUSE TO BE HELD BACK JUST CAUSE THEY CAN'T OR WONT DO IT.. BB IS A DISTRACTION.. *J* IS A DISTRACTION.. BUT SO IS THE REST OF MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY.. i JUST.. yEAH.. i WILL HAVE TO FINISH MY BROODING LATER.. hAPPY THANKSGIVING..

My Night "Hashing" it up..

So Yesterday I went To My boy brians House..( Mainly to see His Roomy(of course) Sean) I took my clear girl Ne-ne with me.. WHY? Cause Brian thought that she was cute and I think, he somehow wanted to holler at her..But We had a blast.. we smoked some pot with a little hashy-bashy over the top( fucked us all up!) and then proceeded to watch football split-screened with guitar hero.. Hmmm.. Didn't get any alone time with sean though.. Brian continued to cock block( like a bitch!) and Ne-ne was so fucking torn back after 2 hits, she went straight to sleep! The most I was able to get from sean was a pat on the ass when we went to go get water for everyone..BOOOOOO!! But it was all good.. I guess. A little friend on friendlier( is that a word) friend time is cool.. Especially when talking aboot my future husband.. That boy makes me want to.. we will stop thinking those dirty thoughts immediately.. I will reserve the whore side for BB at this point in time.. Can't unleash the beast until AFTER the wedding( LOL!!). But Work sucks, and I have been thinking about going all the way and becoming a full fledged PhaRmacist.. Why? Cause out of school, jobs START at about 100k/yr.. NIIIIIICE! Maybe I'm just looking for a reason to continue down this so called path that we call life.. Hell, I enjoy school, why not go back? its not like i have the child to hold me back.. and loans, are just loans.. I'm already in a fuckton of debt, why not make something out of it? okies.. I'm gonna take a shower cause I have been going at it with BB for the past like hour or so, and I have to get up really early to go into work.. So I hope to holla atcha later.. Hopefully by Thanksgiving, the internet on the laptop at the house will be up and running, but my roomy seems to be procrastinating.. fucking chinks!

Stagnant? or Lazy?

So this weekend is supposed to be my girl clears' b-day weekend.. But we are all pretty much broke.. That, and to be sure, I'm pretty much done with the whole 'homegirl' thing. I would rather hang with my guys, cause the majority of them don't cause drama.. I notice that when I hang with the boys, I live a relatively drama free life.. but girls.. they bring all the drama..Anywayz.. So My phone got turned off at somepoint during the night, so now, I have no phone.. But its cool, I mean, I should stay in this weekend anyways, I can clean my place and do laundry and just chill and read.. I wish I had gotten the keys to my sensei's house, I could have chilled out there, by myself, with no body but the kitties to keep me company.. But with no phone, I don't have to worry about getting caught up in some stupid girly shit.. That means by going home tonight, with no phone, they have no way of reaching me.. hehehe.. This way, I can spend some seriously needed me time.. and re-center myself.. It kinda suks, cause it looked like last night would have been a night for BB and I to actually get some serious talking done.. But I decided that I wasn't going to be THAT girl. I didn't want to be on the phone all night 'talking'.. hell, I'm so tired of talking right now, I'm ready for action.. either he will take a hint, or move the fuck on!!! Maybe I'm all antsy cause I'm raggin pretty bad.. or it could be that I'm all amped cause Its only 6:18am and I've had 2 bags of m&ms, and I'm starting on my second doubleshot mocha(20oz).. Yup.. its gonna be one of those days.. I'm outa smokes, I 'm outa money.. The next purchase I make, will be for gas to get to work for the rest of the week next week.. I wonder how the new car will hold up with a full tank of midgrade in her..I know that it would probably take about 2 or 3 tanks before a true difference is seen But, it will all work out, I think one of the injectors is clogged, or that there is something up with 3rd gear.. But Now i'm getting all auto-techy on your punk asses.. sooo.. anyways, I was totally all about selling the mazda, and just sticking with thte blue bullet, but now, I'm feeling pretty fucking greedy and I want to keep both.. no place to put them though.. I'm already half parked in the street.. LAME!! But whatever.. I was really blown away by the texing from BB last night.. I could have made a sceen and had one of those nights, But I seriously decided, that I was gonna tamp down on the drama side, and just refuse to create it.. But I really wanted to rip into him.. and all he said was that he missed me.. MISSED ME?!?!?! OMG! RUS?! Missed me? It was a little wierd having him text me that.. So I figured that he was just being a Jokey McJokester with me so I (of course) wrote back in a smartass manner.. Then it was like he got all snippy with me.. so I asked him if he was being serious, and he aske what about.. I told him about all of it.. he said that he was serious about missing me, but not so serious about being snippy.. I said oh, and that was the end of it.. as a matter of fact, the last text I sent was me telling him to have a safe journey to california(the devil state) and the last I recieved was him saying thank-you and that he will.. I guess we shall see how this goes.. cause unless he finds a way to contact me(which shouldn't be to hard)when he gets back, I won't be talking to him.. But he will be gone all weekend anywayz.. what really bites is that I won't be able to get hold of *j*.. so there will be no spking with the perfect man.. which strangely I'm not as broken up about that as I am about not talking to BB..which is sad..Cause *j* deserves so much more sympathy and thought than I give to him.. But I can't help it.. Maybe its cause I'm already fu*king BB and thats why I feel more of a tendre to him.. That and I have trained him so that I get off like 99% of the time that I'm with him.. But I've become really selfconscience lately in regards to being naked.. IDK.. Just not as comfortable now as I was before.. I feel fat and lumpy and can I just say FAT again? Thats really how I feel.. I noticed that BB was picking up some wieght too.. you can totally tell cause his face is starting to fill out.. It actually looks nicer than the super sallow look he had going on.. If he could stay at the weight that he is now.. it would be perfect.. sexy, sexy,sexy,sexy.. I just want to do such dirty things to that boy.. Okies.. Back on track.. But yeah.. so I figure yet again another quiet weekend at home.. It will be nice to not HAVE to be anywhere.. My roomy was supposed to be putting the new laptop in the room, but its not in their yet.. I hope its in tonight, cause I will go crazy without ANY contact to the outside world.. and since I figure I'm not going anywhere unless I KNOW I have to be there, I figure it would be nice to have some sort of communication.. But whatever is whatever.. I guess I will ask my roomy if she has room for 2 more for her Thanksgiving dinner.. Cause I want sensei to come to.. he lost his shit when He saw the roomi.. But its all good.. I hope I did do something nice and hook those 2 up.. it would be cool to know that I'm responsible for those 2's happiness with each other.. But I'm pretty sure it wouldn't happen.. I Miss BB.. The crazy thing is, when I got that msg, I was all extra super excited, and then I started using my brain.. I had to remember that he is a big fibber, and I think that unless he made it a point to tell me that he was being serious, I wouldn't think to much into the sentimental things he says..Cause I would just assume that he is being sarcastic.. God I hope the Laptop is at the house today!! I wanna do stuff.. Vegitate on the computer and watch movies and such.. Maybe do some reading.. *J* Had called me yesterday, But is that the top bulletin on my list? NOPE.. It should be, but its not! I'm still trying to figure out why that is.. IDK.. I need to have male attention this weekend, not female.. Maybe I should just show up at *j*s' house this weekend..Just to be touched by a guy.. But I'm not all that hellfired and damnationed to do that.. I kinda just want to be curled up under BB watching some movie and eating pizza and drinking beer.. Seriously.. That sounds like a blast right now.. I guess you could say that to me, that would constitue an almost perfect weekend.. I probably should just tell him how I feel.. But feelings are faggots.. and I'm most certainly not a fuc*ing faggot.. or maybe I am.. okies.. off to work with me.. hopefully I will be able to update l8er on tonight..or this weekend..

whats the stitch?

So this weekend I got skrewed by buying a really shitty car.. but what eve.. possibly going to have some sex with BB today, but not really sure if I want to..Since he told me that I was to readily acessable to him, I figure that I should just stop seeing him all together.. That way he can't say stupid shit like that.. How could you be so bored with having sex? I mean, I'm not the prettiest, or the sweeteset, but I try my hardest to be the kinkiest.. My sensie says that I should drop the chump and just focus on what I really want, which is *J* Brians roomy( OMG!! Hes such a lil hottie!) Cause after hanging out over there yet AGAIN on sunday, It was alllllll gravy!! I LOVE that boy! He watches football, smokes pot and is an actual full blown engineer!! How sexy is that!?! Plus, the red hair and Blue eyes.. OMG!! I said Goddamn!! I even got a little kissypoo on the neck last night before I left.. OMG!! I love it!! We hung out a watched football, and Brian work and smoked and drank beer and just had a really chill time.. Then He told Brian to continue working and he would walk me to my car.. How sweet!! I think he thought that I was gonna make out with him.. NOT!! This Clear girl don't roll like that! But he hugged me and asked if I wanted to hang out sometime this week! I was like, Yah bitch Yah!! Of COURSE I will make time for you, ya sexy little stud muffin!! So, I will see whats up with that.. actually, I hope I'm to busy to be able to make time for him.. I don't want to make the same mistake with him as I did with BB.. Ya know, by making myself to available.. I still can't believe he said that!! Maybe he is to pussy to man up to the consistency of sex that I need.. I gotta have it regularly.. But I figure if he is more interested in the hunt for it then the actual act, then, I will allow him to continue his quest for that.. I guess for him, the trill of the hunt IS the best part.. I like the actual ACT.. I'm not knocking the hunt, Just the fact that someone would prefer it over regular booty.. Whateve.. Maybe I should just stop seeing him.. I will, once things get a little more on trak with *j*.. It sucks.. BB totally had me.. Would have done anything for him.. Now he has been delegated to Friend status.. Just like Brian.. I will love him to death as a friend, But will never have sex with him again, or attempt a real relationship.. I guess Its more my fault than any, Cause I wanted him to be the agressor and go after me if thats what he wanted, but I forgot that he is not that type of person.. He would rather take things at face value, then read into them like I as a girl would.. He Knows that I am a complicated creature, but refuses to even try to understand.. I want a guy to spoil me as I spoil him, and in doing that, make my will bend to his.. To make me want what he wants, think how he thinks, so that for the majority of the relationship, we act as 1. I've only got 3 years left.. I can't be wasting my time with retards that don't know what they want from me.. and I'm all out of patience to train someone.. But, I'm awfully glad that I got the opportunity to see what its like to train.. I wish I had more time... But we all wish for fish when we live in the stars.. I love BB, I love Brian, I live *j*.. But I don't feel close enough to either of them to change my plans for the future.. I think I liked it better when I DIDN'T have the clear girls.. cause I spend waaaay more money hanging with them, then with my boys.. I'm trying to work as much as possible, so that I won't be able to hang with them much.. Cause I really don't want to spend money on another selfish and ungrateful broad.. If I wanted to do that, I would take care of the child.. I guess I kinda have to go out with them this weekend since it is clears b-day.. i'm buying 1 round or a bottle for predrinking and thats it.. I figure If I by a bottle and everyone gets a shot, then that will be my drink buying limit.. however, I think that I will tell them that I will meet them whereever they are going to be.. that way I wont get stuck..I'm sure I will end up od my ba this next 2 wks.. but I uess ya gotta do, what ya gotta do.. I gotta get at least 1 of the cars legal.. We shall see how this goes.. so I guess there will be sex tonite with BB.. If for nothing else than to relieve stress..

Why So Sad?

What is it about this life that makes me want to slice my wrists, blow my brains out, or jump off an overpass into the afternoon traffic below?
Why is it that I Like a guy that gives me nothing.. feels as if I take advantage of him and is a self proclaimed introvert? What about this Oh-so Perfect redhead, that I should be all about.. But when you don't answer the phone for one, when you are on the other line with another, it says alot about your priorities.. ALOT.. The redhead hencforth known as 'R' has IT.. I mean, he is attractive, he is tall, he is intelligent, witty, engaging, a definate people person, and he has time to give me the attention that I crave.. cause he gets to work from his fabulous house.. I would have him put on about 15lbs before I'd fuck 'em, but other than that.. But I feel as if I'm forcing the affection, forcing the interest with him.. How is it that this guy could be all that I am seriously looking for, and I'm not interested because the introvert is what I want.. But I'm tired of waiting for the aforesaid introvert to realize( read my mind) that I'm all about him.. just not in a regular way, cause well, I'm not a regular girl..I think that we could totally work it out, but that would require him to grow up, and start taking me seriously.. or not.. Obviously, My life sucks cause I have a crush on a guy that cares nothing about making me happy, even though my whole exhistence is to make him happy.. He even told me that i have ruin sex for him.. why? Cause I have made it to readily axcessable for him.. I guess I should play hard to get.. but herein lies the problem.. I don't want to play games anymore.. I don't have time to play games.. I just want to be in a relationship, with out all the titles.. Or maybe I do want the title.. cause I do want the label, just not the lable of being his girlfriend.. I don't know why it would make me feel wierd to be called his GF, anyone else, and I would demand that the title be known to everyone around the world.. what does it mean when you want to be someones significant other, but not to have the actual title of being that persons significant other? Is it cause I'm ashamed? or Is it cause I want what we have to be special, and with out the lables, it frees us from being IDK, I guess 'labeled'? I care, and I shouldn't, But whats a girl to do? I wish he would just grow some fucking balls and take what he wants from me.. I want him to be all aboot telling me what the next step is.. I need for him to be overbearing and slightly abusive when he tells me that I am his and that he is mine cause its what we both want and then for him to give me the stipulations of how he wants this thing to run.. I'm not a mind reader, and I shouldn't expect for him to be, but its hard not to wish for him to just know instictively what I want and give or take from me accordingly.. I think he realizes that having me as an actual GF would be a lot of work, mentally, and physically.. and Maybe he is just as lazy as I am, and thinks that instead of trying to make it work, it would be easier to give up on the perfection that would be us, and turn to the easiness of bouncing around with something that is less of a fucking challenge.. God Bless Laziness..

a Blast from the past blog... read at your own risk!!

the weekend windup.. why I am chickenshit..


So this weekend went.. well it went sorta weird.. I found myself all extra stressed out about how i felt aboot his davidness.. So yesterday I did something aboot it.. after I got my place, and after he got his oh-so-super new car.. I went to his house, got my severance pop(can you believe he didn't know what that was?)and made sure I didn't leave any of my random shit behind( except for the topping book, my gift to him) and now, I'm changing my phn.. Those of you whom are privledged enough to get the new .. feel special.. causeI don't think i will even give this to my family.. I thinkI kinda need to find a whole new fan base.. I didn't sleep well last night, but what can I say? I am a stupid bitch with WAAAAAY too many skeletons in her closet.. I miss him already.. but real talk.. it wouldn't make any difference what I want, and how I feel has no bearing on the fact that this whole thing was doomed from the start.. I mean, you can't meet someone on the internet and live happily ever after.. it just doesn't work that way.. If you haven't already met the person you are supposed to spend the rest of your life with, then you are doing something completely wrong.. In my defense, however, I've been doomed to live and die alone since I was born.. When your to afraid to take chances cause you know how it most certainly will end up, you tend to run screaming bloody murder in the opposite direction.. no matter how deeply you feel.. I mean I spoke with my wifey aboot these uber weird feelings that I was having.. I told her that I had started acting like those silly cunts, that I have absolutely no patience for.. listening to silly sappy sad love songs, acting all clingy and pissy.. beilieving that no matter what, all things will work out.. then I got a huge dose of reality.. when I saw how I acted on saturday, and then that night being invited over and then feeling completely crushed when I was told to not come over to hang out.. not only that, but just being told that he was going to sleep, and realizing that more than anything, all I wanted to do is be in the same bed, cuddled up.. ok so more disturbing was the thought that I would not have even minded if there was no sex involved.. I knew that is was waaaaaaaay past time for me to put these silly notions of well, silliness to death.. I have to get rid of these super odd feelings permenantly.. so I figured that you can't want something you never, ever see.. Has no bearing on him.. I mean, I know I like him( more than I should) and that even though he is completely immature and my friends don't think he is overly attractive( like I care!) and He is not EVERYthing I'm looking for.. it just feels right.. but feeling right means settling.. and since I am a complete commitmentphobe, I run.. I run fast I run hard and I try not to look back for fear of being sucked back into the monotony of being placed not 1st, but 6th or 7th or 8th on someones list of most important things.. He even told me, you want to have all the girlfriend privledges, only without the title.. But the title just makes it sooo final. then last night( after some great severance pop sex) we talked about me not wanting to live past my 30th b-day.. The more he spoke, the more I realized that I have no talent.. ok I have talent, but no drive to commit to doing something great.. I just wanted to yell at him that Just because he is destined for greatness( if he gets the right support) he can't expect for EVERYBODY to be. Cause if everybody had the option to be super.. no one would be different.. I'm not gonna lie.. I said the (L) word on saturday to my wifey.. she agreed and then proceeded to grill me until.. well until I felt sure that if anything, I should be fair to him and let him go.. Cause who (in their right mind)would want to be with someone as completely fucked-up in the head as I? I mean, I know that as soon as I hit 30.. I'm commiting suicide.. Cause I feel as if there is nothing left after that.. I would never be comfortable being in a true relationship, and I'm not as cool as I make myself out to be. Sabotage is my number 1 pastime when it comes to my relationships, and I'm so clingy and needy, that I give those other bitches who are atleast upfront about how they act, a serious run for thier money.. I figure when you start feeling as if all you want to do is lie in bed with a person for days, and days.. there is seriously something wrong with me.. What a dull exhistence I will lead with out him.. but knowing that I would care more than he, just shows me that I am meant to be alone..Forever.. I am resiliant in my goal of never letting anyone have so much power over me.. if my heart is breaking.. its cause I'm the one breaking it.. if I'm being let down, its cause I'm getting down.. Fuck! Now I am offically depressed and actually crying.. I never fucking do this.. it hurts like I have a hole.. emptyness.. but i don't know why.. Its not like anything was there to begin with.. in closing, I want to apologize to David James Smith for being a shitty cunt bag toward him for the past week.. and i hope that you find what your looking for in your life.. I would still like to be your friend.. but we all know that it never works out that way.


17:03 August 20, 2007

after reading this again.. I realize now, that I should have satyed away.. Now, all i want to do is hold this silly little boy.. I want to help make him a man.. a great man.. help him increase his wealth and health and leave him better off then I found him.. But since, he isn't really all that down with that.. actually no guy is seriously down with that.. What do I do.. My next 3 yrs on this earth is reduced to a waste..

ReaDY?

I think I will hang out with him.. Just to hang out.. I really Like BB.. Too much so.. So much so, That I realize that I NEED to find another person to lavish my attention on, or else.. Or else.. I refuse to give my soul to someone who would do nothing with it.. nothing but disregaurd it in such a way, as to crush me.. I refuse to hand over that power to another person.. There is a small part of me that wants to.. just take a chance it says.. But the logical side screams at me to not be a dumb fucking cunt.. which side do I choose? the quiet, or the loud?

WOW!!

Ok.. so this weekend and this past week was super awesome!! I guess.. Thanks to my sensei, I no longer have to stay @ the house of filth and hang out with the crybaby and watch her and the bird makeout! But whateve.. It was nice of her to allow me to stay with her and I am eternally greatful, but I just can't live in filth.. Or with someone who is to lazy to clean up after themselves.. But what eve.. So after hanging out with brian(and his super sexy roomate) on thursday,I have come to a conclusion.. I have met the manly man of my dreams.. Brians roomy is, is.. OMG!! Fucking HOT!! Fucking SEXY!! and sooooo Next on my list of conquests! I want to do such dirty things to that boy! You don't even understand! Hes like 6'2 and yes he could stand to put on about 15 or 20 lbs, but he has the red hair and blue eyes that I love sooooooooo very much..he is funny, has grrrreat taste in music andhas an actual career.. I may get my heart hurt with this one guys, cause this is what I want, and far be it from me to let myself not get what i want sooo bad.. I may disgrace myself, and I may even be treated unjustly.. But I'm sure it will all be worth it... cause once I fuck him in the ass.. it will be all over.. and I will be triumphant.. GOD BLESS AMERICA!! as for BB.. Well, Ya know.. since I have to prepare myself for the inevitable joining of spirits with the NEW lust of my life, he will have to be let go.. which to be completely honest, is turning out to be easier than I thought it would be.. just needed a force stronger than the one that was keeping me attatched to him, to pull me away.. I feel kinda bad that I will kinda blow him off, but its more for the sanity of both of us.. We had a good run and It will be cool to see if I could be 'JUST FRIEnds' with him.. Or vice versa.. cause Now I have a goal.. a challenge.. and I'm all about him!

over it!!

So I deleted BB's number out of my phnoe.. we will see if he calls..

its been a while...

since i've written anything even remotely good..So.. Basically I will give you an update.. after the wild weekend of which I spent waaaaaay too much money.. I had to stay with the cry baby.. I hardly see her cause I try to stay gone, or be in bed by the time she gets home from work.. But anyways.. had some el sexeoso with BB on the 29th, that was pretty bad by the way, and then I decided that i should try it again, ya know, just to make sure its wasn't me.. so we fooled around again on the 30th, and it again was really awkward and horrible waste of time for me.. I don't know about for him, but I think he senses that soemthing is wrong.. I think its cause I'm getting my rag..cause right before, sometimes all I want to do is cuddle.. Thats why I liked Mr. cuddlepants.. well that, and he had just a beautiful cock.. when it wasn't limp from all the pot he smoked.. but anyways.. so yeah, it was pretty bad.. i didn't even bother trying to fake an orgasm.. BB knew that it wasn't as good as it should have been.. I guess I can't blame the guy for tyring! I mean, he was even ruff with me And a little degrading( which I loooooooved by the way!) But it was still pretty bad.. Yesterday I saw mr. searan.. it was super fun and I looove Brian soo much! That boy is fucking high-lair-i-e-ous!! So We hung out and I didn't even think to call or text BB until I was leaving.. But I resisted the urge to do such things as in call HIM.. Maybey If I can keep myself busy, I won't have to call him ever again.. I do beleive that this is the end of the road for him and I.. But its a more natural one than say us fighting.. But it was cool cause Brians roomy is the red-head that I have had a crush on for like ever!! OMG!! That boy is way to hot to trot! I told brian that I will come to his house just to stare at his roomate on a regular.. Casue I said goddamn!! That Boy is Fucking sexy!! I would do things to him that would make his toes curl and his eyes roll back.. and then kill him with my craziness.. It would be awesome for Brians roomy and I to hook-up.. Just cause, that woud give me an in to the in crowd.. Plus.. I think that he is just as sexy as he wants to be.. By the right toe on NataS's Left foot! I want that boy added to the list I have been in! I'm ready for the change.. Out with the old, In with the new! God I LOOOOOOOOOOOVE Red heads!

crazy shit..

Ok.. so I may have over done it this weekend.By a lot.. I spent money on bitches who would never do the same for me.. had a whack ass time, and Now, I don't even have enough to cover my fucking rent!! Booo!! Now i HAVE to stay with the fucking crybaby until I get paid again.. unless I pawn some shit, like my pda or mydvd player, or my ipod.. and I don't wanna do that! I want to keep my shit.. Then all these stupid human emotions swirlling about my head.. I love BB, I don't.. Hes a Loser, Hes the coolest guy ever.. Ya know, shit like that! and now I have to cope with the crybaby and her ugky bf making out in front of me late at night.. I think, I'm just gonna go to the casa today, and clear some shit out, then blow up the air mattress and they can have the fucking bedroom, cause honestly, that shit is fucking disgusting.. It literally makes me nauseous to watch them make out.. and its not as if i follow them around, its like they make a point of being where I'm at and doing that godawful shit.. I was like HONESTLY!! you fucking people see each outher aT work.. WTF!?! I guess some people just can be around each other, like all the fucking time.. But truly.. it is disgusting.. Hell, I think its bad enough that I massage BB's feet when I go over.. Hell, it was bad enough, that I couldn't keep up with him for the 1st time in like a year whilst having sex!! How shitty do I feel about that? I was put on the injured list becausse this weekend, I apparently fell in a drunkin stuptor and hurt my arm.. all this on top of spending waaay too much money on bitches who can't help me out of the stupid situation I'm in.. for the next 2 fuckling weeks.. I thought I was going to be able to purchase a new car.. thats a negative will roger.. I thought I was going to be able to do some other shit.. Like( and I know this is super gay!) But I wanted to get BB some shoes for the whip for xmas/b-day.. I think he totally deserves them, mabye its all the super sex i have been getting, or it could just be that it would be my parting gift to him.. OMG!! I'm supposed to be hanging out with BRIAN this week!! how fantabulous is that shit?!? I'm so excited, all I can think about is what I'm going to wear, and how to keep it from smelling like the crybabies house.. Hell, I smell like the casa now! It smells like old ciggys and cat piss.. ewwwww!!So most defiantely not the best.. I had a crazy dream last night that just put the clencher for me.. I dreamt that clear totally screwed me over by taking me out and getting me fucking waSTED, AND THEN LEAVING ME AT HER HOUSE TO GO HANDLE SOME BUSINESS, i FINALLY GOT BACK TO MY CAR, AND FOR SOME REASON WENT TO WORK.. AND FOUND OUT THAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE WORKING THAT DAY.. IT WAS WIERD AND I THINK THAT I WILL TAKE HEED OF THE WARNING THAT IS BEING SCREAMED OUT IN MY HEAD AND MY HEART.. CLEAR IS COOL AND ALL, BUT NO MORE OUTTINGS.. FROM NOW ON, I WILL JUST HAVE TO LET THEM KNOW THAT IN ORDER FOR ME TO RECOUP MY LOSSES FOR THIS PAST WEEKEND, I WILL HAVE TO NOT HANG WITH THEM FOR ABOUT 2 OR 3 MONTHS.. THAT WAY I CAN GET CLEAN( FROM ALL THE POT SMOKAGE) AND GET A SECOND JOB.. SO THAT I CAN JUST BE BUSY AT WORK ALL THE FUCKING TIME.. SO YES.. NO MORE 'HANGING' WITH THE CLEAR CROUD.. MUCH TO EXPENSIVE FOR MY TASTES.. bUT i MISS BB SO VERY MUCH.. right now all I want to do is crawl into bed with him and sleep and fuck and eat the day away.. and thats why i know its time for him to go bye-bye.. I'm getting sucked in..

well,well

Now.. How did I NOT see the wealth of bullshit coming? IDK.. Ususally I'm really good at being able to get through this.. or see through more than likely.. I always seem to have that one friend.. that one person whose life is frought with nothing but drama.. if its not one thing than its another.. Maybe I'm a bda friend for not wanting to be drawn into it.. or maybe, I think that its her own stupid ass fault for making stupid choices and decisions.. She tells me that the condom broke, like what? last night, and that she needs to go to the store.. I'm all like, for what? all you can do now is douche.. she says that she doesn't have douche.. I figure, well.. instaed of spending money on a preger test that aint gonna tell you shit this soon, vesus something that potentially can nip it in the bud anywayz.. but i think she just wants to be.. so all I will tell her tonite is that if she is, then get an abortion or have it.. thats the only choices that she has.. If she doesn't want to get rid of it, then she will be set, since supposedly the guy is like set for life from some accident that he had.. her monentary problems will pretty much be over, cause she will have a place to stay with him.. DUH!! but she is young and dumb and apprently full of cum( hahahahaha) and n0w its just all worry and cry.. EVERY TIME I go over to her house, There is always something for her to fucking cry about..ALWAYS!! if you ask me, if she is knocked up, then its not the guy that she has been fucking recently.. its her ex-bf.. IDK if that would make her really stupid for not knowing, or incredibly smart for hiding it and choosing a better person to pass it off to.. Fucking brilliant.. Oh yeah.. had some great el sexeoso with BB last night.. I FINALLY got him to agree to a safe word.. which means that we could actually get really fucking ruff in the sack! Hurrah!! Hurrah!! I love it! I really do! Finally!! It means I may actually get fucked the way I want... IWOULD LIKE TO COME INTO WORK THE NEXT DAY LOOKING LIKE i GOT INTO A FIGHT@!! How SICK would that be? OMG!! Clear would be sooooo jealous.. like 'what happend to you?" oh nothing..just had some fantastic sex last nigt! "well whats with the black eyes and the swollen jaw?" I told you.. Freaking AWESOME sex last night! RAPE!!! How super is that.. so after hanging out last night, all I felt like doing was cuddling( GAAAAAAAAGGG!!) and then It was insunuated that I could saty the night.. But I declined that offer.. It was insinuated that I wouldn't even have to meet mom, cause we would be in bed before she got home, and leave before she would even think about waking up.. then, I could have slept in the bed with him and snuggled and ...OMG!! EWWWWWWWW how disgusting do I sound right now.. Now.. I can't believe that i felt that way, but at that time, thats all I wanted to do.. I realize that i have to stop seeing this guy immediately, or else I'm gonna turn into one of those horrible girls who has a boyfriend and crys over stupid shit, and wants to do more than just have sex with him.. which we have all learned when you try to do more than just have sex with them, shit gets complicated.. I love that at this point and time, I have pretty much nothing to worry about except for making sure i get it on a regular basis.. other than tha.. I s=could seriously give a fuck.. I'm even thinking about aquireing another guy to have sex with, JUST so I DONT get to attatched.. I can't help but to like the guy.. hes.. hes.. just so goddamn sexy to me! I don't know why, but thats how I feel.. I can't seem to keep my clothes on when around him. .hell i can't seem to keep my hands off his cock when we are together.. that last 2 times he has fucked me into exhaustion.. I mean, I don't actually get any sleep until i see him, and then, BOOOM!! after we are dun, I just want to lay in bed with him and fall the fuck asleep.. Yes and some times I want to snuggle, but thank Natas.. its usually way to fucking hot for that shit.. Well... I guess its a good thing that he DOESN"T read my blogs, cause all it would do is make is already gynormous head even bigger!! I guess I can be nice to him and tell him that I do really like him and shit.. but that would complicate things.. and All I want is to have fun.. Plus, keeping him at arms lenght is best for the both of us... cause, I've only got like 3yrs left to live..

another horror-scope!

Not everything can be black and white. Would you even want the situation to be so clear cut? Learning to be comfortable in the gray areas is what a relationship is all about. Breathe through this.

Your Horoscope
PISCES
February 19-March 20
Daily Extended: October 23, 2007


Today your focus should turn toward examining how you react to things that are beyond your control. A lot of unpredictable energy is swarming around you right now, sending confusing signals to the people you love. Something may happen that you can't influence -- instead of feeling powerless or frustrated, take advantage of the situation and steer it in a direction that's better for you and your people. You do have some power in this situation -- use it.

can you believe this shit?!?

Your Horoscope
PISCES
February 19-March 20
Daily Extended: October 20, 2007


If you think you can fake your way through an intimidating situation today, think again! You cannot bluff your way to the top right now, so don't even try. It's wisest if you just admit to any anxieties or insecurities you might have right up front, today. If you let everyone involved know that you're feeling like a fish out of water, they'll respect you for it. A key mark of your intellect is that you know when you don't know something -- and you're ready to admit it


But yet and still I am constantly told that I am seriously cocky and that if shit doesn't go my way, then its going my way.. I have been told that one of my flaws is that I don't know when to give up! But that one of my strenghts is that I don't know when to give up.. I guess we will see how this all turns out! Now, I want sex this weekend.. but am I going to get it? probably not.. but, I guess beggars can't be chosers.. plus I'm supposed to have a date with the big man on sunday.. we will se how that goes..

Satisfaction, Frustration, all everything in between!

So.. I had Like the BEST time with BB lastnight.. So Hot, So sexxxxy.. So very much better than of late.. Had I known that all it took for him to give me great sex was a sugarfree redbull and a $5 pizza from little ceasers, I would have done this crap a looooooooooooooong time ago.. It was Awesome just to 'hang' with him agian anyways.. and I was nice and actually told him! I think That may have swelled his head just a little though.. But I t was! I MISSED JUST BEING CHILL WITH HIM, INSTEAD OF HAVING BAD SEX AND ARGUING OVER STUPID SH*T.. OH YES I WILL TALK IT, AND I PUSH, PUSH, PUSH, TO TRY TO GET SOME SORT OF REACTION OUT OF HIM.. YA KNOW, JUST CAUSE I LOVE TO SEE HIM ALL PISSED OFF AND WHATEVER.. WHY? CAUSE IT MAKES THE sex soooooooo very much better.. so I thought.. Now I know that pizza and red bull is the way to go!I guess after now, i will just have to keep that sh*t in my car!! OMG!! It was absolutely Fantastic!! Watch.. Now he is going to never call me and/or ignore me and I will have to next him.. NEXT!! I mean, that will happen eventually ayways, if nothing else for the simple fact than he wants to breed at somepoint.. ewwwww! So I told him that I was pretty much just grroming him for his future GF( which we all know will turn out to be his long time H.S. friend).. But I also told him that he is to immature to have a GF at this time in his life.. since all he wants to do is skate.. not many girls are down for being put on the back burner for something like that.. especially when he isn't really making any money off of it.. But that is what I pretty much told him.. IDK.. I told him that if a girl is looking to be with a guy, it won'tbe about how much money he makes or what kind of car that he drives.. it will be about how well he can see her true self.. ok maybe I didn't tell him all that, but I should have.. I just didn't want him to take it the wrong way and think I was trying to 'hook-up' with him in that way.. But I did realize last night, that I am missing an earring.. it never fails!! I just cannot wear earrings and have sex with him.. I ALWAYS lose one.. I just hope it doesn't turn up on his couch and his mom finds it and is all like "whats this?" that would be uncomfortable.. But The SEX!! It was fabulous.. I've got this picture of us, and the way he looked in the picture, just reminds me of what we did immediately after taking it.. So f*ing sexxy! I swear to nataS! If he hadn't been a dick to me that one time, then I would be more than happy to traverse down the happy hardcore road of monagamy with him.. But after the surepstious convo last night, I realize that no matter how f*ing AWESOME the sex is, it just wouldn't go anywhere with us.. OMG!! He is such a little hottie to me! I don't even understand why! When I'm around him, I can't seem to keep my hands off him.. I just want to touch, to feel, to taste, to be a dirty little slut with him.. Much dirtier than I do believe he could ever f*ing imagine.. I figure that if he thinks that this is the culmination of my kinkiness, he has alot to learn about me.. It was wierd, he wasn't overly ruff with me last nioght( like i would have wanted him to be) But it was just so deliciously sexy, to be just 'sorta' nuaghty.. I think that the whole thing about him living with mom kinda turns me on too.. Wierd and a little Lame I know, But it was like being in H.S. and coming home after school to have sex before the parents got home.. I guess I like it so much cause I never really got a chance to be in the situation.. so I think thats why it doesn't bother me over much.. I mean.. I just know that I gotta be more careful with this guy.. Cause he is an incredibly astute student.. or for those of you who don't do vocabulary words, a qick and thourough learner.. I just keep looking at the pictures going Ahhhhh.. How cute are we.. and then I have to shake myself and remember that he acted a damn fool once with me, and I refuse to be put in that position EVER again.. Okies people, no mas WRITTING NOW.. GOTS OTHER STUFF TO DO..

How I really feel..

I do not care about what car you drive, or where you live. Or even If you know someone who knows someone who knows someone. If your clothes are this years cutting edge. If your trust fund is unlimited. if you are A-list, B-list, or never heard of you list. I only care about the words that flutter from your mind.They are the only thing you truly own. the only thing I will truly remember you by. I will not fall in love with your bones and skin. I will not fall in love with the places you have been. I will not fall in love with any thing but the words that flutter from you extraordinary mind..


That shit is deep isn't it? God.. sometimes.. Its just ah-ma-zing what our minds can come up with..
But moving on to pertinent stuff. My presence has been request para manana for some el sexeoso! Hurrah! I'm gonna get Laid!! In an actual bed! Hopefully we make it that far into the humble abode!HEHEHE! But now I'm all extra excited about getting some booty.. but not so much about having to shave n shit.. Booooooo! But the things you do for good ass.. just everyone mainate on that.. Think of all the stupid and or retarded shit that you have done( or even are willing to do) just for a great lay.. I was talking to my girl clear tonight cause we were hanging out being MySpace whores and we got to talking about our ultimate fantasies.. Hers, Very cut and dried.. she has the whole rape fantasy.. Mine.. A bit more complex than that.. It starts by watching '2girls 1cup!' video, and ends with me having enough game to get 2 very heterosexual guys to do some seriously kinky shit.. and not just with me, but with each other..OMG!! Its so hot.. Maybe I will tell you crazy people who read my LAME blogs all aboot it one day.. But I said Goddamm!! Its enough to make me want to hang around in this world until i'm able to achieve that particular goal of making that happen! But then again.. it may not have any business being anywhere but inside my head.. For my own personal viewing pleasure! but its always the same 2 guys.. Always.. I Don't know what it is about me and having these 2 particular guys together.. But when I dream of one, the other inevitably shows up.. Maybe I think that if I could put the 2 of them together they would make the perfect guy for me.. Maybe I'm lying to myself right now and I am just a kinky Bitch who just wants to rule these mutha fuckas with an iron fist..Or... It could just be the eyes.. I'm thinking that its a bit of all.. So, Now I've got to go shave and shit in preparation to getting 'Banged out' by BB tomorrow.. directly(post haste) after work.. I wonder if I should just be a big slut and where a dress tomorrow.. hmmm.. maybe I should bring rope too! ummmm I think that that would be a little much for him, he would probably think i'd be trying to screw him over again instead of thinking that I was just being my normal kinky,dirty,slutty self.. I wanna be tied up!! OMG!! that sounds like a blast! So folks and folkettes, I will holl atcha tomorrow! This means i'm going to be thinking about having Sex with him ALLLLLLLLLLL Day.. I mean not really all that different from any other time, but at least I KNOW I'm gonna get it come the end of the day, instead of just going home to think about it some more! Hurrah for SEX!! I'm out!

the horror-scope!

Your Horoscope
PISCES
February 19-March 20
Daily Extended: October 17, 2007


The problem with being too philosophical is that it can be easy to get caught up in your own thoughts. Think too much about people's motivations and societal complications right now, and you will get overwhelmed by the sheer scope of things. Instead, turn your philosophical scope down to a pinpoint of light, and let it illuminate your personal life. For now, just focus on the people in your life and what they're thinking about. That will make you feel like you can make a difference.


all I can say about this is oooooooookaay.. so I haven't written a post in a while cause, well I havent had much to really write aboot.. Ok thats a total fabrication and we all know it.. I think that its cause I have sooo much to say aaalll of the time..I realized that i can literally talk from the time i wake up, and on into the night.. with the occasional smoke, food, and drink break.. I would say potty break, but I LIKE having some one to talk to even when I'm on the toilet.. Especially when I'm going #2.. I don't even know WHY I talk so much.. Does anyone have an idea? Cause I would really like to know.. Maybe I should stop smoking so that I can continue to do so with out sounding like a DUDE.. But ok yesterday was alright.. like i worked and it was a pretty productive day at work, and then I went to the crybabies house to hang with her since the J-O-B is nolonger on and crackin.. so.. we hung out and drank sangria and mudslides and then jb hung out too! we did a little shopping, and this chik is bit*hing about not being able to make rent and then goes out an purchases another fu*king sweater that she doesn't need cause she has like 3 others that look exactly like it instead of just sticking with the pants that she needs to purchase for her new job.. I could see if she did this with say an item costing oh 5 to 6 dollars, but this sweater would have put enough gas in her car for a week or have made a sigificant difference in paying her rent.. ok i may be exaggerating, the sweater was like $12.99 and she bout pants for like $9.99 and then some random chonies for like $2 a piece..She was able to get this cause she had credit for returning some items at the store we were at.. But when she went to pay, she didn't have as much in credit as she thought she did, and ended up spending like $30.. I didn't have money to spend, but I bought a shirt for work for like $7 and a pair of man chonies to sleep in.. and I don't mean boxers.. hehehe.. for like $2.00.. oh-yes.. and I bought some much needed earings for myself, ya know, so I can look like a girl.. Now I understand this whole thing of her saying that after all she has gone through, she needed to splurge a little and do something to make herself happy.. I do understand and realize that shop therapy is one of the was for stressed out divas to releive that stress.. However.. I would NOT waste money on a sweater in which I already have several that look like it, over paying my rent!!! I would blow rent money on shoes..YES ON SHOES>> But i will be damned if it would be something else!! I wouldn't even buy alcohol or smokes.. I would just have to do with out.. But I can never do without shoes!! and the crazy part about it is that I found a pair that I really liked, but I just wasn't in the mood to have them.. Hmmmm.. ok maybe I didn't like them THAT much.. I mean it would take a pretty Snazzy pair of shoes to make me spend rent or gas money on them.. actually I was trying to look for those old skool socks that have the 3stripes on the top.. but i swear the only thing close to those that I can find, are the soccer socks.. and those are like $10/ pair!! No sirrah.. I will not be getting those.. I wish somebody could find where those socks are at and just get them for me! cause DAMMIT I want at least 1 pair.. I want them to be either black or red.. or blue.. or ooohhh!! even yellow!! OMG!! I would love to have some PURPLE oNES!! but since it is so very hard to find those stupid fucking socks, I'm sure purple is out of the question.. soooo holloween is coming up.. my most favorite holiday!! You know what I want to do.. I want to go to the fair and see alice cooper, I want to have sex at the fair while alice cooper is playing.. I want to do it in an extremley public place, and then, I want to go to an Indian burial ground and do it on a fresh dug grave at like 2 in the morning.. ahhhh!! OMG!! that sounds like so much fun! Either that or go to a haunted house and get lost and end up fooling around somewhere inside.. U-G-H!! That sounds like heaven.. ok I lied heaven would be finding some 'X' and then going to do all of this rolling my ass off!! So fucking fun!!! But alas.. I have nobody to do such wonderfully evil and derelect things with.. I want to get all dreesed up like a nun, but have nothing on underneath.. i think that would be super HOT!! But it probably wont happen.. Que Lastimo!!! So I figured that this weekend I will probably just hang around my house and redo my hair.. well some of my hair, Hopefully, I will be getting some ass if not within this week, then most defiantely this weekend.. plus, I have ot going on at work on saturday, and i have to be at work at 6am.. bright and shiny and with a smiley happy face on, so apparently, no late night on friday either.. BOOOOOOO!! But its probably for the best.. ot is always a good thing.. this way, the check I'm going to have to get my new car with will be substantial.. hopefully I can get waaaaaaay more hours that I got the last time I did ot.. like at least 4more, but i don't think that they will have 12hrs of work for me to do..But it would be nice.. I think that I should get some ass this evening, but I know its not going to happen.. my phone just died and DADDY had just told me that he was sending me some sexy picts of his sexy ass.. Oh B-O-Y!! Now, I have to wait until I get home and charge my phone to see them, if I am able to recieve them at all! BOOOOOOO!! I cant even call that one guy to ask him for sex immediately after work today.. that makes me super sad in my happiest place.. which makes it not my happiest place at all anymore.. SEX!! SEx!! SEX!! SEX!! SEX!! Thats what I want.. the dirty kind that you have when you go all slutfest on folks and leave them breathless and gagging for more.. ya know.. not your everday run of the mill, ass smackina and face slapping.. but ruff, nail gouges and bite marks that draw blood, pulling out clumps of hair and being so loud, that Natas himself stops to take a gander at whats going on.. I want to howl in pain and in pleasure at a touch, I want to be made to beg for more, I want to be used, no questions, just fucked so hard, that my pussy bleeds! I want my asshole to be ravaged and i want to be washing the cum out of my hair for weeks afterward! OMG!! I'm getting myself all super hot and bothered by just thinking about the carnage.. I want it so ruff, that when we are done, and we look at each other, we see blood splattered all over both our faces.. OMG!! I just want to be raped! this is torture! Not having available acess to someone who can just let go and do it the way I need it done.. BOOOOOOO!! Fuck this.. I'm only gonna make myself upset and angry if i keep thinking about it.. I gotta talk to my sensei.. I haven't heard from him since this weekend.. I want to go to a rave and hang out.. I want a massage, I want... I want.. I want... By NataS's right thumb! I want it all!!

What a beautiful weekend!!!

Yes Folks! It was beautiful!! I got my license and insurance for tha whip! got my phn back on and hung out with my sensei.. hung out with the clear girl, and did some dirt! Usually, i keep my life as an open book.. but as of now, i have a dirty little secret.. and I'm not telling.. ok so i am totally telling.. but in a way.. in other words, *names* may be changed to protect the crybabies!

Ok.. so friday night, I was supposed to hang with the *clear* girl.. I was feeling good, cause I was all legal and stuff and wanted to go out and do something.. well I called my sensei and he wasn't up to nuthing, so i figured that I would hang out with him until the Clear girl was ready to meet up.. Well, then *BB* was msging me online saying that he wanted to hang out.. and all I could think of was BINGO! Now BB is a guy who pretty much ripped my heart out and stomped on it at one point, and as that I am a Vindictive B*tch, I HAD to get him back! So I asked.. Do you want to meet somewhere, or did you want to come out to my house.. He said that he wanted to drive from wherever he was out to my house.. so I was like..EVEN BETTER!Now dont get me wrong folks.. I love love LOVE sex! but one thing thats better than sex? REVENGE!! It is so much sweeter.. plus, as all of my friends said (and even what he said), he should have seen it coming.. so, i made him drive allllllllllll the way out to my house( actually, as I said, he CHOSE to drive out there) and then I was planning on not being there and being all like SUcKA!! But he showed up before I had left.. no prob.. i just told him that I would follow him to the place of his choosing to go fool around at.. well first i ask if he was hungry, cause i was starving, he said no, so I was like, where do you want to do this at.. He (as usual) sd that he didn't know..( I loathe indecisiveness in guys.. it shows weakness)so thats when i told him i would just follow him, cause i had shit to do after and i was sure it wasn't going to take long.. So I followed him out and for a moment, i thought.. this is wrong! i shouldn't do this, I ACTUALLY LIKE THIS GUY.. and then i heard those awful words that he had said to me when i thought everything was everything between us, and was like this bastard totally deserves it! so, he went through the light at the freeway, I went left and got on the freeway and was OUT! went to my sensei's house and chilled out with him.. we went and ate and stuff, all the while.. BB was texting me and calling me.. all i could say to him was.. it sucks doesnt it.. then he was like what? I said, being shafted.. he got all mad and sad and then got drunk and called me alternately yelling, and whining about what had happend.. it was incredibly entertaining.. he told me that if he saw me at that point in time, he would kill me.. not just kill me, but kill-fu*k me.. now i have now idea what that is, but I was hoping that it meant some kind of incredible se* act.. he kept repeating that he wanted to see me in person and if we could go and have breakfast later on that morning( remember it was like 3am)i told him that i wasn't coming out to wherever he waS and i was busy the whole day.. then came the whining.. finally i told him that i was going to be awake in a couple hours, and that if he wanted to go eat, he would have to answer his phone when i called.. i called after i had woken up( like 3hrs later) and no answer.. so being the 'nice' person that i am, i called agian and he aswered.. we decided to meet at dennys and eat.. we did and we talked and ate and smoked and then, he grebbed me by my hair and told me to get in his car..( so fuc*ing HOT!) i had to play the R-U-Serious card( gotta be a good girl) and he told me yes.. he was serious.. got i luv it when a man takes charge! we did and he drove behind a building somewhere and then we fuc*ed in his car in broad daylight.. it wasn't the best, and it felt kinda funny doing that, but whateve! It was hot and it was much needed! Was far from the best, and closer to the worst, but as i said, much needed.. Then we left and went to do our respective things, and there was no contact.. I didn't think that there was going to be much more contact after that cause we just kinda smoked and then drifted back to our respective cars.. no goodbye or anything.. but surprise, surprise, lo and be hold sunday early evening, i get a text that asks me if i would like to go play pool.. of course i said yes.. pool is super fun and relaxing.. he said meet me in an hour, i said meet him in 2.. then i said i would just call him when i got hm.. he said ok.. i was out trolling for booty with clear, so, i wasn't really in a super big hurry to get home.. but since it was sunday, and she likes cho-lows, we couldn't find anything.. so we called it a night and she dropped me off.. i called him and asked if he wanted to come out to my house or if he just wanted to meet up.. he said meet up(smart boy!)so we did(he also asked if i was just going to stand him up, and i told him that as far as i see, we were even)we played pool, and he whooped up on me once or twice.. but only cause i was not on my a-game..and finally i won by default.. i decided to cut my losses and we headed out to the parkinglot, cause i got some new music, and wanted him to hear it.. so we listened and then he started fooling around with me.. of course we had to take it elsewhere,so we found a good place aNd got it on!! Basically I have finally deviginiezed my car! it was hot, it was sexy and boy was it good.. Soo.. i told him that he will just have to be my dirty little secret from NOW ON, CAUSE IT MAKES ME LOOK BAD TO continue to fool around with someone that acted thusly toward me.. he rolled his eyes a little and made such a disbelieveing noise.. but its true! I always say never go back.. but IDK, I need regular booty.. So now i'm at work, tired and worn out, trying to hide the bite marks on my ARMS! don't get me wrong, i love the ruffness, but OMG!! I did NOT want to get out of bed this morning!! I can't seem to wake up and i'm in such a fog! But i can't help but to keep a smile on my face! I'm guessing its cause i finally got some booty!! Hopefully, now I won't lose my job cause i'm getting it on a regular basis.. But I told him, I swear on Natass' pinky toe, that if he ever fu*ks me over like that again, i would kill him.. no really, I would seriously get him caught up in some crazy bull sh*t and then, have his scrawny a*S KILLED.. I'd like to watch to.. but now, i'm just getting a little to caught up in this.. as I told him.. i may LOOOOOOOOOOVE sex, but NOTHING is as sweet as REVENGE!! But for now, we will just enjoy the company of each other, it makes me happy cause now I'm ready to go party and hang and stuff, and I can totally troll for more booty.. So excited! I like em, but Once bitten, twice shy..

Tonight.. Rape!!

So I was thinking about what I wanted to do tonight.. and since all of my friends are otherwise occupied, i guess it will be another friday night spent all alone at mi casa, getting smashed by myself.. BOOOOOOOOO! see this is the part where i really start missing david.. I'm paid and ready to go hang out and drink til i can't feel feelings anymore then get royally super fucked.. maybe i could drink so much i wouldn't even know how bad the sex would be.. in that case, I would totally call josh, but then there is that whole thing of me not having a phone cause i want to get a new car.. But i've looked and looked on craigslist, and I see no cars that are in my price range that are worth purchasing.. maybe like 1 or 2, but.. they don't hit me as being something i truly WANT.. so I figured that I will just get my license back.. so that way i will at least be legal.. going to do that stuff ASAP after work.. luckily, it should only cost me like $300 to do it, but i guess we will see.. the crazy part is that after i have my license, then it will open up all sorts of possibilities for vehicles for me! Heck, i may even be able to just keep my blue bullet and get tags and such for it, instead of getting a new car.. i think that thats what I'm gonna do.. bUT THAT DOESN'T DISCOUNT THE FACT THAT TONIGHT I WANN GO DO BAD THINGS, AND I HAVE NOBODY TO GO DO BAD THINGS WITH! WHAT TO DO? WHAT TO DO? SO I GUESS MR.SMITH TAKES EXCEPTION TO THE FACT THAT I MAKE PRIVATE MATTERS PUBLIC.. BUT ITS NOT AS IF HE IS THE ONE THAT HAS BEEN PUT ON BLAST WITH THIS WHOLE THING.. I MEAN, I'M THE ONE THAT LOOKS LIKE A CHUMP CAUSE I'M THE ONE WHO DECIDED TO CATCH A CASE OF THE 'I REALLY LIKE YOUS' I'M THE ONE THAT GOT LEFT LOOKING STUPID AND DUMB.. SO WHY SHOULD HE BE OUT OF SORTS FOR IT? I GUESS IT DOESN'T MATTER CAUSE WELL, WE ALL KNOW THAT WHATEVER I WANT, I WON'T GET.. UNFORTUNATELY THE THING I WANTED MOST WAS DENIED AND NOW, NOW I HAVE TO LOOK ELSEWHERE FOR MY BOOTY.. AND BOY DO I WANT ASS. TODAY I GOT ALL DRESSED UP IN SOME REALLY NICE, TIGHT JEANS, AND A CUTE LITTLE SHIRT( APPARENTLY I WAS TOLD THAT I LOOK LIKE A HOT SK8ER CHICK TODAY!) AND I DID MY BRAIDS ALL CUTE AND WAVY AND FOR WHAT TO COME TO WORK AND THEN TO GO HOME? HOW LAME IS THAT SHIT?!?! BUT ITS FRIDAY.. MAYBE I WILL BE LUCKY ENOUGH TO MEET SOME RANDOM HOT GUY AT THE BANK , OR AT THE DMV OR AT THE MESA COURT.. WE SHALL SEE I GUESS.. UGHH! HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO FIND A GUY THAT CAN FUCK ME GOOD! THIS IS LIKE THE LAMEST THING EVER.. SO TONITE.. I GUESS I WILL BE DRUNK GIRL, AT HOME, BY MYSELF, ALL ALONE, AND HORNEY.. I DON'T THINK I CAN DO THAT AGAIN! I NEED ENTERTAINMENT! I NEED ADULT ENTERTAINMENT.. ANY ONE WANT TO HANG WITH DANIELLE? PLEASE? ANYONE?

so after the fact..

I told the fucking crybaby that it was a bad ideaand she accepted it.. i guess she was thinking that we were somehow preserving our friendship.. OK.. I keep thinking about making an offer to the loser who plagues my thoughts at this time..he is a pox on my brain i tell you, A POX! but ya know..whateve.. i know that if i was to give in, it would just frustrate me more.. so, i will just bide my time until i find another delightful distraction for the moment.. hopefully it will be as delightful as he was.. i pray even more so.. I have been seriously thinking about propositioning Brian.. Mainly cause.. well.. Hes got a big ole dick and i just need to be stuffed at this time.. i figue that i would already know what i would be getting myself into.. cause we have been down that road before.. so i would just make it a point to realize that i would have to do all the work.. so that brings me back to the fact that since I am not lazy in the sack, then niether should my partner be.. but ya know.. right now.. i might even call up that josh guy.. even though it was completely horrible!! Just for the simplicity of being filled.. I just wwant to be snatched up, and handleed roughly.. fucked like a dirty slut in all holes and then left immedialty afterward to digest on how good and proper i was fucked.. i want more than one guy at a time and i want... i want to be fucked.. hoew else can i say it, beg for it, pleading for someone game enough for a night of true debauchery to step up to the plate.. someone not afraid to take as well as give.. someone to make me forget about everyother person or thing that i've had previously.. someone to dominate all my senses.. someone to bend me over backward.. someone to test my limits, someone to wear my fucking pussy out! Someone who can fuck me until I bleed.. someone... anyone.. now, I'm going to go take a looooong lesuirly bath and play with myself.. maybe i will see if i can fit my fist in my pussy this time.. ..naw.. i'll just stick with my toy.. By Satans right ear.. I miss my Seanathon!! Goddamn.. that muthafuka still to this day, has no equal..

I have no Patience

for simpering young twats who don't know jack shit about jack shit! Who smokes all of my ciggys and is constantly complaining about money, but not really doing anything about it.. who don't clean up after themselves( cause they are tired from working thire 2 mall jobs, but seem to be able to find the time to have sex with the rebound guy.. if not able to do some damn dishes!)That i'm pretty sure I would be taking advantage of her good nature if i moved with her, and since she can barely afford what she has now.. she couldn't afford to upgrade to a 2bdrm.. sooo.. in that sense.. i could see the fights and arguments and the crying.. OMG!!! the Fucking crying.. She is super sensitive about like EVERY-FuCKING -THING!! its dreary!! however, I could just be feeling extremely uncharitable right now just because she gets ass, and I'm stuck re-reading old paragraphs of somebody whom I know that if sex was tried for again, wouldn't ba as good as it was written.. Its never as good as it is written.. just like the movie is never as good as the book.. But even mediocre dick is more appreciated to this pissed off and angry state of mind that I'm in.. I know its cause I'm not getting any.. I'm pretty sure of that shit..Maybe I should just recant and say ..'hey guy! Yes, lets have some sex" but I can't just do it once.. and i couldn't just do it twice! and I couldn't be one of those every once in a while things.. i would have to have it every weekend like fucking clock work.. and since that would cut into his 'I feel the need to go try and break a bone in my body' time.. and since i would be put as a distant 2nd to bullshit, it would just piss me off and frustrate me more.. So what is a girl to do in this situation? I mean, to be honest, I DON'T really like him all that much.. its just that he is available and something to ease the stress after a hard week.. like a nice glass of scotch.. I mean its something you like to do, something you could do with out, but something that you would rather not have to do with out.. Does any of this shit makes sense? I already know what i'm gonna do in the instance of the crybaby.. i will make rediculous demands of her that she won't be able to handle, there by ultimately desroying what friendship we COULD have had.. cause I know, that as soon as she is out of this place.. she will be pretty much gone from my mind.. even if the phone was turned back on.. the callprobably wouldn't be answered.. plus since i drink( cause I am of age) and I like to occasionally smoke the funky smelling tobacco(and she doesnt) I'm pretty sure that it just wouldn't work out.. did I mention that she is fucking dirty? its white trash hell in that house.. and I just can't live in a place that smells, or looks like the outside of a trailer( or the inside depending on where you come from) And I don't like to share.. I don't ! and i could see her bumming from me all the time, eating my food, taking my stuff, letting her unsavory sounding ex, into the house to let him rifle thru my shit whilst shes not looking.. and them him moving back in to mooch.. I said DRAMA!! just like the whole of last night! I didn't care to meet those fucking people she JUST had to have me meet! I didn't want to "hang" at PV Mall with a bunch of underage fucktards! I didn't want to have to spend my last monies so that her and her equally retarded friend could smoke up all my shit! hell she went and got 2 fucking packs this morning.. why couldn't she have done thaT shit last night? IDK? I just wanted to look at cars! thats it!! she had to go find out that some friend she hasn't talk to in like a bajillion years shot himself.. shes bawling, and all i can ask is why the fuck me? why the fuck does this shit gotta be tonite? then her fucktarded friend, loses her wallet with all her shit in it and i tell her what to do.. she cancels her shit anyways! I just don't understand these chicks.. but it doesn't matter.. I figure that i will just have to tell her at lunch today that i made an error in this offer, and that its just not a good idea.. I will play the 'don't wanna fuck up our friendship' card, and also the ' it would be more cost effective for you' card.. cause i don't want to live with ANOTHER lame girly girl whom i would have no patience for.. By Satans eyeteeh.. I need to get laid.. Before i seriously hurt someone..or myself..SEX!! SEX!! SEX!! SEX!! SEX!! SEX!!! SEX!!!