Thats it! I am truly in Love!

Or lust.. BUT I LOVE JUSTIN.. TIMBERLAKE THAT IS. HE IS EVEN HOTTER WITH A SCARE ON HIS FACE LIKE IN THE MOVIE 'SOUTHLAND TALES' SO COMPLETELY SEXY AND VIOLENT AT THE SAME TIME. I LOVE HIM!

The guy is

He is like a brilliantly positioned lamp, which is the way a man shld be. Ive been out with enough saws and hammers, trying 2 shape the world into what it already is.

I am a..

A hopeless romantic that realizes that romance is hopeless.

Im so afraid

Of settling, that i have my expectations set incredibly high. Pen wants 2 fill the blank space that 'he'left behind, but i just cant let him. I only want 'him' or so i tell myself. But i kno im just lying. Ida want 'him' anymore than i do Pen. Why?

Update!!

I quit my high paying job(snicker) to take one that makes me less money, more hours, and shit i pay more rent. Why? Why not.. Maybe im afraid of success. Or i cld just be a big loser as i called him. Maybe thats why he dont like me. He nos ima liar

I just need 2 be wanted.

I just want them 2 want me. I guess i care about those guys yeah, but not more than myself. I wld never give myself wholly 2 either of them. David got tired of it and Pen will eventually. I expect all of them but give nutin in return. Why?

Is this what I'm looking for?

Got another J-o-B!! I had to!! Moms asking me for money and shit instead of getting her ass up a gettin a job herself!! WTF is that shit?!?! Now I am still saddened by the thought that I am all alone out here in Tucson.. I even contemplated taking a trip to Cali for booty.. Lame!! It aint gonna happen and you know it! Cali Sucks and I’m just waiting for him to realize that shit and come back to AZ!! Maybe it could be fun to fuck around with someone younger than me.. or maybe I’m just so fucking hard up out in Tucson, I’m starting to get delusional! How lame! How sad is it when you meet your equal, and they are nothing that you would have picked for yourself.. Not in the package that you want it to be in and no where near as stacked as you expected.. kinda like a kick in the mouth huh? is this why people settle? Maybe I did David a favor by cutting off all ties.. Hell, Maybe I did myself a favor too! I mean honestly.. Did I really think that some random dude that has great fingers could keep me happy? Seriously.. No! But I was happy to imagine.. just like I’m imagining stuff with that guy I know is yet again not for me! It will be fun to play, I must say.. But long term? Nah! However I do like the way that he thinks( most of the time) and a LOVE the way he makes me think.. Its nice to meet someone as FUCKED in the head as I am! Super fucking awesome to be able to call him up @ 2am to tel him about some fucked up thought, and to have an actual discussion about it, without feeling like I have inconveinenced the person.. He was eager even to elaborate on the thought! to bad none of us are artists.. the visual pictures that we create with our words would make even the most sexually deviante of folks squirm with uncomfortableness..think big shit in tiny orifaces! Beautifully destructive! The thought of decimating his dirtstar with all sorts of unruly shit makes me go in my pants! It even gave me pause to consider the offer of actually going to Cali! Yes I considered it, Then I threw the frivolous thought out the window, with whatever hope I had of finding ’THE ONE’ before I get fat and gross! Califonia SuckS! and no matter what kind of sick and twisted (albeit interesting) expeireince is promised to me out there, I refuse to think more about setting one fucking foot into that horrible place! I mean realy.. if he wanted it that much.. He. Would. Come. To. ME!!

Thats it guyz!

It is officially done with david smith. He erased picts of me from his myspace, and im proud 2 say that it was at my request. Its hard 2 move on and not go psycho, but im trying 2 work through it in a healthy way.

Diabolus fecit, ut id facerem- to David

Credo Fatum nos coegisse! Vos amo, Vos amo
Vivere, Amare, Deiscere- living,loving and learning

Num mihi dolebit hoc?- it won't hurt a bit(unless of course I want it to.)

Aut id devorabis amabisque, aut cras prandebis- you will eat it and like it, or you will have it for breakfast tomorrow.

merda

If you are reading this, you are curious..

The title means ' I think fate brought us together. iloveyou, iloveyou'

Diabolus fecit, ut id facerem- The devil made me do it..

All these thing remind me of you.. your face, your smile, your laugh, even that time you yelled at my friend and I had no choice but to go with her, no matter how much I wanted to stay with you! That display of emotion effectively earned you a place in my heart forever.I look back and realize that that was the 1st and last time that you have ever shown some sort of emotion.. You guard them close my lord, yes you do.. as if you are not the deeper subject of my affections.. Maybe that is why i held out so long, in hopes of seeing more.. Then you brought me back into your reach when I was so far out, you knew you would forget me.. Forgive me for thinking that a sign that you wanted me next to you for all time.. It was/is my own womanly weakness that keeps my heart beating in hopes for you to but aknowledge me. Some sign, a slight nod in my direction and I would throw down all my weapons and become yours and only yours.. in only the way that you could make me yours! Does my submissiveness scare you? does my totall and utter commitment to you shaKE you to your core? do you feel as if you don't deserve my love and my trust and my obesiance? My lord, if only you could see your great self through the eyes that I look threw.. I see a great man, a handsome man a strong man capable of great things!! how could you not see the same?!!? I would love you with a mothers love, a sisters love, a brothers love, a fathers love a whores love, a daughters love, a sons love, a vicars love, any kind of love at all, if you would but let me! Were you to tell me that I was too bold, I would become meek, just for you! Were you to tell me I was too shrew, I would affect a different tone, just for you! Were you to tell me I was to fat, to thin, too tall, too short, too needy, too independent.. too much of anything you DID NOT want me to be, I would change, JUST for YOU! Why do you shun my love? why treat me like i AM lower than your lowliest of low enemies? Why do you ignore my pleas of mercy? of tendre on your part? Mi Lord I have loved you since the begining and I will undoubtedly love you til the end of my days, and for the rest of the long night ahead.. I have no way of putting it mildly.. for my love for you burns like a million suns!! It sounds crazy, but that is how the your absence of your presence makes me! insane with guilt, and remorse and pain, and anger and regrett.. How is it that I can feel thusly toward you, and yet, you can walk by me, and not even see me, feel me, hear me, touch me? O cruelest of cruel fates has thrown my lot in with yours.. and yet, you don't even care enough to tell me how much,YOUR JUST NOT INTO ME!

I just realized.

That the reason why i had such delusions of granduer with MDS, is cause i have always wanted 2 date a sk8er since the 1st time i saw Clueless.

I realized that by doing that

I totally lowered my standards by dating someone that was beneath me, then giving him the power 2 hurt me because i needed him 2 stroke my ego.

I have 2 be honest,

I wasnt that in2 him, but somewhere along the line, my ego got involved, and then i needed him 2b into me. I got in2 it 4 the presumed safety of superiority, now i feel lower than low cause of his rejection.

Honestly?

So since I have recently split from my regular booty, i have been going through all the typical withdrawls that you go through when you have been dating( fucking) someone for the better part of a year.. Then I started reading this book called "Hes just not that into you" and I saw all the mistakes that I had made whilst fooling around with MDS.. Then my new roomy let me borrow the book " Be honest, Your just not that into him either" .. and I realized that I have been making such a HUGE ass of myself with all the guys that I have been in relationships with.. Like for instance, there is a part in the book that talks about being blinded by the 'meantimes'.. which means that your just settling for the random guys that your dating, just beacuse you always have the far off hope that while you occupy your time with all the Mr. wrongs, eventually you will find Mr. right.. you know, like how with MDS I knew from the get go that he was ALL kinds of wrong for me.. but because the sex was Ok, I ran with it.. eventually deluding myself into thinking that I could be happy with all his Mr.wrongness staring me in the face.. Just for the sake of not having to face myself in regards to my KNOWING that he was just flat out wrong.. Don't get me wrong, MDS was a great guy, just not MY great guy.. I miss him cause I have no other options and well, a girl has needs.. But to be honest, if the oppourtunity arose for me to fool around with him again, I would probably choose to just walk away.. I wanted him to miss me and chase me just cause I wanted to feel like I was pretty, or needed or desireable.. the book says that basically for us women, its easier for us to narrow the odds from trying to be attractive for ALL guys, to just 1. I mean honestly, its so much easier for me to try to be what just 1 guy wants than for me to try to be what 2 million guys want.. odds are, that about 12 in those 2million are actually going to be attracted to me.. where as I would probably be attracted to about 200k of THEM.. Pretty crazy huh? So.. Yes, I am probably retarded for giving the relationship propaganda books so much precedence in my life, but lets reflect shall we? On friday night, I went out and partied in Tempe with some friends.. Got really smashed, and apparently gave my number out to a nigger AND a mexican.. How is that helping my situation? NOT AT ALL.. I KNOW I'm not goint to meet the guy that I'm looking for at a bar or a club.. Hell, I'm pretty sure I won't meet him at the grocery store or the dentist either.. But because of my standards, I'm not sure where I will meet him.. That shouldn't stop me from going out and doing my thing though right? right! I'm tired of time wasters and fumblers.. Tired of half-assed retards who say they *love* you and then take it back 5mins later.. I'm tired of idiots that refuse to meet you halfway and The cocksuckers who are afraid of a women who KNOWS what she wants and isn't afraid to ask for it or hell even DEMAND it! But where would I find the guy that has all the qualities that I'm looking for. One that will be down for me and mine like I'm down for his? Ready to start the journey forward in life with someone who is likeminded? Who is not afraid to be my reason why I get up and drag my ass into a shitty job every morning because he does/ feels the same? One who is NOT afraid to make me WANT to live past the age of 30. I'm at a lost. The books tell me to not lower my standards, but at the same time be realistic, then they tell me to have my fun, as long as I'm looking out for the one, to be a whore, but keep my shit on lock.. its like its telling me everything and nothing at the same time.. So confused? The books do have one thing in common.. Niether of them tell me where I can meet the guy I'm looking for.. But they do tell me that HE is looking for ME.. So how ARE wer supposed to find one another? Cause it seems that even if we are moving toward one another, its pretty