I don't think it's right..

Sooo.. Its raining here.. which is really rare in this wonderous state.. And what do you do when it rains? You stay indoors and hang out watching tv or movies and fooling around.. So I Called BB and requested his presence to cuddle with me.. Yes I said cuddle.. i couldn't help it.. I think its about that time of the month.. But mores the pity, about that time for BB and I to part ways.. It always ends up like this.. I can't stand it when I feel like cuddling and the guy has no clue what to do.. But whateve.. I will live on.. I feel so sad that its ending.. I think we ae both getting pretty tired of one another.. plus the sex was really shitty tonight.. I mean really shitty sex.. Didn't last long and I didn't even get off. Oh well.. When the sex starts to get bad, thats when its time to kiss the relationship goodbye.. okies.. I'm off to bed.. Hopefully to dream of a sexy, sexy, sex bomb of a guy.. One that I don't have to train and gets me right away.. One that has similar hopes and dreams and ideas to mine.. night!

too friendly?

I think not.. I.. I think that as time wears thin, I tend to get old and really sappy.. Then I have top take a step back and even slap myself for thinking such blasphemous thoughts about my life.. But it will soon all be over.. However.. I don't know if its for the best or if its for the worst..I'd give up just about anything to become beautiful, successful and happy.. I wouldn't mind burning in the fires of hell just to have a beautiful 10 yrs on earth.. everything I've ever wanted, everything i've ever dreamed of.. Instead of being a fat, zit-ridden, bitchy black chick.. IDK.. I'm becoming depressed.. Must be from lack of sex.. Gotta get it like clock work or else I become tempramental.. How lame is that? Sex is just another thing for me to try to accumulate feelings of humanoid emotion from.. eventually, I will be able to go without it.. or not.. whatever.. So that guy didn't call today, or tonight.. perhaps I should be pleased by that.. Cause what would be the point of him calling me if he has nothing to say.. But a text of 'hi, how ya doin' would be nice.. But whateve.. I shouldn't even be thinking about him, I spoke with My seanyboy.. So sexy and talkative on the phone, so quiet and reserved in reality.. But he is a quick one I will tell you that.. God.. its like I'm TRYING to make myself care more about this sean guy than BB.. I'm guessing cause sean is asthetically, everything I'm looking for.. But who knows what he would be like in bed.. and truth be told, If I wasn't already fucking BB,then I probably would have banged him already.. I have a sinking feeling that he is incredibly boring in bed.. just lazy and lame and one of those guys that you lay up-under hoping that they make it quick.. or even just give a half-way decent blow-job to just cause the thought of having sex with him puts you to sleep.. How SAD is that.. Its so fucking typical.. Meet the man of your dreams, and you relize, it is all JUST in your dreams.. and your better off with the homely, poor guy that can at least give you a thrill in the sack.. WHY?!?! I guess, why do I feel as if I need to rush into anything, with, well, anyone.. I mean BB seems content with our arrangement, I don't want to meet his mom or his family and I don't want to be his gurl.. There is so much more.. But since I have such a very hard time "meeting the parents" I figure it would be best if I just keep it where I'm at.. Especially since BB isn't fully trained yet.. Don't worry ladies, He is coming along nicely.. pretty soon he will be at the halfway mark.. Hell I'm impressed that the training is going so well.. I didn't think that it would take for a minute, but.. The subject is a very apt pupil.. Sometimes he even surprises me! But mostly, I'm just waiting for him to catch on to what I'm doing.. But Its for his own good.. cause by the time he realizes whats happening, it will be too late and the habits that he has aquired will ensure that he is snapped up immediately.. and then, I will be thanked, I will be adored and I will have made a great contribution to women kind.. Fuck with him it will make like 3 that I have trained and sent out into the world.. the other 2 are extremely happy.. both married ( to girls with kids by someone else, but they don't seem to mind) and doing well.. I mean they aren't super well off, but they take care of business.. See withthe 1st recruit, I went a little crazy and now all he cares about is his money and dating young girls.. and he is a horrible story teller and braggart.. but... Well hell, I still couldn't even say that he is a catch.. He is my stallion.. when I need verification that a bitch is a hoe/slut/tramp for real, then I have him fuck her.. (which is probably why I will never fuck him again) Then, I cAN talk shit about her taken my leftovers.. no matter how long ago or how much I said it was cool.. it is NEVER cool to fuck the ex of a close friend.. which really sucks, cause sean and brian are close and they are roomies.. so it may not work out well for sean and i anywayz.. but then what does that leave me stuck with.. BOOOOO!!! I mean, I have nothing against BB.. I mean hes funny, intelligent, has great taste in music, and becoming pretty fucking awesome in bed.. But what to do? IDK.. Whateve.. I'm going to sleep.. I wish some guy would tell me that I'm beautiful..

OOOOOPS.. unfinished..

i THINK THAT i MAY HAVE MADE A MISTAKE BY LETTING YOU THINK THAT i AM ANYTHING OTHER THAN A LYING SACK OF SHIT WHO IS ONLY OUT TO MAKE SURE THAT SHE ENDS UP ON TOP.. i LIKE HAVING FRIENDS, i LIKE going out with the girls.. but, I realized that throughout my life, girls come and go, but my boys have always basically been the same..Whatever.. last night I was supposed to go out with the clear girls and i got home and ate, then fell asleep.. oooopsie! I fell asleep while I was eating.. go figure.. must be the kick ass pot that I was smoking earlier.. Now, I went to the movies and I spent the night(friday night) at BBs' house, But so far, I escaped meeting his mom.. Luck seemed to have been on my side.. But I won't let myself be put in that shitty position again.. The sex was horrible( I think he had been drinking)

Trying to find a way..

Out, is like trying to find the center of a tootsie pop.. Pretty pointless after you realize that you can bite it to get to it faster.. But whatever.. I finally have internet at mi casa, so now I will make it a point to come home on a regular basis.. or rather to update at often as possible.. Anyways.. I just got done doing some serious friendly mcfriendster stuff with BB.. On Tuesday, he called me when I was hanging with nesha at the dealership.. He needed a rid cause his car was at the shop.. Okiess.. Then I decided that if that was what was up, I was gonna just see what something felt like.. I just wanted to know what it would feel like to go from his bed to work the next day.. so I stayed at his house that night, so that I could take him to work in the morning and then pick him up after sos he could get his car.. I guess its a good thing we work like 5 miles away from each other.. but anyways.. It was a wonderful night.. the 1st night.. I picked him up( Clear to the rescue!) and then we went to my casa to get sum clothing, and I took a shower, and then we went to get pizza and redbull, had some great sex and then went to sleep.. It was nice to be held for a little bit.. its all I really wanted..Just to be able to fall asleep afterward.. and not have to drive allllllllll the way back to east mesa( damn near queen creek) from the fucking avenues.. It was cool.. but I think that BB and I have a limit to how much time we can spend together.. and that limit is about a day and a half.. So, living together is completely out of the question.. But it was nice to be able to wake up next to him.. But then I was all extra bajiggity about him for the rest of the day at work.. So i didn't get much work done and then I was all bitchy and shit when I went to go pick him up cause he had been on my mind all day and that took time away from me thinking about myself.. Then he told me that this weekend all he wanted to do was skate.. Okies.. That did it for me.. I always get sucked in to thinking that somehow he has switched his priorities.. but then like a bucket of ice water thrown on me right before I cum, I am made to realize that I don't come close to his obsession with trying to break his face.. I'm thinking its cause it doesn't judge him.. anyways.. So I was going to ask him to be my BF.. But then I realized that that was quite possibly a very stupid thing to do.. Cause It just would never work.. There is not enough time in the day for my to go through all the reaONS WHY IT WOULDN'T.. i'M IN AN INCREDIBLY NEGATIVE MOOD RIGHT NOW.. ALL I CAN THINK OF IS HOW COMPLETELY SILLY I FEEL AROUND THESE PEOPLE.. AND THE FACT THAT I THINK THESE CHICK ARE TRYING TO HOLD ME BACK.. BUT i REFUSE TO BE HELD BACK JUST CAUSE THEY CAN'T OR WONT DO IT.. BB IS A DISTRACTION.. *J* IS A DISTRACTION.. BUT SO IS THE REST OF MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY.. i JUST.. yEAH.. i WILL HAVE TO FINISH MY BROODING LATER.. hAPPY THANKSGIVING..

My Night "Hashing" it up..

So Yesterday I went To My boy brians House..( Mainly to see His Roomy(of course) Sean) I took my clear girl Ne-ne with me.. WHY? Cause Brian thought that she was cute and I think, he somehow wanted to holler at her..But We had a blast.. we smoked some pot with a little hashy-bashy over the top( fucked us all up!) and then proceeded to watch football split-screened with guitar hero.. Hmmm.. Didn't get any alone time with sean though.. Brian continued to cock block( like a bitch!) and Ne-ne was so fucking torn back after 2 hits, she went straight to sleep! The most I was able to get from sean was a pat on the ass when we went to go get water for everyone..BOOOOOO!! But it was all good.. I guess. A little friend on friendlier( is that a word) friend time is cool.. Especially when talking aboot my future husband.. That boy makes me want to.. we will stop thinking those dirty thoughts immediately.. I will reserve the whore side for BB at this point in time.. Can't unleash the beast until AFTER the wedding( LOL!!). But Work sucks, and I have been thinking about going all the way and becoming a full fledged PhaRmacist.. Why? Cause out of school, jobs START at about 100k/yr.. NIIIIIICE! Maybe I'm just looking for a reason to continue down this so called path that we call life.. Hell, I enjoy school, why not go back? its not like i have the child to hold me back.. and loans, are just loans.. I'm already in a fuckton of debt, why not make something out of it? okies.. I'm gonna take a shower cause I have been going at it with BB for the past like hour or so, and I have to get up really early to go into work.. So I hope to holla atcha later.. Hopefully by Thanksgiving, the internet on the laptop at the house will be up and running, but my roomy seems to be procrastinating.. fucking chinks!

Stagnant? or Lazy?

So this weekend is supposed to be my girl clears' b-day weekend.. But we are all pretty much broke.. That, and to be sure, I'm pretty much done with the whole 'homegirl' thing. I would rather hang with my guys, cause the majority of them don't cause drama.. I notice that when I hang with the boys, I live a relatively drama free life.. but girls.. they bring all the drama..Anywayz.. So My phone got turned off at somepoint during the night, so now, I have no phone.. But its cool, I mean, I should stay in this weekend anyways, I can clean my place and do laundry and just chill and read.. I wish I had gotten the keys to my sensei's house, I could have chilled out there, by myself, with no body but the kitties to keep me company.. But with no phone, I don't have to worry about getting caught up in some stupid girly shit.. That means by going home tonight, with no phone, they have no way of reaching me.. hehehe.. This way, I can spend some seriously needed me time.. and re-center myself.. It kinda suks, cause it looked like last night would have been a night for BB and I to actually get some serious talking done.. But I decided that I wasn't going to be THAT girl. I didn't want to be on the phone all night 'talking'.. hell, I'm so tired of talking right now, I'm ready for action.. either he will take a hint, or move the fuck on!!! Maybe I'm all antsy cause I'm raggin pretty bad.. or it could be that I'm all amped cause Its only 6:18am and I've had 2 bags of m&ms, and I'm starting on my second doubleshot mocha(20oz).. Yup.. its gonna be one of those days.. I'm outa smokes, I 'm outa money.. The next purchase I make, will be for gas to get to work for the rest of the week next week.. I wonder how the new car will hold up with a full tank of midgrade in her..I know that it would probably take about 2 or 3 tanks before a true difference is seen But, it will all work out, I think one of the injectors is clogged, or that there is something up with 3rd gear.. But Now i'm getting all auto-techy on your punk asses.. sooo.. anyways, I was totally all about selling the mazda, and just sticking with thte blue bullet, but now, I'm feeling pretty fucking greedy and I want to keep both.. no place to put them though.. I'm already half parked in the street.. LAME!! But whatever.. I was really blown away by the texing from BB last night.. I could have made a sceen and had one of those nights, But I seriously decided, that I was gonna tamp down on the drama side, and just refuse to create it.. But I really wanted to rip into him.. and all he said was that he missed me.. MISSED ME?!?!?! OMG! RUS?! Missed me? It was a little wierd having him text me that.. So I figured that he was just being a Jokey McJokester with me so I (of course) wrote back in a smartass manner.. Then it was like he got all snippy with me.. so I asked him if he was being serious, and he aske what about.. I told him about all of it.. he said that he was serious about missing me, but not so serious about being snippy.. I said oh, and that was the end of it.. as a matter of fact, the last text I sent was me telling him to have a safe journey to california(the devil state) and the last I recieved was him saying thank-you and that he will.. I guess we shall see how this goes.. cause unless he finds a way to contact me(which shouldn't be to hard)when he gets back, I won't be talking to him.. But he will be gone all weekend anywayz.. what really bites is that I won't be able to get hold of *j*.. so there will be no spking with the perfect man.. which strangely I'm not as broken up about that as I am about not talking to BB..which is sad..Cause *j* deserves so much more sympathy and thought than I give to him.. But I can't help it.. Maybe its cause I'm already fu*king BB and thats why I feel more of a tendre to him.. That and I have trained him so that I get off like 99% of the time that I'm with him.. But I've become really selfconscience lately in regards to being naked.. IDK.. Just not as comfortable now as I was before.. I feel fat and lumpy and can I just say FAT again? Thats really how I feel.. I noticed that BB was picking up some wieght too.. you can totally tell cause his face is starting to fill out.. It actually looks nicer than the super sallow look he had going on.. If he could stay at the weight that he is now.. it would be perfect.. sexy, sexy,sexy,sexy.. I just want to do such dirty things to that boy.. Okies.. Back on track.. But yeah.. so I figure yet again another quiet weekend at home.. It will be nice to not HAVE to be anywhere.. My roomy was supposed to be putting the new laptop in the room, but its not in their yet.. I hope its in tonight, cause I will go crazy without ANY contact to the outside world.. and since I figure I'm not going anywhere unless I KNOW I have to be there, I figure it would be nice to have some sort of communication.. But whatever is whatever.. I guess I will ask my roomy if she has room for 2 more for her Thanksgiving dinner.. Cause I want sensei to come to.. he lost his shit when He saw the roomi.. But its all good.. I hope I did do something nice and hook those 2 up.. it would be cool to know that I'm responsible for those 2's happiness with each other.. But I'm pretty sure it wouldn't happen.. I Miss BB.. The crazy thing is, when I got that msg, I was all extra super excited, and then I started using my brain.. I had to remember that he is a big fibber, and I think that unless he made it a point to tell me that he was being serious, I wouldn't think to much into the sentimental things he says..Cause I would just assume that he is being sarcastic.. God I hope the Laptop is at the house today!! I wanna do stuff.. Vegitate on the computer and watch movies and such.. Maybe do some reading.. *J* Had called me yesterday, But is that the top bulletin on my list? NOPE.. It should be, but its not! I'm still trying to figure out why that is.. IDK.. I need to have male attention this weekend, not female.. Maybe I should just show up at *j*s' house this weekend..Just to be touched by a guy.. But I'm not all that hellfired and damnationed to do that.. I kinda just want to be curled up under BB watching some movie and eating pizza and drinking beer.. Seriously.. That sounds like a blast right now.. I guess you could say that to me, that would constitue an almost perfect weekend.. I probably should just tell him how I feel.. But feelings are faggots.. and I'm most certainly not a fuc*ing faggot.. or maybe I am.. okies.. off to work with me.. hopefully I will be able to update l8er on tonight..or this weekend..

whats the stitch?

So this weekend I got skrewed by buying a really shitty car.. but what eve.. possibly going to have some sex with BB today, but not really sure if I want to..Since he told me that I was to readily acessable to him, I figure that I should just stop seeing him all together.. That way he can't say stupid shit like that.. How could you be so bored with having sex? I mean, I'm not the prettiest, or the sweeteset, but I try my hardest to be the kinkiest.. My sensie says that I should drop the chump and just focus on what I really want, which is *J* Brians roomy( OMG!! Hes such a lil hottie!) Cause after hanging out over there yet AGAIN on sunday, It was alllllll gravy!! I LOVE that boy! He watches football, smokes pot and is an actual full blown engineer!! How sexy is that!?! Plus, the red hair and Blue eyes.. OMG!! I said Goddamn!! I even got a little kissypoo on the neck last night before I left.. OMG!! I love it!! We hung out a watched football, and Brian work and smoked and drank beer and just had a really chill time.. Then He told Brian to continue working and he would walk me to my car.. How sweet!! I think he thought that I was gonna make out with him.. NOT!! This Clear girl don't roll like that! But he hugged me and asked if I wanted to hang out sometime this week! I was like, Yah bitch Yah!! Of COURSE I will make time for you, ya sexy little stud muffin!! So, I will see whats up with that.. actually, I hope I'm to busy to be able to make time for him.. I don't want to make the same mistake with him as I did with BB.. Ya know, by making myself to available.. I still can't believe he said that!! Maybe he is to pussy to man up to the consistency of sex that I need.. I gotta have it regularly.. But I figure if he is more interested in the hunt for it then the actual act, then, I will allow him to continue his quest for that.. I guess for him, the trill of the hunt IS the best part.. I like the actual ACT.. I'm not knocking the hunt, Just the fact that someone would prefer it over regular booty.. Whateve.. Maybe I should just stop seeing him.. I will, once things get a little more on trak with *j*.. It sucks.. BB totally had me.. Would have done anything for him.. Now he has been delegated to Friend status.. Just like Brian.. I will love him to death as a friend, But will never have sex with him again, or attempt a real relationship.. I guess Its more my fault than any, Cause I wanted him to be the agressor and go after me if thats what he wanted, but I forgot that he is not that type of person.. He would rather take things at face value, then read into them like I as a girl would.. He Knows that I am a complicated creature, but refuses to even try to understand.. I want a guy to spoil me as I spoil him, and in doing that, make my will bend to his.. To make me want what he wants, think how he thinks, so that for the majority of the relationship, we act as 1. I've only got 3 years left.. I can't be wasting my time with retards that don't know what they want from me.. and I'm all out of patience to train someone.. But, I'm awfully glad that I got the opportunity to see what its like to train.. I wish I had more time... But we all wish for fish when we live in the stars.. I love BB, I love Brian, I live *j*.. But I don't feel close enough to either of them to change my plans for the future.. I think I liked it better when I DIDN'T have the clear girls.. cause I spend waaaay more money hanging with them, then with my boys.. I'm trying to work as much as possible, so that I won't be able to hang with them much.. Cause I really don't want to spend money on another selfish and ungrateful broad.. If I wanted to do that, I would take care of the child.. I guess I kinda have to go out with them this weekend since it is clears b-day.. i'm buying 1 round or a bottle for predrinking and thats it.. I figure If I by a bottle and everyone gets a shot, then that will be my drink buying limit.. however, I think that I will tell them that I will meet them whereever they are going to be.. that way I wont get stuck..I'm sure I will end up od my ba this next 2 wks.. but I uess ya gotta do, what ya gotta do.. I gotta get at least 1 of the cars legal.. We shall see how this goes.. so I guess there will be sex tonite with BB.. If for nothing else than to relieve stress..

Why So Sad?

What is it about this life that makes me want to slice my wrists, blow my brains out, or jump off an overpass into the afternoon traffic below?
Why is it that I Like a guy that gives me nothing.. feels as if I take advantage of him and is a self proclaimed introvert? What about this Oh-so Perfect redhead, that I should be all about.. But when you don't answer the phone for one, when you are on the other line with another, it says alot about your priorities.. ALOT.. The redhead hencforth known as 'R' has IT.. I mean, he is attractive, he is tall, he is intelligent, witty, engaging, a definate people person, and he has time to give me the attention that I crave.. cause he gets to work from his fabulous house.. I would have him put on about 15lbs before I'd fuck 'em, but other than that.. But I feel as if I'm forcing the affection, forcing the interest with him.. How is it that this guy could be all that I am seriously looking for, and I'm not interested because the introvert is what I want.. But I'm tired of waiting for the aforesaid introvert to realize( read my mind) that I'm all about him.. just not in a regular way, cause well, I'm not a regular girl..I think that we could totally work it out, but that would require him to grow up, and start taking me seriously.. or not.. Obviously, My life sucks cause I have a crush on a guy that cares nothing about making me happy, even though my whole exhistence is to make him happy.. He even told me that i have ruin sex for him.. why? Cause I have made it to readily axcessable for him.. I guess I should play hard to get.. but herein lies the problem.. I don't want to play games anymore.. I don't have time to play games.. I just want to be in a relationship, with out all the titles.. Or maybe I do want the title.. cause I do want the label, just not the lable of being his girlfriend.. I don't know why it would make me feel wierd to be called his GF, anyone else, and I would demand that the title be known to everyone around the world.. what does it mean when you want to be someones significant other, but not to have the actual title of being that persons significant other? Is it cause I'm ashamed? or Is it cause I want what we have to be special, and with out the lables, it frees us from being IDK, I guess 'labeled'? I care, and I shouldn't, But whats a girl to do? I wish he would just grow some fucking balls and take what he wants from me.. I want him to be all aboot telling me what the next step is.. I need for him to be overbearing and slightly abusive when he tells me that I am his and that he is mine cause its what we both want and then for him to give me the stipulations of how he wants this thing to run.. I'm not a mind reader, and I shouldn't expect for him to be, but its hard not to wish for him to just know instictively what I want and give or take from me accordingly.. I think he realizes that having me as an actual GF would be a lot of work, mentally, and physically.. and Maybe he is just as lazy as I am, and thinks that instead of trying to make it work, it would be easier to give up on the perfection that would be us, and turn to the easiness of bouncing around with something that is less of a fucking challenge.. God Bless Laziness..

a Blast from the past blog... read at your own risk!!

the weekend windup.. why I am chickenshit..


So this weekend went.. well it went sorta weird.. I found myself all extra stressed out about how i felt aboot his davidness.. So yesterday I did something aboot it.. after I got my place, and after he got his oh-so-super new car.. I went to his house, got my severance pop(can you believe he didn't know what that was?)and made sure I didn't leave any of my random shit behind( except for the topping book, my gift to him) and now, I'm changing my phn.. Those of you whom are privledged enough to get the new .. feel special.. causeI don't think i will even give this to my family.. I thinkI kinda need to find a whole new fan base.. I didn't sleep well last night, but what can I say? I am a stupid bitch with WAAAAAY too many skeletons in her closet.. I miss him already.. but real talk.. it wouldn't make any difference what I want, and how I feel has no bearing on the fact that this whole thing was doomed from the start.. I mean, you can't meet someone on the internet and live happily ever after.. it just doesn't work that way.. If you haven't already met the person you are supposed to spend the rest of your life with, then you are doing something completely wrong.. In my defense, however, I've been doomed to live and die alone since I was born.. When your to afraid to take chances cause you know how it most certainly will end up, you tend to run screaming bloody murder in the opposite direction.. no matter how deeply you feel.. I mean I spoke with my wifey aboot these uber weird feelings that I was having.. I told her that I had started acting like those silly cunts, that I have absolutely no patience for.. listening to silly sappy sad love songs, acting all clingy and pissy.. beilieving that no matter what, all things will work out.. then I got a huge dose of reality.. when I saw how I acted on saturday, and then that night being invited over and then feeling completely crushed when I was told to not come over to hang out.. not only that, but just being told that he was going to sleep, and realizing that more than anything, all I wanted to do is be in the same bed, cuddled up.. ok so more disturbing was the thought that I would not have even minded if there was no sex involved.. I knew that is was waaaaaaaay past time for me to put these silly notions of well, silliness to death.. I have to get rid of these super odd feelings permenantly.. so I figured that you can't want something you never, ever see.. Has no bearing on him.. I mean, I know I like him( more than I should) and that even though he is completely immature and my friends don't think he is overly attractive( like I care!) and He is not EVERYthing I'm looking for.. it just feels right.. but feeling right means settling.. and since I am a complete commitmentphobe, I run.. I run fast I run hard and I try not to look back for fear of being sucked back into the monotony of being placed not 1st, but 6th or 7th or 8th on someones list of most important things.. He even told me, you want to have all the girlfriend privledges, only without the title.. But the title just makes it sooo final. then last night( after some great severance pop sex) we talked about me not wanting to live past my 30th b-day.. The more he spoke, the more I realized that I have no talent.. ok I have talent, but no drive to commit to doing something great.. I just wanted to yell at him that Just because he is destined for greatness( if he gets the right support) he can't expect for EVERYBODY to be. Cause if everybody had the option to be super.. no one would be different.. I'm not gonna lie.. I said the (L) word on saturday to my wifey.. she agreed and then proceeded to grill me until.. well until I felt sure that if anything, I should be fair to him and let him go.. Cause who (in their right mind)would want to be with someone as completely fucked-up in the head as I? I mean, I know that as soon as I hit 30.. I'm commiting suicide.. Cause I feel as if there is nothing left after that.. I would never be comfortable being in a true relationship, and I'm not as cool as I make myself out to be. Sabotage is my number 1 pastime when it comes to my relationships, and I'm so clingy and needy, that I give those other bitches who are atleast upfront about how they act, a serious run for thier money.. I figure when you start feeling as if all you want to do is lie in bed with a person for days, and days.. there is seriously something wrong with me.. What a dull exhistence I will lead with out him.. but knowing that I would care more than he, just shows me that I am meant to be alone..Forever.. I am resiliant in my goal of never letting anyone have so much power over me.. if my heart is breaking.. its cause I'm the one breaking it.. if I'm being let down, its cause I'm getting down.. Fuck! Now I am offically depressed and actually crying.. I never fucking do this.. it hurts like I have a hole.. emptyness.. but i don't know why.. Its not like anything was there to begin with.. in closing, I want to apologize to David James Smith for being a shitty cunt bag toward him for the past week.. and i hope that you find what your looking for in your life.. I would still like to be your friend.. but we all know that it never works out that way.


17:03 August 20, 2007

after reading this again.. I realize now, that I should have satyed away.. Now, all i want to do is hold this silly little boy.. I want to help make him a man.. a great man.. help him increase his wealth and health and leave him better off then I found him.. But since, he isn't really all that down with that.. actually no guy is seriously down with that.. What do I do.. My next 3 yrs on this earth is reduced to a waste..

ReaDY?

I think I will hang out with him.. Just to hang out.. I really Like BB.. Too much so.. So much so, That I realize that I NEED to find another person to lavish my attention on, or else.. Or else.. I refuse to give my soul to someone who would do nothing with it.. nothing but disregaurd it in such a way, as to crush me.. I refuse to hand over that power to another person.. There is a small part of me that wants to.. just take a chance it says.. But the logical side screams at me to not be a dumb fucking cunt.. which side do I choose? the quiet, or the loud?

WOW!!

Ok.. so this weekend and this past week was super awesome!! I guess.. Thanks to my sensei, I no longer have to stay @ the house of filth and hang out with the crybaby and watch her and the bird makeout! But whateve.. It was nice of her to allow me to stay with her and I am eternally greatful, but I just can't live in filth.. Or with someone who is to lazy to clean up after themselves.. But what eve.. So after hanging out with brian(and his super sexy roomate) on thursday,I have come to a conclusion.. I have met the manly man of my dreams.. Brians roomy is, is.. OMG!! Fucking HOT!! Fucking SEXY!! and sooooo Next on my list of conquests! I want to do such dirty things to that boy! You don't even understand! Hes like 6'2 and yes he could stand to put on about 15 or 20 lbs, but he has the red hair and blue eyes that I love sooooooooo very much..he is funny, has grrrreat taste in music andhas an actual career.. I may get my heart hurt with this one guys, cause this is what I want, and far be it from me to let myself not get what i want sooo bad.. I may disgrace myself, and I may even be treated unjustly.. But I'm sure it will all be worth it... cause once I fuck him in the ass.. it will be all over.. and I will be triumphant.. GOD BLESS AMERICA!! as for BB.. Well, Ya know.. since I have to prepare myself for the inevitable joining of spirits with the NEW lust of my life, he will have to be let go.. which to be completely honest, is turning out to be easier than I thought it would be.. just needed a force stronger than the one that was keeping me attatched to him, to pull me away.. I feel kinda bad that I will kinda blow him off, but its more for the sanity of both of us.. We had a good run and It will be cool to see if I could be 'JUST FRIEnds' with him.. Or vice versa.. cause Now I have a goal.. a challenge.. and I'm all about him!

over it!!

So I deleted BB's number out of my phnoe.. we will see if he calls..

its been a while...

since i've written anything even remotely good..So.. Basically I will give you an update.. after the wild weekend of which I spent waaaaaay too much money.. I had to stay with the cry baby.. I hardly see her cause I try to stay gone, or be in bed by the time she gets home from work.. But anyways.. had some el sexeoso with BB on the 29th, that was pretty bad by the way, and then I decided that i should try it again, ya know, just to make sure its wasn't me.. so we fooled around again on the 30th, and it again was really awkward and horrible waste of time for me.. I don't know about for him, but I think he senses that soemthing is wrong.. I think its cause I'm getting my rag..cause right before, sometimes all I want to do is cuddle.. Thats why I liked Mr. cuddlepants.. well that, and he had just a beautiful cock.. when it wasn't limp from all the pot he smoked.. but anyways.. so yeah, it was pretty bad.. i didn't even bother trying to fake an orgasm.. BB knew that it wasn't as good as it should have been.. I guess I can't blame the guy for tyring! I mean, he was even ruff with me And a little degrading( which I loooooooved by the way!) But it was still pretty bad.. Yesterday I saw mr. searan.. it was super fun and I looove Brian soo much! That boy is fucking high-lair-i-e-ous!! So We hung out and I didn't even think to call or text BB until I was leaving.. But I resisted the urge to do such things as in call HIM.. Maybey If I can keep myself busy, I won't have to call him ever again.. I do beleive that this is the end of the road for him and I.. But its a more natural one than say us fighting.. But it was cool cause Brians roomy is the red-head that I have had a crush on for like ever!! OMG!! That boy is way to hot to trot! I told brian that I will come to his house just to stare at his roomate on a regular.. Casue I said goddamn!! That Boy is Fucking sexy!! I would do things to him that would make his toes curl and his eyes roll back.. and then kill him with my craziness.. It would be awesome for Brians roomy and I to hook-up.. Just cause, that woud give me an in to the in crowd.. Plus.. I think that he is just as sexy as he wants to be.. By the right toe on NataS's Left foot! I want that boy added to the list I have been in! I'm ready for the change.. Out with the old, In with the new! God I LOOOOOOOOOOOVE Red heads!