Kids are an unhealthy

Burden that nobody should have 2 shoulder until they are ready 2 throw their lives away.

Its Happening yet AGAIN!!

I was shopping yesterday, and I started thing about what clothes would look good on him.. wanting to By Pen Stuff is not my idea of being a healthy person.. unless you were his Mom or his Girlfriend.. of which i am neither.. and to be honset, I have no desire to be Either of those things.. I was at the store looking for shit for myself, and ended up in the mens department.. Really, I was just lopoking for cheap t-shirts for myself to work in, but I ended up looking at shit and thinking about what HE would like and what would fit him.. BAAAAAAAD place to be! I had to consciencely make myself stop thinking about that shit1 I realized that its the same bullshit that was Happening with David.. I didn't really like the guy in that way.. but lack of diversions had me thinking more and more about 'What If'.. I don't like this one bit.. I mean I can see how Pen and I would make more sense than David and I EVER could, But thats not what i want.. I LIKE having Pen as a friend.. and in order for us to keep the amicability going, there will have to be no sex, or seriously intimate convos.. which is going to be hard as shit cause I like having those types of conversations with him.. Hell to be completely honset, I think that if David could talk to me like Pen talks to me, then I would be able to justify why it took me soooo long to get around the fact that David and I are no more.. But Thats not how it works.. I've only met 1 near perfect guy.. and thats CASEY SEAN STEWART.. So in love with him pstill to this day.. Just unfortunate that he has the child to dictate his life from now until the end of time.. or else I would totally be down for getting back with him.. but I know that since he has the horrible child, there is no more fun left in him.. I find that alot when it come to people who are parents.. its like having kids steals their fun gene.. or their joy.. I guess its one and the same when you think about it. All the parents I know try to explain it away as growing up or getting older or priorities changing.. They try to say that having these fucking funsuckers is fulfilling and think to talk down or look down upon those of us who realize that having kids SUKS!! Its no fun.. and having them smile at you for a brief moment doesn't make up for the 30yrs of pain that they inevitably bring into your life.. I think I will start writing a book about why people should NOT have kids.. I realize that the people I work with in Tucson are WHITE TRASH!! and those who aren't are NIGGERS or fucking MEXICANS.. and I hate ALL 3 of those groups!! Why is it that I know that I wouldn't be happy being in either one of those groups, but it seems as if they are obliviously happy with thier shitty exhistence? Is it cause they are so oblivious? What I wouldn't give to be completley oblivious to all the bull shit!! Maybe thats why I get high.. cause then I can sleep and totally ignore the pain of KNOWING that my life is shite cause I don't fit into any groups.. Like Pendergrass, I can see him living comfortably in middleclass white trash hell, like my sisters are completely ok living like Niggers.. and others prefer to live like the squallid Mexicans that i know.. Same goes for all of my friends.. I just don't know where to turn.. Why Am I the only one who sees just how hopeless this all is? Whay am I the only one who realizes that no matter what we do, we will always be our roots.. I fight and scratch to do better, and I get knocked back to where I am now? It hurts my brain and squeezes my heart..

Self-sandbagging

That Tears it!! I am officially a Sad Sadistically Narcissistic person.. I'm totally serious! I set myself up to fall on my face.. In EVERYTHING!! I just don't understand why I do it.. Maybe thats why I hate life so much.. I'm constantly looking for ways to Fuck my OWN shit up all kinds! And I do it subconsciencely!! I honestly don't realize I'm doing it until I've done it, then its too late to take back what I've said, or done.. I just don't know why.. why.. why.. why... Anyways.. I (hopefully(here comes sandbag 1)) talked Pen into seeing his stripper girlfriend/future roomate when he comes to visit in May.. I REALLY had to talk him into doing it.. Then I get off work and(sandbagg 2) we talk about all things groovy as usual.. ending with a delightful idea of guy trying to get sex from his live-in girlfriend and girlfriend brutally rebuffing guy for humping her leg( or reaching over to unceramoniously to grope the Fuck out of her) and the guy deciding that 1st and foremost, he needs to get off.. right then and there.. so instead of getting up and taking it to the bathroom, guy decides to fap one off right next to girl in bed.. Then we got sorta goofy with it( I got goofy 1st!) I said that I would be the type of girl to sit and stare at guy whilst he did that( how creepy would it be to have someone stare at you at 1st hatefully, then incredibly, then hotly as you try to fap one off.. on top of that include beings asked repeatedly if you were going to come yet..) he said that he would be the type of guy that would aim toward girls face that was watching , just to get back.. I said that i would act like I want it, then just before he came, I'd get up and run screaming from the bedroom hoping to kill his moment.. He said that he would chase girl around house furiously beating his cock and shouting that he was going to cum.. Ok so maybe to you guys( whoever still reads this shit) it doesn't sound like much.. but you gotta think of the intimacy that 2 people would have to have with each other for this to be just a rip-roaring good time.. or even just part of 4-play.. Its part of keeping things steamy and hot in the bedroom.. where I would think that after being chase all around the house like that, and laughing the whole time.. you would'nt actually end up in the bedroom, but someplace totally out of the ordinary in-out place that you do it in.. like on top of the Kitchen table, or with your head inside the Refridgerator.. you know.. just a lil spice.. and whilst thinking of crazy-fun ways to spice up a relationship is all well and good for me, it makes me wonder if I will ever be in a relationship that is good enough to support the ideals I have.. I mean, with the intimacy issue, I haven't had a very decent track record.. I mean besides Casey and Brian, there hasn't been much in the way of "fun" in the Bedroom.. and that was pretty much all Casey, cause Brian is a 'You on top', 'from the back' kind of guy.. Very boring and Very Passe.. Just cause you got a huge cock doesn't mean that you can be lazy!! But anyways.. Just thinking about how much fun that would be got me a little morose.. I guess it would also had to do with the fact that I thought it up with PENDERGRASS of all people!! Just like the whole 'sitting in the empty tub and painting my toenails whilst he takes a dump on the toilet next to me' thing.. I mean, technically I've done that last bit before( Ok maybe I didn't paint my toenails, but I was shaving my legs.. and perhaps I was sitting on the sink at the time, but whateve!) But it sucks when you think about just How Close two people have to be for something like that to transpire.. OH God!! What If I fall for Pen?!?!?!! and all my careful cajoling and telling him to man up and figure out what he wants from his stripper GF/ future roomate, and to be with her if thats what he wants and to work things out cause thats best, comeback to bite me in the ass?!?! BOLLOCKS!! I KNOW better than to think that way, But it sneaks into my mind and I cant seem to help but to have it sneak in every once in a while.. Its the same stupid shit that happend with david.. I started seeing thins that weren't there between us just because I was lonely and I REALLY wanted sex.. cause sex is AWEsome.. most of the time.. with David.. not so much.. more like 35% of the time it was pretty good.. anyways.. I have to think more about this.. actually thinking more about this is the wrong thing to do.. but thats what I tend to do.. the WRONG thing.

Yanked from the files of Pendergrass!!

Redemption
Category: Life


I sent an email to someone who (I think) hated me or at the very least, tolerated me violently. Over the past few years, I have become adamant about sewing up the loose ends of my childhood. It is more than just "sewing up" loose ends but more of a desire for forgiveness, for whatever transgression I have made in the past. It is said that is easy to hate and hard to forgive but I believe it is harder to ask for forgiveness than to let someone continue to hate you (hate maybe too strong of a word in this particular context). I suppose me asking for the forgiveness of someone who I feel treated me like dirt for something I don't remember or never did is a lesson in futility, but I also believe that trying (with the idea that failure will come faster than success) is equally difficult in the spectrum of hard things to do. Though this blog is more of an afterthought to an email I sent today, I still try and push my philosphy like so many drugs.

My message is meant for one and only one, but I do wish for everyone to learn from it. Do not misunderstand. I am not the same spineless outcast wierdo I used to be. I have a spine (still wierd, a little less outcast) and my resolve in my path has never been stronger. This said, I still am a man on a quest for redemption. I seek forgiveness like a man lost in a desert unsure of where his next drink will come from. Though I do want (badly) forgiveness, I will not strain myself and will accept that fact that a person is free to chose their path willingly and I will discontinue any further notion of said subject. But I will say these things.
Hanging on to guilt is difficult path. Remembering the person we were often leads us to places we wished we had never been. It is like a cloud that hangs over us and occasionally drizzles right after we dry off. Focusing anger and contempt leads to a path from there is no return save redemption from those targeted. Life is too short to contemplate disease for others. Take into consideration the lessons of those wished to change humanity. Every great spiritual leader stressed the importance of tolerance and goodwill. Tolerance of others ways and quirks will enable a freedom to think about your own choices in life. Goodwill is nondestructive when it is purely given and given without return expectation. Imagine helping someone out because you were compelled to. Does the feeling not give you a sense of accomplishment, emotionally and spiritually? Do feel justified in your actions? Is the other person grateful of your actions? Even if the other person is not grateful for your attempt, you can be secure in the knowledge that your intentions were pure and those voices in your head are put at ease for another day. I question my own voices everyday and they lead me to the same conclusion of hope. I hope that one day I will be forgiven. I hope one day I can make friends of my enemies. One of the greatest men that ever lived once said that the greatest form of martial arts is to turn an enemy into a friend. I hope my kung fu works.

Pgrass reflection

I figured it out.. Again!

So I was sittin around my house doing my hair this weekend( cause it needed to be done and because Pen is coming into town at the end of May) and I realized ( yet again) why Mr. David Smith and I would never(ever) mesh well.. I mean as I said before, we could be friends, and we can enjoy partially what the other has to offer, but it could never work out fully and completely.. Why? Well cause he isn't( wasn't) fully comfortable with me, or hisself.. I mean think about it.. after all the time we spent together, Not once did he bust in on me whilst I was in the bathroom, Never did he take a ridiculously huge poo and ask me to gauge its size.. Never did he want to come into the bathroom to keep me company whilst I went( or vice versa).. We were never fully comfortable with each other.. whereas, I was able to hang in the bathroom with Pen whilst he pissed and I did my make-up before we went out an full 2wks after I had met him! I mean it is undeniably odd how I had spent so much time and effort on David, yet when it came down to it, Pendergrass has WAAAY more qualities that I was looking for in a guy than David could ever lay claim to.. IDk..I mean, there were certain things that david had that I enjoyed.. But for some reason, Pen has that irresitable pull that keeps me wanting to t talk to him.. Maybe its cause he is so much younger than I.. I notice that he likes chicks that are waaay to old for him also.. I mean the last stripper girlfriend of his is like 26yrs! I was like.. dude, you like your women old don't you? Pen is Hiliarious to say the least, and I love that we can totally talk about the darkside of things.. and him not be totally uncomfortable about it.. He just tries to talk me out of it.. We both know that it doesn't help, But it makes us both feel better to go about it this way..I was kinda sad that i didn't get to hang out on the phone with him this weekend, but his mommy and his sister were in town visiting.. Huzzah for Him! I finally got rid of all but 2 pictures of David in my phone this weekend.. I was super close to erasing his number yet again, but then I realized that there was no need to do that.. I'm not in that 'desparate to talk to him" phase that I was in before.. Hell i didn't even bother to tell my wife or my sensei that he had left a comment on my blog from myspace.. His importance is fast fading into the backbground.. pretty soon he will be delegated to the 'fondness in thinking' phase.. where I remember goodthings about hime that I will add to the list of what my perfect guy is.. like His Height.. He was beautifully tall!! It was sooo very awesome.. I even liked his body style.. I mean, I thought he could do with just a little more muscle in his arms and his back, but he was delectable( until i realized that there was no power behind his punches).. Ummmm I'm trying to think of anything else good about him.. I'm over the teaching aspect.. I already know that whatever guy I get with will have to have a fabulous taste in music, so thats out..( maybe thats why I'm not all that hung up on Pendergrass, he has pretty horrible tastes in music!) Oh, I guess he was a safe driver.. and he could be smart at the most impressive moments.. not much else good about David Smith.. I guess it was cool that he was sorta athletic.. whateve.. I don't think that there is much else though.. okies.. I gots shit to do folks! Holla at me later!

lyrics for 'The outsider'

Help me if you can
It's just that this, this is not the way I'm wired
So could you please,

Help me understand why
You've given in to all these
Reckless dark desires

You're lying to yourself again
Suicidal imbecile
Think about it, put it on the faultline
What'll it take to get it through to you precious
Over this. Why do you wanna throw it away like this
Such a mess. I don't want to watch you.

Disconnect and self destruct one bullet at a time
What's your rush now, everyone will have his day to die

Medicated, drama queen, picture perfect, numb belligerence
Narcissistic, drama queen, craving fame and all its decadence

Lying through your teeth again
Suicidal imbecile
Think about it, put it on the fautline
What'll it take to get it through to you precious
Go with this, why do you wanna throw it away like this
Such a mess, I don't wanna watch you...

Disconnect and self destruct one bullet at a time
What's your rush now, everyone will have his day to die

They were right about you
They were right about you

Lying to my face again
Suicidal imbecile
Think about it put it on the fautline
What'll it take to get it through to you precious
Over this, why do you wanna throw it away like this
Such a mess, come to this, come to this

Disconnect and self destruct, one bullet at a time
What's your hurry, everyone will have his day to die
If you choose to pull the trigger, should your drama prove sincere,
Do it somewhere far away from here

lyrics from The Package

clever got me this far
then tricky got me in
i am what im after
i dont need another friend
smile and drop the cliche
till you think im listening
take just what i came for
then im out the door again

peripheral on the package
dont care to settle in
time to feed the monster
i dont need another friend
comfort is a mystery
crawling out of my own skin
just give me what i came for











> then im out the door again

lie to get what i came for
lie to get just what i need
lie to get what i crave
lie and smile to get whats mine

i am what im after
dont need another friend
nod and watch your lips move
if you need me to pretend
because clever got me this far
then tricky got me in
i'll take just what i came for
then im out the door again

lie to get what i came for
lie to get what i need now
lie to get what im craving
lie and smile to get whats mine

give this to me
mine, mine, mine
take whats mine
mine, mine, mine
take whats mine
mine, mine, mine


give this to me
take whats mine
mine, mine, mine
take whats mine
give this to me

take whats mine
take whats mine
mine, take whats mine
take whats mine
take whats mine
this is mine
mine, mine (whisper)

life is...

not bad, not good, not ridiculous.. I mean I was talking to one of my co-workers about David, and I told her that I KNOW that David and I aren't meant to be together, But we ARE meant to be friends for life.. Thats honestly all I want. I mean, anything else would be too much or too little. Pendergrass, well he is just a groovy dude. I'm sorta kinda excited to see him at the end of May.. But not overly excited. I totally got my 'dad' to give me the money for my rent.. I haven't talked to him since I was 10yrs! I gave the guilt trip of not having asked anything since I had been 10( and even then I think it was candy that I asked for) So he gave me what I needed plus some!

Like a nijna repelling down from above,

You snuk ur way into my heart... I totally wanna tell Pendergrass that shit, but he isnt answering his phone even though he called and texted me super early this morn.. Kinda like david. Both of them drunk im sure.

Weird! David totally texted me 2 day!

He told me that my issues were i dont wanna live past 30, i was racist, and i didnt like Cali..Shit, Pen said it was cause i didnt want 2 breed, and the 30 thing n cali aint my fav place. Y is it so taboo 2 hate Cali?

So i was super surprised this morning.

Cause i woke up and David had text me. Though im not as freaked out aboot it as when Pen told me he wanted 2 marry me. Cause that shit is creepyfreaky as hell. I told him 2 find a nice white girl 2 marry. He wld be happier.

I mean, we DID just meet saturday nite!

So him traipsing out 2 2son on a whim, seems a lil rushed. As i told him, we can go slow. He Does live in Tempe! What kinda fun wld we be able 2 have. But enough! I dont wanna jinx it. I LIKE this guy! Alot.

Even though he totally needed a shave!

Apparently he thought i was hot 2, even though i was fucked up looking in the pict i sent 2 him. Enough 2 want 2 cum hang out next weekend in 2son with me! Fuckin Awesome! Im not sure that as groovy as that sounds, i want him 2 cum out so soon.

And his body was simply

Rockin! We talked 4 a long time last nite. I had 2 be awake 4 work, and he, he is just fabulous! We dared each other 2 send instant picts of ourselves. I will say that even after being up 4 30+ hrs, he looked like a slice of heaven on a platter!

This weekend was crazy!

The bad? I compromised my values. The good? I had a blast doing it! I met a guy. A hot one! I may have had a small makeout sess with him @ cherry.. And i wasnt even DRUNK!! He is just a hottie! Eyes as blue as saphiers, lips beautiful as a girls.

My new swimsuit!

I cant wait 2 wear my new suit! It will be summer soon and im totally looking 4ward 2 lounging by the pool after work.