If

If he cared, he wld have come over rite? Home alone with the puppy, no alcohol, and no pot. Am i lame, or a grown up? Or just a lame grown up? I knew i was outgrowing him, but, so soon? Tragedy.

so fucking bored

with life.. but as i said before, pandora is doin the damn thing with my music selection.. Hell, i don't even get it this right with my ipod..

Yet again, I act like a cunt!

So, BB called to see if I wanted to hang out, I'm not in a frame of mind to be around his stupid friends or his ineptness of being able to handle me in this mood.. plus i would just feel stupid and ugly cause i have a fever blister, and all the zits that he so duly hates.. Why is it that he still fucks with me? IDK.. If he is so repulsed by the way that i look, then what the fuck is he doing still talking to me? I just don't understand that.. I'm just so damn angry.. and i have no clue why. I wanna cry aboot it, but I've long since lost the ability to do that.. unless I'm crying from laughing really hard.. Now I am listening to 'bodies' by the smashing pumpkins.. its the song that reaches to the very depths of my soul right now, and Goddess bless pandora for playing it!! LoVe Is SuiCidE.. thats just how I feel.. If i had alcohol, I would be so drunk right now.. but i have nothing, nothing, nothing.. no food, no drink, no pot.. nothing to create a vice for myself that would make me forget, even for a little while, how absolutely pointless my exhistence on this earth is, and just how much nobody cares.. why even write this blog? nobody cares, or reads it.. and if they do, they really only do it just because they are bored.. I'm sure we all have something more important that we should be doing than fucking around on the internet.. the internet, just another way for us to waste precious time. I was so mean to BB.. I just can't be nice on the phone to anybody today.. even when my mom called me today, I was bitchy on the phone with her.. but when she got here, I was as great full and as happy to see her as a starving person.. God.. I'm such a loser..

continued from ok..

So since i felt as if the invitation was out of pity and not because he REALLY wanted to hang out with me on new years eve( even though we had already made plans to do so) I declined.. I don't want to be taken out on a pity date.. then he won't have fun, and I wont have fun, and the night would have been a huge disaster.. Plus.. how could he think that I would want to hang out with the loser sk8ers that he hangs with.. ok maybe that was a little harsh and wrong.. but HE is the one who wants to party like of nube fratboy.. I wanna party with more sofisticated and probably way more entertaining people.. ok thats a lie to.. I don't wanna really go any where, just hang out in the house by the fire place.. drink some bubbly stuff, and have a really tame time of it actually.. IDK.. I guess I am getting older.. cause I don't want to go out and get completely shit faced just because its new years.. I figure I will just have to spend this new years like I will spend for the next 3 years.. alone, with my computer.. or just alone.. you know, they say that the person you kiss( or in my case are just with) on new years eve, is the person that you will spend the rest of that year with..The crazy part about it, is that I have always found that to be true.. So again, this year.. I shall be by myself.. cause you know, if he really wanted to hang with me for new years, he wouldn't have let my surly attitude stop him from coming out here.. he would just show up, ready to do nothing but hang with me.. But i guess if I were in his shoes, I would rather leave the spoil sport at home too and go out and get really fucking wasted and then watch all of my friends die in a drunk driving accident that i caused cause i figured that i was sober enough to drive but for got( cause i was wasted) the there are other people out there on the road thinking the same thing, but not as sober.. Ok.. maybe I'm a little bitter because I am forgotten in my little corner of the AZ..But its just wrong.. I ALWAYS have to go see those fucking people at their houses.. because mine is to far they say.. but they forget that I have to drive that shit to see them on a regular basis.. so Fuck it.. as of now, I am alienating myself from all those fucktards.. They could care less what happens to me, so as of now, i hope they all go out to their respective new years eve parties and have just a horrible time.. I hope tami gets called a fat whore, and I hope nelda gets dropped by some super cute blond girl.. I hope nene gets shit on by her dude, i hope brandy gets arrested again, and i hope the same for all their friends! and as for BB.. oh, i hope he has the best time in the world.. and then has to watch his friends die because they were drunk and did something stupid.. Fuck this.. its only riling me up more thinking about it.. I should probably be writing my new years resolution.. Well its the same as every year.. Lose weight, lose friends, become a loner, and make enough money to get all the plastic surgery I want.. yup.. here we go with yet another year.. just 3 more to go.. just 3 more to go.. just 3 more to go.. Fuck it.. maybe I will just tap out early.

Ok,

Ok, so as i walk the puppy, i was doin some thinkin. Like how retarded i was for yelling @ BB the other nite. I apologized (of course) but i cldnt get over the fact that even though he said he wld cum get me, i felt as if it was done out of pity.

MAKE ME SQUIRT!!

so I was on my stumble account, and I came across this video.. if it doesn't show up, then i will put the link to it below..



http://www.redtube.com/2325

I think its the best thing they could cover..

So

So im all outa sorts cause ima loser. The worst kinda loser. Ok so maybe im depressed. I just wanna work. I got twisted thinking i had friends. Stupid girl. Stupid me.

Just

Just want 2 c if it works.

sweeeeeeet!!

Mobile blogging is a go for this girl!! NOW I CAN SEND ALL OF MY PICTS AND SUCH DIRECTLY HERE!! This means whenever I get the hankering to write something, i can do it and send it directly here so that you all can see it! Niiiiiiice!!

Hurrah!!

So my roomy told me that I should have my computer up and running by the end of this weekend! NIIIIIICE! It will be awesome to be able to have my own shit again! But as for this newyears.. I guess I will be kicking it at home all lonely like( as usual) or I guess I could go out to Brians party.. But thats not rerally what I want to do.. I kinda want to be all snuggly with that guy, But That aint gonna happen either.. Okies well I will type more later..

another thought

I think that I want a new type of guy to dATE..I want an asian guy! Thats what i want.. But who knows where I can find one of those at.. I wish that I could just give up and give in.. But I know that thats just not simply possible for me to do.. I just want to cry and be all sad and sappy.. maybe its cause I've been hangig with family ad stressed out cause of my job situation.. But it will all work out.. at least I hope it will.. So bored, but I don't want to go now, cause if I do, then SOMEONE will ask me to take them SOMEWHERE, and I just don't feel like dealing with anyone elses issues.. What i really want to do is get stoned and go for a drive in a car that has a decent stereo system and then lay down in a field somewhere and just stare into the very blue sky.. Listening to some decent trance music and drinking sangria.. Maybe playing with some moon sand.. But whatever.. Its not gonna happen unless I make it happen, so.. But yes, i came to the conclusion that the perfect guy for me would be the type that can read minds.. cause then, I wouldn't have to work overly hARD to get what I want.. Right now, I'm too fucking lazy to try to actually make a relationship work.. But I still want one.. Kinda Lame huh? But I guess That would be me.. ya know, its funny that I think that BB is such a loser, but it seems to me that I'm more of a loser than he is.. Maybe I'm just starting to sip back into my depressive state cause I need to start working.. How does this look, me with no job, and no money, talking shit about how He is a loser.. Yup, I'm an idiot and I'm a loser and i'm lame and I think I will just cut this little forage into self pity short..

this x-masday!

So I was on my myspace.. and she is coming into town on the 16th.. not really excited, and can't really be mad about it either.. cause its not like I have any say in this.. I'm not his girlfriend, so I can't get upset.. But now, how do I react with this information? I mean, I knew i was gonnna have to deal with it at somepoint.. But come on! What Can I do.. absolutely nothing.. So I guess the whole time shes here I have to remain incommunicado.. Thankfully Brian will be back.. That way I can hang out with him, instead of being all worried about BB and his future wife.. I can't hate her, cause she is cool as fuck! But ya know, I guess i could say I'm a little jealous.. I want him all to myself for the next 3 years( some of the time) and I don't like to share my toys.. But whatever.. anywayz.. I'm so glad that this whole holiday season is almost over.. So, now I'm just wondering what I should do for newyears.. I already asked BB to hang with me, But to be honest, I don't think that He would really want to hang anywayz.. to be honest, I'm not really looking to go out.. kinda want to have a nice little get together watching movies, havng some drink, and just chillin out.. but we shall see..

soooooo..

Whats good! Just letting it be out there.. I know what i want, I know what i need.. i want a Someone who can read my mind. That way I can have the perfect guy.. with out the drama or stress.. Then.. I can have the next 3 yrs fun!! Ok that didn't make any sense.. but nuttin is making much sense to me lately.. I enjoyed my night saturday.. it was fun.. and I even got a number from a super cute guy at the bar! But thats neither here nor there.. I had fun.. with the exception of one thing.. the sex(as usual) was not the on and cracking type.. But it was groovy cause He made up for it later on.. But it still was a disappointment.. Then he tried making out with me.. eeeewwww.. But it was still groovy! Ummmm.. so I realized that I refer to all my x's by their middle names in my phonebook.. Weird... But any wayz.. I'm done with these fcking family functions.. I'm so over them.. But Back into the fray i guess.. Oh yeah.. So i talked to BB yesterday, and IDK.. I was feeling antsy and so I sorta picked a fight.. then i hung up.. But I know that I was in the wrong.. I can't help it.. Hes slow and a boy and acts like such A GIRL, THAT I CAN'T HELP BUT TO FUCK WITH HIM EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE.. Hes sooo damned concerened about what what I feel, that it affects his performance, with makes me say and write scathing remarks about or to him.. But its his fault for being so sensetive.. at least thats what I think..

just a small update!!

So it has been a weird couple of weeks.. I have a new job, but it doesn't start until the 7th of january.. fucking impossible!!But better than nuthing! And this weekend, I am supposed to be going to this super awesome formal holiday party with this guy.. I got a super groovy dress and then we found him a co-ordinating suite to go with it.. he should look like a fine piece of arm candy.. But then he was talking about making it and extremley "WHITE" xmas! Meaning that he wants to do a little nose candy.. I'm not down with that, but if thats what he wants to do... I just don't want him to get all weird n shit if he does it.. maybe I'm putting too much stock into this whole weekend night thing.. Its ok I guess... But well, I'm super nervous about how it will turn out. Plus this whole new development with Brian is kinda perplexing.. I have always said that I would never get back with an ex.. but I have also said that the relationship that he and I had was waaaaay before our time.. It should have been like 2yrs ago instead of 8yrs ago.. But since it happened when we were 19, and now that we are 26, it may be better.. obviously all his cockblocking with his boy sean was because he still likes me.. he even hit on me the last time I was at his house.. something about smoking the bud(pot) that I masturbated with(hypothetically).. I guess its called Goddess bud.. I mean I was flattered and all, but it was kinda cheesey, But lucky for him, I like cheesy pick up lines.. plus.. he is the original blue-eyed god of my dreams.. He ALWAYS gets 1st dibs.. ok maybe not, But He is a super cute guy who makes mulaugh and has a big cock and likes the mary J.. Hes cool and laid back and pretty funny.. but hes not tall like BB, or awkward like BB or as focused on other things.. wait.. now who sounds like a made in heaven match.. How is it that BB is so far from what I want, but I like him the most.. IDK.. I guess though that we shall see how things go tomorrow when I hang out with my Brian.. I'm going to help him pick out an xmas present for his mother.. It should be fun.. I am irritated cause ever since BB moved to his new place, i hear from him less and less.. we have been reduced to texting hi and other such short nonsensical messages.. Now he is texting me about hanging out.. which means he probably wants to break in his new bed.. which I'm ok with.. But still.. one cant but hope for something more.. But my face is still all super broke out.. well not as bad as it was before, but still pretty bad.. I'm not so sad faced to have brian see me like this.. But since BB made a point to say that My bad skin is like the worst.. and that that is the only thing that he would change about me.. I guess That I should be happy.. but it would have to be something that I cant change no matter what.. Lame.. maybe i'm being over sensitive..

Dontcha just luv it..

When things come together for you? They say that everthing happens for a reason.. well.. i'm a firm believer in that.. I olost my job, But got a new one, Lost whom i thought was the love of my life( but found my true one) and because of my errant ways, forgot how fun my life was before i got soo caught up in bullshit.. Now, i feel free.. i feel as if i have been given a second chance.. i have found the person who cares for me, who puts me at the top of their list EVERYTIME.. Crazy thing, is that this person has been right infront of my face this whole time I was searching for the perfect person.. Now that i've recognized it, I see what they are all aboot( which is me, myself and I) it makes my heart sing in relief.. I thought I would have never found such loyalty, such dedication, such drive to make me better.. No matter what the cost.. I am In LOVE!! Yes!! In love!! and it makes me cry to know that I only have 3yrs to give this person.. But they are so dedicated.. they just grinn and say.." we shall see how you feel at the end of those 3 yrs" and then fucks me til my arms, back,and legs give out, and i'm lying gasping for breath and totally satiated.. Ah-ma-zing what a little soul searching can bring up huh? You spend the majority of your life looking for that one person that will treat you as good as you would treat yourself.. and then you realize.. that they were right there all along.. Everytime you look in the mirror.. The best sex, the best jokes, the best of everything.. but they were also there for you during the worst moments of your life.. Its yourself.. and if people think I'm wierd for being SOOOOO in love with myself.. then they have really low expectations and probably think that marriage and kids is the epitome of coolness.. little do they know that the person you marry, 9 times out of 10, would never give their life for yours as an even exchange.. But I would do it for myself.. Now that I have somebody just for me.. all for me.. I have to figure out someother shit.. but with my #1 on my side.. it shouldn't be to hard.. Now, I'm gonna go have ruff sex with myself now.. so, if you will excuse me..

apparently me in a nut shell( so they say)

You Are Boyish Sexy

You're the kind of girl who gets along with all the boys Whether it's holding your own in a game of touch football... Or kicking some major butt while playing Xbox. You hang with the guys easily, while still keeping your girly sexiness.

What Kind of Sexy Girl Are You?

Poster of a Girl..

I know that you don't like your reality
I know that you don't like your reality
You know that I don't like my reality
I know that you don't like your reality
You know that I don't like my reality
We cannot make up the truth

I know that you don't like your reality
I know that you don't like your reality

I detest sleeping alone
Poster of a girl
Portrait of a lady
Poster of a girl

Satisfy myself
Avoid the amateurs
Those who look to shut me up
Until I go home with one of them
When I know the feeling of
Looking for the bright side
Portrait of a lady
Poster of a girl

I know that you don't like your reality
I know that you don't like your reality
We can't make up the truth
You know that you don't like your reality
I know that you don't like your reality

This Doesn't Bode Well..

So I've Lost my Job.. And it sucks I must say.. But i kinda knew that it was coming.. But whateve.. I guess its a good thing that I can bounce back realitively fast.. Then onn my way out, my car broke down.. I got it fixed, but it still sucks that that happend.. After I did that, I went to my Wifeys and smoked some grrrreat shit then I got on the phone with the Mkesn rep and got another job.. However, I was thinking that I should just start working at mssge envy and go back to school like I said I was going to do.. Then become a pharmacist and work at a rival store to take down CVS/CareMark!!! Mwahahahahahahahahaha!! J/k.. I wont do a thing like that.. I wish them all peace and harmony and the american dream. May they Live forever... so anywayz.. BB texed me at like 11pm to tell me, How did he put it? Oh yes.." Your Blogs are informative..." How.. Informative of him to tell me these things.. Now I didn't know what to make of this, so I wrote back.."they have to be. I'm one of the rare few that actually DOES come with instructions." But I'm constantly being told by guys that I have dated that I read too much into what they say.. Which goes to say that if they really cared, they would know this about me and not give me things to read soo much into.. but whateve.. Now, I'm gonna do Mindless shit on the internet for a while.. At least I don't have to go to work tomorrow..

I think I figured it out..

So BB decided that after taking a hiatus from reading my blogs, that he would start again..apparently he missed a lot of important information while he was on hiatus.. But thats his own fault..Anyways.. after some careful thought, I figured that the best way to just leave him alone, is to just start fucking another guy.. So now, I have the option of rushing it with sean, or there is this other guy shawn that one of my clear girls thinks would be right up my alley.. Then there is Jeremy( my future husband) and I'm sure I could just start fucking a couple of different people to get my mind off him.. But I'm not that type of girl.. It will probably just end up being one of the shawns.. I guess I could start fucking brian again, but why do that to myself? Plus I think i just think these things, just because I'm angry at myself for getting a little to attatched to BB.. He was just supposed to be a fuck buddy, the rebound guy for Mr.Cuddlepants, not anything necessary to my life( except for his actual friendship).. And he could still be that way.. I just gotta man-up and stop being so fucking lazy and find someone else to fuck.. So Starting saturday.. Thats my goal.. Saturday, I have a date with sean and then, if things don't work out, I will be headed to the other shawns..I'm easy.. No need to get all liquored up in shit to do it.. I'm on a fucking mission.. Hell the guy could be a scrub.. Not looking for anyone special, just a distraction.. But we shall see.. Gotta figure out how this whole period thing is gonna work out.. My period is like finding out I was with child.. I kinda figured that i was, But It was still a surprise.. So tonight on my way home from work, some dumb cunt cut me off trying to go from the 101 to the 60.. Me being the road rage driver that I am, Was incredibly pissed off. especially since she had ample room to just slow the fuck down and get behind me, instead of speeding up to get in front of me with a gynormous suv in the space that my little mazda wouldn't even fit into.. Needless to say, I had to slam on my brakes( did I mention that there was a FUCKTON of room behind me!) Just cause she HAD to get in.. To do what.. to go 60mi/ hr on the fucking FREEWAY when the speed limit is 65!!! Oh yeah did I mention that there was NOBODY FUCKING BEHIND ME when this cunt did this? So I followed her ass.. I followed her all the way out to right about apache junction before she FInally pulled over.. So I got out, and told her how disappointed i was in her driving by banging on her window and telling her to get the FUCK out the car.. She felt like Wonder woman when she cut me off, where was all her fucking gusto now? I told her that she was lucky that I didn't have a gun, or else I would have blown her fucking brains out!! Hell I did indeed have a nigga moment or as dave chappelle said I kept it real.. Thankfully It didn't go too wrong.. I even backed out so that the Bitch couldn't see my licsence plate.. I told her that is she was going to continue to drive like a retarded whore trying to give a blow job and drive at the same time, i could make it happen for her.. But she would have to get out of the car.. so of course she looked all scared and then dialed 911.. but i told her, unless she was going to tell them the reason WHY she got followed, then to just hang up the phone and take her ass whoopin like a real woman should.. Of course she declined.. Finally I left and now I'm home.. Irritated at myself and at that fucking whore for wasting my gas because she was impatient to go NO FUCKING WHERE.. LAme!! Plus BB didn't call or leave a msg of any kind to let me know what he thought of the blogs.. i guess It is an awful lot to take in.. But actions speak louder than words..He is probably out doing what he loves most in this world anyways.. (hanging with YOUNG ass kids) Eating pizza and drinking fucking sugar free red bulls, while they try to come up with new ways to bust their skulls to the white meat.. FUCK THEM ALL!! I'm going to bed.

LONG TIME: LOOOOONG TIME..

sO i ASKED FOR THE DAY OF AND THE MONDAY AFTER MY B-DAY OFF.. wHY? SO THAT i COULD I GUESS GO SEE THE CHILD.. I FIGURE THAT IF I WORK MY ASS OFF FOR DECEMBER, AND JANUARY, THEN i WILL BE ABLE TO AFFORD TO RENT A VEHICLE AND A HOTEL ROOM OUT IN COLORADO.. BUT WE SHALL SEE.. i THINK THAT ALL THIS TIME AT WORK IS STARTING TO GET TO ME.. LIKE ALL KINDS.. CANT SEEM TO CONCENTRATE WHILST I'M HERE.. BB CALLED ME LAST NIGHT.. AND SINCE I DIDN'T ANSWER, HE TEXED ME.. I DIDN'T RESPOND BACK.. I KEEP HOPING THAT IT WILL WORK OUT BETWEEN THE BOTH OF US.. I WANT HIM TO ASSERT HIMSELF AND TAKE ME IF HE WANTS ME.. BUT SINCE THATS NOT WHAT HE IS ABOOT, I FIGURE HE DOESN'T DESERVE ME..MY ONLY HOPE IS THAT BY MY B-DAY, SEAN AND I WILL BE A LITTLE CLOSER TO EACH OTHER AND HE WILL GO WITH ME TO COLORADO TO SEE THE CHILD AND THAT WAY I CAN SHOW HIM OFF TO CASEYS' FAMILY.. IT WOULD BE NICE TO BE ABLE TO DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT.. BUT WE SHALL SEE.. I COULDN'T REALLY SHOW BB OFF TO CASEYS' FAMILY, CAUSE CASEY WOULDN'T BELIEVE THAT I COULD BE WITH SUCH AN INTROVERT, AND ACTUALLY BE HAPPY.. BUT I GUESS IT SHOULDN'T BE ABOUT WHAT OTHERS THINK.. HOWEVER, THE LONGER THAT THIS DRAGS ON, THE MORE I SEE THINGS THAT I JUST DONT HAVE THE TIME OR THE PATIENCE TO CHANGE.. SO I WILL LET HIM GO.. I THINK I HAve TRAINED HIM WELL ENOUGHT TO BE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS LOWER STANDARDS THAN I. OKIES.. WELL BACK TO WORK IT IS MY FRIENDS.. BACK TO WORK IT IS!