Its Happening yet AGAIN!!

I was shopping yesterday, and I started thing about what clothes would look good on him.. wanting to By Pen Stuff is not my idea of being a healthy person.. unless you were his Mom or his Girlfriend.. of which i am neither.. and to be honset, I have no desire to be Either of those things.. I was at the store looking for shit for myself, and ended up in the mens department.. Really, I was just lopoking for cheap t-shirts for myself to work in, but I ended up looking at shit and thinking about what HE would like and what would fit him.. BAAAAAAAD place to be! I had to consciencely make myself stop thinking about that shit1 I realized that its the same bullshit that was Happening with David.. I didn't really like the guy in that way.. but lack of diversions had me thinking more and more about 'What If'.. I don't like this one bit.. I mean I can see how Pen and I would make more sense than David and I EVER could, But thats not what i want.. I LIKE having Pen as a friend.. and in order for us to keep the amicability going, there will have to be no sex, or seriously intimate convos.. which is going to be hard as shit cause I like having those types of conversations with him.. Hell to be completely honset, I think that if David could talk to me like Pen talks to me, then I would be able to justify why it took me soooo long to get around the fact that David and I are no more.. But Thats not how it works.. I've only met 1 near perfect guy.. and thats CASEY SEAN STEWART.. So in love with him pstill to this day.. Just unfortunate that he has the child to dictate his life from now until the end of time.. or else I would totally be down for getting back with him.. but I know that since he has the horrible child, there is no more fun left in him.. I find that alot when it come to people who are parents.. its like having kids steals their fun gene.. or their joy.. I guess its one and the same when you think about it. All the parents I know try to explain it away as growing up or getting older or priorities changing.. They try to say that having these fucking funsuckers is fulfilling and think to talk down or look down upon those of us who realize that having kids SUKS!! Its no fun.. and having them smile at you for a brief moment doesn't make up for the 30yrs of pain that they inevitably bring into your life.. I think I will start writing a book about why people should NOT have kids.. I realize that the people I work with in Tucson are WHITE TRASH!! and those who aren't are NIGGERS or fucking MEXICANS.. and I hate ALL 3 of those groups!! Why is it that I know that I wouldn't be happy being in either one of those groups, but it seems as if they are obliviously happy with thier shitty exhistence? Is it cause they are so oblivious? What I wouldn't give to be completley oblivious to all the bull shit!! Maybe thats why I get high.. cause then I can sleep and totally ignore the pain of KNOWING that my life is shite cause I don't fit into any groups.. Like Pendergrass, I can see him living comfortably in middleclass white trash hell, like my sisters are completely ok living like Niggers.. and others prefer to live like the squallid Mexicans that i know.. Same goes for all of my friends.. I just don't know where to turn.. Why Am I the only one who sees just how hopeless this all is? Whay am I the only one who realizes that no matter what we do, we will always be our roots.. I fight and scratch to do better, and I get knocked back to where I am now? It hurts my brain and squeezes my heart..