Self-sandbagging

That Tears it!! I am officially a Sad Sadistically Narcissistic person.. I'm totally serious! I set myself up to fall on my face.. In EVERYTHING!! I just don't understand why I do it.. Maybe thats why I hate life so much.. I'm constantly looking for ways to Fuck my OWN shit up all kinds! And I do it subconsciencely!! I honestly don't realize I'm doing it until I've done it, then its too late to take back what I've said, or done.. I just don't know why.. why.. why.. why... Anyways.. I (hopefully(here comes sandbag 1)) talked Pen into seeing his stripper girlfriend/future roomate when he comes to visit in May.. I REALLY had to talk him into doing it.. Then I get off work and(sandbagg 2) we talk about all things groovy as usual.. ending with a delightful idea of guy trying to get sex from his live-in girlfriend and girlfriend brutally rebuffing guy for humping her leg( or reaching over to unceramoniously to grope the Fuck out of her) and the guy deciding that 1st and foremost, he needs to get off.. right then and there.. so instead of getting up and taking it to the bathroom, guy decides to fap one off right next to girl in bed.. Then we got sorta goofy with it( I got goofy 1st!) I said that I would be the type of girl to sit and stare at guy whilst he did that( how creepy would it be to have someone stare at you at 1st hatefully, then incredibly, then hotly as you try to fap one off.. on top of that include beings asked repeatedly if you were going to come yet..) he said that he would be the type of guy that would aim toward girls face that was watching , just to get back.. I said that i would act like I want it, then just before he came, I'd get up and run screaming from the bedroom hoping to kill his moment.. He said that he would chase girl around house furiously beating his cock and shouting that he was going to cum.. Ok so maybe to you guys( whoever still reads this shit) it doesn't sound like much.. but you gotta think of the intimacy that 2 people would have to have with each other for this to be just a rip-roaring good time.. or even just part of 4-play.. Its part of keeping things steamy and hot in the bedroom.. where I would think that after being chase all around the house like that, and laughing the whole time.. you would'nt actually end up in the bedroom, but someplace totally out of the ordinary in-out place that you do it in.. like on top of the Kitchen table, or with your head inside the Refridgerator.. you know.. just a lil spice.. and whilst thinking of crazy-fun ways to spice up a relationship is all well and good for me, it makes me wonder if I will ever be in a relationship that is good enough to support the ideals I have.. I mean, with the intimacy issue, I haven't had a very decent track record.. I mean besides Casey and Brian, there hasn't been much in the way of "fun" in the Bedroom.. and that was pretty much all Casey, cause Brian is a 'You on top', 'from the back' kind of guy.. Very boring and Very Passe.. Just cause you got a huge cock doesn't mean that you can be lazy!! But anyways.. Just thinking about how much fun that would be got me a little morose.. I guess it would also had to do with the fact that I thought it up with PENDERGRASS of all people!! Just like the whole 'sitting in the empty tub and painting my toenails whilst he takes a dump on the toilet next to me' thing.. I mean, technically I've done that last bit before( Ok maybe I didn't paint my toenails, but I was shaving my legs.. and perhaps I was sitting on the sink at the time, but whateve!) But it sucks when you think about just How Close two people have to be for something like that to transpire.. OH God!! What If I fall for Pen?!?!?!! and all my careful cajoling and telling him to man up and figure out what he wants from his stripper GF/ future roomate, and to be with her if thats what he wants and to work things out cause thats best, comeback to bite me in the ass?!?! BOLLOCKS!! I KNOW better than to think that way, But it sneaks into my mind and I cant seem to help but to have it sneak in every once in a while.. Its the same stupid shit that happend with david.. I started seeing thins that weren't there between us just because I was lonely and I REALLY wanted sex.. cause sex is AWEsome.. most of the time.. with David.. not so much.. more like 35% of the time it was pretty good.. anyways.. I have to think more about this.. actually thinking more about this is the wrong thing to do.. but thats what I tend to do.. the WRONG thing.