another weekend dunzo!

ok.. so this weekend started off on the wrong foot.. i mean, i got to davids house, and the levels of connection were off even then.. it could have very possibly been my fault( i was getting ready to rag) but i wasn't bitchy or overly clingy or anything.. just felt disconnected with him. he even reproached me for calling him lame in front of the waiter because he didn't want vegetables with his potatoes.. idk.. it wasWIERD.I was just f*cking with him.. and he got all super but hurt..then we went and rented a movie(ATHF!!) but it was actually pretty boring.. and we went to try to fool around and he was lame.. i had to handle it myself.. then i left super early to go out to CG and i got to hang with my mom and vette and did some yoga and some shopping(grocery and clothing) and then I called him to see if he wanted to have dinner.. so we went topeter piper and had a blast(that part was super fun!) then we went to target so that i could get cds and it was weird there while looking in the mens section for clothing.. so we got cds( i also got these super cool sock/slipper type things) and went to his house to go watch a movie( the devils little helper) the movie was a super cool lame c-horror movie( god i love those). we watched it then went to his room to burn my cd( i just asked him to put some music on there that he thinks I would like( besides the obvious misfits and lil wyane ) and he put some rocking tunes on the cd.. well we started fooling around, and he got a charlie horse in the middle of doing it( i guess its not the middle of doing it cause after that, 'doing it' was pretty much over).. then i got on the computer to check my mail and stuff and add picts and whatever else you do online.. and i was typing a msg to one of my friends and he was trying to sleep.. he pretty much snapped at me to knock off the typing, so i was like, ok.. It wasn't even 2am yet on a saturday night and every one in the house was pretty much asleep! BOOOOOOOOOOOORING!!! I was awake like super milk chan and so I got my sh*t together to get the F*uck out of there.. but ( because I had been drinking) I kept forgeting stuff. so he ended up waking up and was like 'what are you doing.?' I told him that I was leaving since it wasn't fair that everyone was asleep and iwas still up and rarin to go, so I was going to leave.. but I couldn't find that face for my radio.. but i went tomy car and saw that I had alrady packed it in my stuff, so I just texed him from my car that I found it.. he text me back saying to have fun and be safe.. i sd ok(i think) and drove off. I got down the street realized that I was waaaaaay to drunk to be driving and parked my car and slept in the back seat until about 5am, then I drove the rest of the way home, did laundry and cleaned my room.. then took a nap and then my sensei called, so I met up with him to had a drink and sushi and to talke and hang out.. then I went home and fell asleep.. boy was this weekend ever sh*itty.. i mean for david and I.. other than that, it was a wonderful weekend and I got all my stuff pretty much taken care of.. but it was still wierd.. David texed me like around 4ish to ask how my day was going and I didn't text him back.. I think that this is most definately then end of our time together.. mainly because I feel so incredibly disconnected from him.. I mean I miss him, and i had hoped it would work out, but obviously its not going to.. I want him to make the grand gesture, but because of who he is, i'm sure it won't be forthcoming.. and since i'm just gonna off myself on my 30th b-day, i don't see any point in trying to get anything more started .. cause i'm just gonna kill myself whether or not I'm happy or having dire issues.. living is all relative, so living each day like its your last, is the best thing that I can do.. checking out early seems to be the only way to ensure that i don't prolong my suffering.. you know, getting old and ungly and fat.. the only reason I'm so conscience about how i look now, is because when i have my funeral, I don't want to look all sloppy in my casket.. however, if i plan on jumping and becoming street pizza, i may not look nice anyways.. but the pictures that i will be in right before I die, will be super sexy and hot and cute and all of that.. so people will remeber me as being the hot, crazy chick that wanted to do herself in at 30yrs.. slowly but surely i am becoming super toned and in shape.. this whole working out thing isn't so bad.. yes I am sore in places that probably shouldn't be, but thats just cause they haven't been USED IN A LOOOONG TIME.. BUT ITS OK.. i'M TOTALLY GONNA MISS THINGS ABOUT BEING ALIVE, BUT I'M NOT TO WORRIED ABOUT IT.. Change is supposed to be good right? thats what I was trying to explain to David, but he doesn't seem to understand.. since i guess i have such vastly different values as what he has, it makes since as to what I would find acceptable versus what he would find accepable.. anyways one of the songs that he put on the cd that he made for me is called 'Love Hangover' I think that song aptly describes what I feel about my whole life.. I mean cause with David, i thought i felt something just like I thought I 'felt something' with casey, and john, and brian, and irving and sean and all the others that i have dated.. but when everything is said and done.. i have felt nothing but jovilaty in regards to them.. All just passing fancies.. no real hard hitting recognition of "this guy is for me" well with the exception of casey.. but we see how that worked out.. If I wasn't completely repelled by how fat he is, then mabye we could make a go of it, but eeeeeewwwww!! I refuse to get fat.. plus he probably want like more kids and such, and I'm just not down for wrecking my body yet again for an ungrateful holy terror!! the child is more than enough.. and I still am not looking forward to being in her life.. cause I can already see her becoming a fat whore.. I just really want someone who understands.. someone who can stand on their own 2 feet, someone who never needs my help but is always willing to help me( not really others, just me) .. somebody cute, and tall and of middle build and lightly muscled, and has a fasinating hobby and has a 7 1/2 incher with gorgeous blue eyes and dark hair and incredibly plae skin the tans beautifully when out side, that has great fashion sense and is funny and intelligent and my complete equal in almost every way( except finacially, he has to be waaaay above me).. that, well that would make me want to continue living in this world, to be able to find my ideal without having to change what i'm looking for or make acceptions for stuff that I know I would never be able to get over, it would probably just irritate me if I had to try to change him to what i wanted.. i mean, I don't want somebody trying to change me from my habits and ways, so why would I try to change another person? it would be completely unfair! God! I'm gonna miss looking at Davids Gorgeous blue eyes, and just speaking with him, and he did open my eyes to alot of new things.. to be honest, I am completely ah-mazed that it didn't work out between us.. it was almost completely perfect.. but I guess with the both of us being soo much alike, Maybe thats why it didn't work out.. But we will never know.. I think I'm just looking for a guy who will make the grand gesture for me.. ya know, the whole knight in shining armore routine... send me flowers at work, find my car and put flowers on them, call or text me in the middle of the day just to see how my day is going.. make me cds with kick ass new music that he knows I would like.. take me out for a nice dinner like once a month, and pizza and beer or sushi or india or greek food, with out a grimace on his face.. I don't understand why I keep meeting these guys who don't like vegetables... I mean Casey was like the only guy i could get to try something new.. hell he turned me on to sooo many new things.. I guess I'm looking for someone who can TEACH ME! I guess thats another thing I was done with, being the teacher with David was fun for a moment, but when your student stops wanting to learn whatever it is you teach theM, then its pretty much saying that your time together is up and it is time to move on.. I guess its a good thing that I DIDN'T meet his mom, cuase if I had and then liked her, it would have made this soooo much harder.. I mean the more I think about it,the more I think that he is having a hard time coming to terms with moving back with his mother, and so he is pushing me away beacuse of it.. i guess i should thank him for making it easier for me to move on,but oh how i will miss him..so very much.. I guess when you are in a relationship you are supposed to stick together through tough and easy times, but since we made it a POINT TO NOT start an actual realtionship with each other.. cause I swear, if he was my bf, then I would have made a point to figure something out so that we could spend time together.. i guess it would have been hotels r us for the month that he was living with his mom, or even..JUST WAIT LIKE WE DID WHEN I WENT TO GA.. WE WILL SEE HOW THIS ALL TURNS OUT I GUESS.