FEELING WAAAAY DOWN

SO I'M FEELING A LITTLE DOWN TODAY..NOT IN THE BEST OF MOODS, AND I EVEN WORKED OUT.. I'M NOT GONNA LIE, I DO SORTA MISS DAVID(IF THAT IS HIS REAL NAME) AND I GUESS I JUST WONDER IF HE IS GOING THROUGH WITHDRAWLS LIKE I AM.. GRANTED IT HAS BEEN LESS THAN A WEEK, AND I GUESS I SHOULD WAIT UNTIL AFTER THE WEEKEND TO SEE HOW EVERYTHING GOES.. BUT I THINK I'M MORE PISSED ABOUT THE FACT THAT THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE HIS WEEKEND TO PAY FOR SHIT.. YOU KNOW, SO I WOULDN'T BE DOING WHAT I'M GONNA BE DOING THIS WEEKEND, WHICH IS SITTING AROUND MY ROOM STARING AT THE TV INGESTING LARGE AMOUNTS OF ALCOHOL BY MYSELF, WHILE LISTENING TO SAD PUNK ROCK MUSIC THAT HE BURNED FOR ME.. ALL THE WHILE JUST HOPING I COULD GET A LITTLE EMOTION OUT OF MY SYSTEM BY CRYING.. EATING TONS OF CHEESE CRISPS AND NACHOS AND YOGURT AND FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF CAUSE I HAVE NO FUN MONEY BUDGETED CAUSE HE WAS MY FUN TIME.. I MEAN, JUST TO GET AWAY AND HANG WITH HIM(EVEN IN HIS ROOM WATCHING HIM TAPP AWAY AT THE COMPUTER) i THINK i'M STARTING TO HATE THE WEEKENDS.. bUT AT THE SAME TIME, I CAN TAKE A PROACTIVE APPROACH AND JUST GO RUNNING ALL DAY UP AND DOWN THE STREETS.. MABYE I WILL RUN IN THE MORNING, SLEEP DURING THE AFTERNOON, RUN AT NIGHT, AND THEN DRINK TIL I PASS OUT, THEN DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN.. I MEAN, ITS ONLY 2NIGHTS AND 2DAYS RIGHT? CAUSE TONIGHT, I WILL JUST DRINK UNTIL I PASS OUT, THEN WAKE-UP TOMORROW, GO RUNNING, DO LAUNDRY, AND THEN NAP, THEN DRINK TIL I PASS OUT AGAIN, THEN WAKE-UP GO RUNNING, FINISH CLEANING MY ROOM, AND GET MY STUFF TOGETHER TO WORK ANOTHER WEEK.. HOPEFULLY MAYBE IN BETWEEN THOSE, I CAN TALK MY SENSEI INTO COMING OVER TO MI CASA TO HELP FIX LA COMPUTERA.. CAUSE THAT WOULD BE JUST SUPER-DUPER COOL!! i WOULD LOVE TO HAVE A COMPUTER TO BE ABLE TO YOU KNOW, DO THINGS ON.. i BET i COULD GET HIM TO COME OVER FOR THE SIMPLE FACT THAT MY ROOMY IS ASIAN, AND BOY DOES HE LOOOOOVE ASIAN WOMEN! I DON'T KNOW.. ANYTHING TO BREAK-UP THE MONOTONY OF TIME GOING TICK-TOCK.. AND NOT HAVING ANYTHING TO DO.. JUST PURE BOREDOM ALL DAY EVERY DAY.. I (SURPRISINGLY) FEEL LIKE CRYING, JUST BURSTING OUT INTO TEARS.. MAYBE ITS CAUSE I WAS SO SHOCKED BY HIS ADMISSION AND NOW, I'M NOT SO SHOCKED, JUST ANGRY, AND HURT, AND PISSED AND, VENGEFUL, AND SAD, AND EVERYOTHER EMOTION THAT YOU GO THROUGH WHEN YOU FOUND THAT YOU HAVE BEEN BETRAYED.. i WANT TO HATE HIM, I TRUELY DO.. BUT ITS SO HARD TO DO THAT WHEN MY HEART HURTS FOR SOMETHING I THOUGHT I HAD, BUT NEVER DID.. AM I REALLY THAT GULLIBLE? THAT STUPID? THAT IGNORANT THAT I ACTED LIKE A LOVE STRUCK GIRL? RUSHING INTO THINGS, EVEN THOUGH I KNEW THAT I NEEDED TO HOLD BACK, MAKING PLANS TO HELP AND TO HOLD AND TO CARE AND TO LOVE A PERSON WHO DIDN'T RECIPROCATE.. mY FRIENDS SWEAR THAT HE IS A LOSER, AND DOESN'T DESERVE ME AND THAT I CAN DO BETTER AND THAT I'M BETTER OFF WITHOUT HIM.. FACT IS, DO I CARE IF THATS ALL TRUE? NOPE! i WANT WHAT I WANT.. THS CRAZY PART ABOOT IT IS THAT I DON'T KNOW IF I WANT HIM BACK TO TRY AGAIN, OR IF I WANT HIM BACK TO DO MEAN THINGS TO HIM FOR MAKING ME FEEL THIS WAY! HEILL AT THIS POINT.. ITS NOT BECAUSE OF SEX THAT I WANT HIM, BUT FOR THE EMOTIONAL SECURITY, FOR THE STATUS OF HAVING SOMEBODY THERE, SOMEONE TO TALK TO AND TO HUG AND TO LOOK AT AND TO TELL ME IM PRETTY.. BUT I GUESS THE WHOLE TALKING THING IS RETARDED, CAUSE ITS NOT AS IF WE ACTUALLY HAD LIKE MEANINGFUL CONVOS ON THE PHONE OR ANYTHING.. I MEAN, I HAVE HAD BETTER CONVERSATIONS WITH MYSELF.. I GUESS THATS UNFAIR THOUGH CAUSE I AM MY OWN BEST FRIEND AND TO ME, I AM THE COOLEST THING IN THE WORLD.. HELL SOMEBODYS' GOT TOTHINK THE WORLD OF ME.. IF NOT ME, THEN WHO ELSE? OBVIOUSLY NOT DAVID JAMES SMITH( IF THAT IS HIS REAL NAME) f*CKING CANADIANS! BY THE EYETOOTH OF NATAS!! I AM JUST AN EMOTIONAL WRECK RIGHT NOW!! SO UP AND DOWN AND ALL OVER THE PLACE.. I COULD CHALK IT UP TO BEING ON THE RAG, BUT THIS IS SOOOOO MUCH MORE THAN THAT.. MY BODY IS SORE, I FEEL FAT AND I WORE THE WRONG PANTS TODAY, SO I HOPE I DON'T GET INTO TROUBLE.. I TOLD MY MANAGER THAT I WILL TRY TO STAY HIDDEN AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE.. BUT NATAS ONLY KNOWS HOW LONG I CAN GO WITH OUT GETTING UP AND MOVING ABOOT AND STUFF.. I WONDER IF I WILL REMAIN IN THIS MELANCHOLY MOOD ALL DAY, OF IF I WILL PER UP LATER ON..