a Blast from the past blog... read at your own risk!!

the weekend windup.. why I am chickenshit..


So this weekend went.. well it went sorta weird.. I found myself all extra stressed out about how i felt aboot his davidness.. So yesterday I did something aboot it.. after I got my place, and after he got his oh-so-super new car.. I went to his house, got my severance pop(can you believe he didn't know what that was?)and made sure I didn't leave any of my random shit behind( except for the topping book, my gift to him) and now, I'm changing my phn.. Those of you whom are privledged enough to get the new .. feel special.. causeI don't think i will even give this to my family.. I thinkI kinda need to find a whole new fan base.. I didn't sleep well last night, but what can I say? I am a stupid bitch with WAAAAAY too many skeletons in her closet.. I miss him already.. but real talk.. it wouldn't make any difference what I want, and how I feel has no bearing on the fact that this whole thing was doomed from the start.. I mean, you can't meet someone on the internet and live happily ever after.. it just doesn't work that way.. If you haven't already met the person you are supposed to spend the rest of your life with, then you are doing something completely wrong.. In my defense, however, I've been doomed to live and die alone since I was born.. When your to afraid to take chances cause you know how it most certainly will end up, you tend to run screaming bloody murder in the opposite direction.. no matter how deeply you feel.. I mean I spoke with my wifey aboot these uber weird feelings that I was having.. I told her that I had started acting like those silly cunts, that I have absolutely no patience for.. listening to silly sappy sad love songs, acting all clingy and pissy.. beilieving that no matter what, all things will work out.. then I got a huge dose of reality.. when I saw how I acted on saturday, and then that night being invited over and then feeling completely crushed when I was told to not come over to hang out.. not only that, but just being told that he was going to sleep, and realizing that more than anything, all I wanted to do is be in the same bed, cuddled up.. ok so more disturbing was the thought that I would not have even minded if there was no sex involved.. I knew that is was waaaaaaaay past time for me to put these silly notions of well, silliness to death.. I have to get rid of these super odd feelings permenantly.. so I figured that you can't want something you never, ever see.. Has no bearing on him.. I mean, I know I like him( more than I should) and that even though he is completely immature and my friends don't think he is overly attractive( like I care!) and He is not EVERYthing I'm looking for.. it just feels right.. but feeling right means settling.. and since I am a complete commitmentphobe, I run.. I run fast I run hard and I try not to look back for fear of being sucked back into the monotony of being placed not 1st, but 6th or 7th or 8th on someones list of most important things.. He even told me, you want to have all the girlfriend privledges, only without the title.. But the title just makes it sooo final. then last night( after some great severance pop sex) we talked about me not wanting to live past my 30th b-day.. The more he spoke, the more I realized that I have no talent.. ok I have talent, but no drive to commit to doing something great.. I just wanted to yell at him that Just because he is destined for greatness( if he gets the right support) he can't expect for EVERYBODY to be. Cause if everybody had the option to be super.. no one would be different.. I'm not gonna lie.. I said the (L) word on saturday to my wifey.. she agreed and then proceeded to grill me until.. well until I felt sure that if anything, I should be fair to him and let him go.. Cause who (in their right mind)would want to be with someone as completely fucked-up in the head as I? I mean, I know that as soon as I hit 30.. I'm commiting suicide.. Cause I feel as if there is nothing left after that.. I would never be comfortable being in a true relationship, and I'm not as cool as I make myself out to be. Sabotage is my number 1 pastime when it comes to my relationships, and I'm so clingy and needy, that I give those other bitches who are atleast upfront about how they act, a serious run for thier money.. I figure when you start feeling as if all you want to do is lie in bed with a person for days, and days.. there is seriously something wrong with me.. What a dull exhistence I will lead with out him.. but knowing that I would care more than he, just shows me that I am meant to be alone..Forever.. I am resiliant in my goal of never letting anyone have so much power over me.. if my heart is breaking.. its cause I'm the one breaking it.. if I'm being let down, its cause I'm getting down.. Fuck! Now I am offically depressed and actually crying.. I never fucking do this.. it hurts like I have a hole.. emptyness.. but i don't know why.. Its not like anything was there to begin with.. in closing, I want to apologize to David James Smith for being a shitty cunt bag toward him for the past week.. and i hope that you find what your looking for in your life.. I would still like to be your friend.. but we all know that it never works out that way.


17:03 August 20, 2007

after reading this again.. I realize now, that I should have satyed away.. Now, all i want to do is hold this silly little boy.. I want to help make him a man.. a great man.. help him increase his wealth and health and leave him better off then I found him.. But since, he isn't really all that down with that.. actually no guy is seriously down with that.. What do I do.. My next 3 yrs on this earth is reduced to a waste..