My life.. in a nutshell

Is composed of fleeting moments of clarity.. Like when i figured out that Mr.Smith was better at hiding his feelings than I.. Like when I figured out that Casey was a big ass mommas boy. Like when I figured out that Brian was a poser. Like when I realized that Jeremy and I would never be more than friends, no matter how much we joke. Like when I figured out that I can do anything I want, as long as it is within the moral social confines of this particular society. What I don't understand, is why when I find something that I truly enjoy, it is taken from me in a manner the befits someone who has the karma of a python that has bitten and swallowed the most holy of holy mice. Fuck this.. I have money, I should just go buy a fuck-ton of sleeping pills, and a bottle of scotch and just end this right now.. I'm depressed. I have never thought myself to be A person of such low character, that the ill will(or just random uncaringness) of 1 person, could send me into a shame spiral that would make me want to end my own life. I know they aren't worth it. Hell, even they know they aren't worth it.. I advocate for a person to live life only for themselves, and to not let the retardness of another human being be the center of your life. But obviously, I don't follow my own rules. He was the center of my universe, the beginning and end of my world. I wanted to help, I wantd to hold, I wanted to make him happy, I wanted him to be all that he could be. Now, I just want to be a bitch. Be really fucking mean. Be really fucking juvenile. Like egg his car, or key his car with the word 'asshole'. Fuck one of his friends in his bed, or go to the place that he is with a hot guy and start making out in front of him( ok, I could never actually do that anyways cause kissing is disgusting!)! I feel the need to do something,. anything to forget. To make him feel as bad and as FUCKED UP as I feel. But I will do none of those things. I will sit at home and cry.. Yes I'm crying.. and feel sorry for myself. My sorry self. I can't believe that he actually had the nerve to agree that he cared not at all for me. I'm glad, and disappointed. Through TEXT MESSAGING and E-mail of all things!! He did not have the nerve to tell me to my face! He didn't even care enough to call and tell me!! Through comments on my blogs, and my myspace and text messaging on my phone.. this is how shitty my life is when it comes to guys. It makes me just want to do something uber destructive.. I think I'm gonna get drunk tonite.. really fucking drunk. really, really fucking drunk and as per usual, it will be all by myself!