Sunday, January 27, 2008
Thank-you Anonymous..
You are right. I do need to leave the shit behind. I'm not gonna curse and scream and tell you that I'm in control, Cause I KNOW I'm not. I know i have to get my shit together. I can't hope for anything to just happen to me cause I think I'm cute(sometimes). I realize this, and so i try to make a conscience effort to do better. But everytime I do try, its seems as if I just get slapped in the face with MORE shit. I've already come to the conclusion that I will NEVER be completely happy in life. But I'm not looking for complete happiness.. I'm just looking to be ok. Maybe its because deep down inside, I DO want the elusive American dream of the career, the guy and the ability to pretty much have the freedom of not having to struggle for everything. I had a wonderful night with David last night/this morning.. Yeah I threw away my new years resolution of being celibate(yet again).. But we had a talk about what it is that actually is between us. I figure that its so hard to let go because he is comfortable. I don't feel fat and gross when I'm naked with him. I don't have to play act when we have sex cause he will call me on it, I don't have to be anybody but my very weird self. and I like that. I think that its just pure fucking laziness that keeps me wrapped up in him. As he said last night, 'relationships are just too much work' and I don't fault him in his belief. I love David, as a friend, and as a guy. I don't expect for it to 'work out' between us, cause we are both to lazy to do anything about what is between us. Its all a technicality the whole 'boyfriend girlfriend' thing. We are friends, that just so happen to be to lazy to look for sex and companionship in other people. I mean, I think that I look for what I need that I can't find in him in others, take that and get what I can get from him. Its like the whole Pendergrass thing. I like to do weird things, like fight and wrestle and draw blood and piss and shit on people. David is not down with that stuff. (I mean it is super cute when he tries to be though.)So I found someone else that can give me the carnage that I crave, with out having to sacrifice what I have with David. David is my cuddlebug.. I enjoy snuggling with him, and watching skate videos and dancing and shit like that.. But when it comes to leaving bruises or taking it in the ass like a man should, I know to look elsewhere. I just realize that I need to have more than one outlet. Cause I'm NOT going to be able to find a one stop shop of a guy, that can give me everything I need. The trick, is to be able to find 2 people who are totally ok with sharing me in that fashion. But most guys get jealous when they figure they have to 'share' their girl with another guy, cause they can't stomach the ideas that she has in her head. David loves me in his own way. Pen loves the pain that I can bring, which is basically says he loves me in his own way too.. and I love them both in my own way. I just love David more.. Why? cause he is my comfy pants.. and goddess knows how much we love comfy pants! But thank-you for your words of encouragement. It IS nice to know that somebody does care.. Hell, its just nice to know that somebody reads my blogs!
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2 comments:
Hey, I'm glad I didn't piss you off. Well, ya know when I came across your writings, for some reason I read more, even though we do not share the same interests. I felt like I could feel a lot of pain, anger, sadness, and I wanted to tell you that there is hope.
There is life after 30. Our 20's suck!! I would never go back. That seems to be the time of life when all hell breaks loose and we get hit with everything and we have way too many "growth experiences."
If I may, I have had some very deep traumas and knock downs in my life. There was a span of years when I experienced every major trauma, stress and life event that one could. I felt such despair, hopelessness. I felt like I was shit. Weird, now I am pretty happy, got a great job, lots of close TRUE friends and relationships and life is good.
I know you already know this, but bear with me anyway:
I speak from experience:
alcohol and drugs will steal everything from you. Sounds like it already has. There is no way up with that in your life so much.
One will not grab that american dream as long as alcohol, drugs, or the like are in control. One will never find a mate that will truly love you unconditionally for who you really are. Nor find that satisfying career and other goals. The people, events, and activities you hang out with is what you will reap.
And no one is gonna come along and rescue you. ( don't we all wish!) I see by your various writings that you have intelligence, wit, and deep feelings. And then I read stuff that sounds like so out of control and crazy. Don't let that be what comes through. Seems to me that you have and are better than however it is you are existing now.
I don't know about you, but I believe in God and He has taken care of me and made all the bad stuff have a purpose. Like being able to share with someone else and have empathy.
Hey, I'm still looking for that true soulmate who will love me unconditionally and be my best friend and love me forever.
Well, hang on. take whatever steps you need to to get your life back or completely new into the way you want it. no matter how far you have fallen or life has pushed you down, you do have the power to change it. It just ain't gonna be easy that's for sure.
Take care.
Hey there , I agree with anonymous. I don't know you in person, but I came across your blog one night and it was interesting, so I read on. And it was like reading about my life circa 2000-2001. Except you don't describe yourself as a monkey jumping from tree branch to tree branch (in regards to different men) like I used to. That's about the only difference. I can see the pain you are in with David and I have been there. There is hope. And that hope is not found in a bottle or a blunt. Those are only masks that deceive and leave you lonely and empty, wondering what happened. It is possible to have what you want in life; it is possible to leave the pain and cold boys behind and find a real man who can be all that you want (and more). And to have that career that you want and the life that you are craving. I'm living proof of that. I couldn't do it alone though; I had to have help. That help came in Jesus. I know what you wrote about people needing a higher power and all that. I'm just saying where I got my help from. You are a strong person, I see that in you. You are smart, and funny. And you deserve more than what you have right now. Well, I guess that's all I've got right now. Even if we never meet or you vent about my response, please know that I am praying for you. People out there do care. (P.S. It is possible to find that one stop shop in a man. The Lord knows the desires of your heart even better than you do; He created our sexual desires - why wouldn't He want you to be with someone that is everything that you want (and more)?)
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